How does your family handle death?

Just re-reading the eulogy my brother wrote for my mom who died early 2021, so only immediate family attended. This line stood out, and thought it might resonate with some of the older people here:

"Orange juice and mercurochrome could heal anything."

 

I have a fading scar on my leg from a gash 1.5” long and 1” deep that I earned as a 4yo. Stitches? Hell no. Mom cured it with that orange shit, and I don’t mean OJ.

 

Sometimes death is both a relief and devastating at the same time. I wrote about us calling in hospice for my mother-in-law almost a month ago. A week ago, she stopped talking. She would lay there with her eyes wide open, clearly seeing nothing. It was exactly the sort of living death she didn't want. By Sunday, she couldn't swallow. Last night, the aide called my sister-in-law to tell her everyone should come now because she was dying. Before anyone could even get there, my mother-in-law was gone.

Now these aides were wonderful. Hospice recommended these two sisters who would take shifts so one was there and in the room with her at all times. My mother-in-law kept saying how grateful she was for them. We all were. But damn, she could have told my wife that her mother was gone before she walked into the bedroom. I got there about 10 minutes later. My wife told me what happened. Then came the worst of it, at least for me. I had to go let my daughter in the building about 15 minutes later. I had to tell her that her grandmother was gone. I got choked up when I called her to tell her to get over there. It takes a lot to make me cry, but holding my daughter while she lost it did it.

Everyone had already said their goodbyes, so no one seemed that upset that they didn't make it before the end came. My wife's oldest sister was weird and broken, just as she was when their father died 20 years ago. The middle sister was a rock, dealing with her grief by taking care of things. My wife was somewhere in between. I've been worried about her reaction, but she seems to be doing okay. She's upset and crying, still not believing it happened, but she's managing. I'm mostly keeping my mouth shut and offering support. Everyone keeps saying this is a relief, that watching my mother-in-law suffer had been horrible, and all of that is true. That didn't make last night any easier. It won't make this week any easier.

I may end up speaking at the service. My wife knows she won't be able to, but there are things she wants to be said. My daughter wants to write something, but she's not sure she can get through it. So the writer in the family gets elected. It somehow feels wrong for anyone but her daughters and grandchildren to speak, but I'll do whatever my wife and daughter want. That's pretty much my approach to everything for a while.

We will have a service in a couple of days, then sit shiva after that, with a break for the Sabbath. The whole thing last night was so strange. We waited for the hospice nurse to come so she could declare her dead. We waited for two guys from the funeral home to remove the body. We hid in the guest bedroom of her apartment because none of us wanted to see them carry her out. We sat around telling stories, working out details of the days to come, and comforting whichever person broke down whenever it happened. Man, I didn't want to see the body, but that ship sailed quickly. She was just a husk of the vibrant, strong woman who treated me like family from the moment we met about four months after I started dating her daughter. That was almost 30 years ago.

I didn't want to have to tell people she's gone. I texted a couple of close friends who have been checking up on me throughout this process. I texted my younger brother, who met my mother-in-law twice. He and his wife adored her. They affectionately refer to her as a legend. She had an amazing gift for connecting with people. A line checking out of a store was an opportunity for a deep conversation with a stranger. I'm going to miss my wife saying, "Ma! Stop talking to strangers. Let's go."

In some ways, this is harder than losing my mother. Then, I was just focused on my grief. Now, it's the two most important people in my life who are hurting most. Maybe I shouldn't ramble on about it on a message board. Maybe that's exactly what I should do.

This fucking sucks.

 

I’m so sorry. My condolences to you and your family.

 

Ramble all you need, OOP. So sorry for your loss, sending good thoughts your way.

 

My father died in the heat of Covid, not completely a shock but not expected, either.

My daughter was in college at the time, and we went through the various stages of grieving - sorry if I'm repeating myself, but he basically forbade us from having any kind of funeral or memorial, just wanted to be cremated and buried nest to my mother. So no real "closure" or chance to gather and say goodbye, especially with his state basically on lockdown.

About a month after he passed, was talking on the phone with my daughter and could tell she was really having a rough time. I had to ask her a couple of times what was going on, and she finally just broke down, saying she couldn't remember the last time she talked to her grandfather, what was said and what that interaction was like, and it's all she can think about.

I remember it like it just happened, so I told her: He brought her in for a long hug and kiss, told her how proud he was of her and how much he loved her. And she told him how much she loved him. And I told her the truth, how every single time I talked to him since then, he asked a bunch of questions about her and her brother, and said how proud he was of them both.

That really helped her, but I felt badly that she obviously was having such a prolonged period of grieving and I didn't recognize it. She only saw him once or twice a year, but I should have been more proactive in helping with their emotions.

 

So sorry to read of your loss, OOP. As someone who also hit the mother-in-law jackpot and had to say goodbye to her far too soon, I know what you're going thru. Thinking of you & your family.

 

You are a good man @outofplace

 

Repeat yourself all you like. This isn't easy stuff.

I wouldn't beat yourself up over not seeing your daughter's struggles sooner. Young people are way too good at hiding such things. You did see it. She talked to you about it when she was ready and you helped her. That is what's important.

 

Sorry buddy.