How does your family handle death?

On the other end of the spectrum (sorry to post pad), when my FIL’s side of the family dies, the town is so small and so remote and so poor, you might do something at a church but mostly you gather at the gravesite because the family has to dig the grave.

 

One of the "best" things about COVID was it made people realize you could hold services at a later date. While I know some religious customs require funerals within days - I think having a service at a later time, within weeks or months is fine - and usually results in a better service. The family doesn't feel rushed to organize something and buying an expensive casket or whatever while they are still grieving and dealing with the loss. They can take time to organize a fitting tribute and people have time to attend and not get jammed up. Yes, I know airlines have "bereavement fares" but time is a great healer.

 

On the bright side, everyone is only 15 minutes away from visiting your grandpa.

Sorry, couldn’t resist. I will now take my place in the lake of fire.

 

That is one reason I like the Jewish tradition of a ceremony unveiling the ceremony a year later. People have had time to heal. Some who couldn't make the funeral can attend. My mother's was complicated, in part because of family bullshit and in part because my brother died a week earlier. Despite all that, it was the unveiling that felt like the real farewell. I mostly held it together at the funeral. Giving the eulogy helped. I was able to focus on what I was going to say instead of how I was feeling. That and all of the other mess were probably why I completely lost it as we were leaving after the unveiling.

 

If you can't tell a joke on a thread about death, what is this world coming to?

 

Same here. My uncle died of COVID about a month into the pandemic, when everyone had no idea about the virus and was sheltering in place. For his funeral, the only people who were allowed to come was myself, my mother, my aunt, two of my three cousins, and the rabbi. We limited it to 6 people, had a brief service outdoors at the gravesite, stood more than 6 feet apart and my mother and I were wearing face shields. I couldn’t help but think that our world had turned ridiculous.

A year later, at the unveiling, our whole family could attend. My oldest cousin’s daughter did a violin solo. My oldest son, who couldn’t attend the funeral both because we had limited the number of people and because he was in college and was one of the few kids allowed to stay on campus with the caveat that he could not leave, was finally able to say a few words and mourn. Then we all went back to my aunt’s place and socialized. It made everyone feel better.

 

It says we're gonna be okay.

 

Deep South, mostly Baptist family. Generally there's a viewing before the funeral service for an hour, maybe two. Family and friends show up, pay their respects, mix and mingle, tell stories. Usually one of the family has put together a slide show of old pictures and a soundtrack that runs in the background. Then there's a funeral service in the funeral home chapel. Those who wish follow and go graveside for the interment. Sometimes there's a viewing, then the actual service is held at the graveside.

Our most recent funeral, for my wife's oldest sister, was a graveside service and largely consisted of her son, a preacher, sharing happy memories. We then went to a family member's house where there was a big food spread and ate, then dispersed.

I'm Episcopalian, so there will be more ritual. I'll likely be cremated, so a lot of that stuff is out the window. And I'll make the mix tape that plays while the family mingles, thank you very much.

 

Thanks for all the responses. It's just funny how people handle things differently. At two recent funerals on my wife's side, I am the only man, woman, or child who isn't crying. I'm hand shaking and back slapping, "Hey, you remember when ..."
Everyone is looking at me like I'm an alien. The person is gone. There is nothing you can do for them except remember them.
The memory of a loved one shouldn't bring a tear to you eye but a smile to you face.

 

Bingo.

What is perfect for one person or family is perfectly awful for another person or family. Or, in some cases, people with different ways of handling the process within the same family.