I forgot about jury duty today -- how badly am I screwed?

Enjoy PMITA Prison

 

Don't sweat it. Call them and tell them what happened. I've been called five times (that's right boys and girls, five freaking times) and the one time I completely forgot, they called me and I had to go talk to the judge. Me and a couple of women. He said he could put us in jail but he didn't want to do that and would we be willing to sign up right then to serve. I did and that was it. But if you're in a spot where the judge is a hard ass, I agree with Kaylee: Find the biggest guy in the yard and kick him squrely in the nuts.

 

If the cops didn't show up to pick you up, you're probably in pretty good shape.

When I was on jury duty, there were people who missed and got one strike. The second time, sheriff's deputies went to pick them up.

The thing that got me was there was a cop on jury duty who asked out because a.) he had afternoon shooting range training and he worked nights and b.) well, he was a cop. He was told no, but the woman who said she couldn't serve because she had a vacation trip planned was excused.

I got excuse one week because the juco baseball tournament I was supposed to be covering got pushed back a day because of rain, and the championship game was on a day when I was supposed to report for jury selection. Judge gave me a break because I had been there for the four previous selections (it used to be in our area if you were selected, you were on call for three months).

 

If there's some hack you don't like, put some sort of accelerent in his light bulb. That shit worked good in the Longest Yard.

And don't watch any episodes of Oz, just steer clear, you don't need to be force-fed poop.

Ironically, our beloved Oz is one of the few to give you some real advice.

 

Soda cans in a pillowcase.

 

If you drop the soap, just leave it on the floor.

 

If you're not tough enough to win a jail yard fight, just act real crazy. Stop showering, go around talking to yourself, pick your nose and eat it. Yeah, it's nasty, but it beats being the bride in a jailhouse wedding.

 

Can you just say you never got the letter?

 

Turn your ass in. Plead insanity. You'll get less time than, say, O.J. Simpson.

 

better yet: coins (or rocks) in a sock.

oh yeah and here's a tip: try to steal a spork from the cafeteria. over time you can sharpen it down into a shank, which will come in handy eventually. if you're still around, maybe ask for a claw hammer from the guy who has connections and tunnell your way out. it may take 20 or so years, but it'll be worth it.

 

And get a poster of Racquel Welch to cover up the hole in the wall.