I hate Halloween. 2011 Edition.

slappy4428 · Oct 31, 2007

Re: I hate Halloween.

Jones said:

This is the biggest holiday of the year in our house. Every year, we get more elaborate in our scaring of neighborhood children -- my philosphy is, if you want candy, you're going to earn it by pooping your pants and then doing the poopy-pants dance for me. That makes it much more fun. Now that we had a kid, too, it's just built everything up.

Right now, there are two mannequins on my porch, masquerading as my friend and I from last year, when we pretended to be stuffed -- leaves coming out of our shirts -- and then screamed in the faces of two-year-olds as they gingerly approached. I had parents coming down the street in advance of their kids pleading with me not to terrify them. No deal. No ticky, no laundry.

So, yeah, the dummies are built for the ol' bait-and-switch. I'll be hiding down beside the porch with a circular saw that makes a helluva din. My buddy is going to be on the other side with a hammerdrill. My wife is going to be upstairs with her head under the pillow.

We had a kid last year who jumped so bad he threw his candy out to the street -- that's like a forty-foot toss from our porch.

God, I can't hardly wait. I can hear their screaming now as in my dreams.
Click to expand...

You know, you could write for a magazine with copy like that...

Full play by play, Jonesy.. this could be a wonderful night.. better than my sitting in an aena watching state volleyball...

Captain_Kirk · Oct 31, 2007

Re: I hate Halloween.

slappy4428 said:

Jones said:

This is the biggest holiday of the year in our house. Every year, we get more elaborate in our scaring of neighborhood children -- my philosphy is, if you want candy, you're going to earn it by pooping your pants and then doing the poopy-pants dance for me. That makes it much more fun. Now that we had a kid, too, it's just built everything up.

Right now, there are two mannequins on my porch, masquerading as my friend and I from last year, when we pretended to be stuffed -- leaves coming out of our shirts -- and then screamed in the faces of two-year-olds as they gingerly approached. I had parents coming down the street in advance of their kids pleading with me not to terrify them. No deal. No ticky, no laundry.

So, yeah, the dummies are built for the ol' bait-and-switch. I'll be hiding down beside the porch with a circular saw that makes a helluva din. My buddy is going to be on the other side with a hammerdrill. My wife is going to be upstairs with her head under the pillow.

We had a kid last year who jumped so bad he threw his candy out to the street -- that's like a forty-foot toss from our porch.

God, I can't hardly wait. I can hear their screaming now as in my dreams.
Click to expand...

You know, you could write for a magazine with copy like that...

Full play by play, Jonesy.. this could be a wonderful night.. better than my sitting in an aena watching state volleyball...
Click to expand...

Better yet--film it and drop it on Youtube.

Sxysprtswrtr · Oct 31, 2007

Re: I hate Halloween.

Captain_Kirk said:

slappy4428 said:

Jones said:

This is the biggest holiday of the year in our house. Every year, we get more elaborate in our scaring of neighborhood children -- my philosphy is, if you want candy, you're going to earn it by pooping your pants and then doing the poopy-pants dance for me. That makes it much more fun. Now that we had a kid, too, it's just built everything up.

Right now, there are two mannequins on my porch, masquerading as my friend and I from last year, when we pretended to be stuffed -- leaves coming out of our shirts -- and then screamed in the faces of two-year-olds as they gingerly approached. I had parents coming down the street in advance of their kids pleading with me not to terrify them. No deal. No ticky, no laundry.

So, yeah, the dummies are built for the ol' bait-and-switch. I'll be hiding down beside the porch with a circular saw that makes a helluva din. My buddy is going to be on the other side with a hammerdrill. My wife is going to be upstairs with her head under the pillow.

We had a kid last year who jumped so bad he threw his candy out to the street -- that's like a forty-foot toss from our porch.

God, I can't hardly wait. I can hear their screaming now as in my dreams.
Click to expand...

You know, you could write for a magazine with copy like that...

Full play by play, Jonesy.. this could be a wonderful night.. better than my sitting in an aena watching state volleyball...
Click to expand...

Better yet--film it and drop it on Youtube.
Click to expand...

How's he gonna film it with a circular saw in his hands?

spnited · Oct 31, 2007

Re: I hate Halloween.

Sxysprtswrtr said:

How's he gonna film it with a circular saw in his hands?
Click to expand...

Saw-cam?

Captain_Kirk · Oct 31, 2007

Re: I hate Halloween.

Sxysprtswrtr said:

Captain_Kirk said:

slappy4428 said:

Jones said:

This is the biggest holiday of the year in our house. Every year, we get more elaborate in our scaring of neighborhood children -- my philosphy is, if you want candy, you're going to earn it by pooping your pants and then doing the poopy-pants dance for me. That makes it much more fun. Now that we had a kid, too, it's just built everything up.

Right now, there are two mannequins on my porch, masquerading as my friend and I from last year, when we pretended to be stuffed -- leaves coming out of our shirts -- and then screamed in the faces of two-year-olds as they gingerly approached. I had parents coming down the street in advance of their kids pleading with me not to terrify them. No deal. No ticky, no laundry.

So, yeah, the dummies are built for the ol' bait-and-switch. I'll be hiding down beside the porch with a circular saw that makes a helluva din. My buddy is going to be on the other side with a hammerdrill. My wife is going to be upstairs with her head under the pillow.

We had a kid last year who jumped so bad he threw his candy out to the street -- that's like a forty-foot toss from our porch.

God, I can't hardly wait. I can hear their screaming now as in my dreams.
Click to expand...

You know, you could write for a magazine with copy like that...

Full play by play, Jonesy.. this could be a wonderful night.. better than my sitting in an aena watching state volleyball...
Click to expand...

Better yet--film it and drop it on Youtube.
Click to expand...

How's he gonna film it with a circular saw in his hands?
Click to expand...

Option A -- Persuade the wife to come out from under the pillow.

Option B -- assuming the wife wants no part of being an accessory to these shenanigans, I'll go out on a limb and say that Jones has more than one friend, and could enlist another friend or neighbor to play the Brian DePalma role.

KG · Oct 31, 2007

Re: I hate Halloween.

Captain_Kirk said:

Sxysprtswrtr said:

How's he gonna film it with a circular saw in his hands?
Click to expand...

Option A -- Persuade the wife to come out from under the pillow.
Option B -- assuming the wife wants no part of being an accessory to these shenanigans, I'll go out on a limb and say that Jones has more than one friend, and could enlist another friend or neighbor to play the Brian DePalma role.
Click to expand...

Too complicated. Just duct tape it to a tree far enough away to get a good, wide shot. ;D

Sxysprtswrtr · Oct 31, 2007

Re: I hate Halloween.

KG said:

Captain_Kirk said:

Sxysprtswrtr said:

How's he gonna film it with a circular saw in his hands?
Click to expand...

Option A -- Persuade the wife to come out from under the pillow.
Option B -- assuming the wife wants no part of being an accessory to these shenanigans, I'll go out on a limb and say that Jones has more than one friend, and could enlist another friend or neighbor to play the Brian DePalma role.
Click to expand...

Too complicated. Just duct tape it to a tree far enough away to get a good, wide shot. ;D
Click to expand...

Do they have duct tape in Canada?

I like the Saw-Cam idea. haha.

Bubbler · Oct 31, 2007

Re: I hate Halloween.

It's a good thing Jones lives north of the border and they have gun control, otherwise we might read something like this ...

TORONTO (AP) -- Reigning SportsJournalists.com Member of the Year Jones was shot to death Wednesday by an irate trick-or-treater.

Jones, who was always known for a chuckle and always willing to talk about his or anyone else's penis, was gunned in a trick-or-treat gag gone horribly wrong, according to authorities.

Reports are sketchy, but it is believed that Jones was hiding outside his house with a circular saw to scare trick-or-treaters. His despondent wife said that Jones wanted trick-or-treaters to "earn their Hershey mini-bars with a Hershey squirt."

Everyone had a good laugh until a child in a faux-bloody Tie Domi jersey came to Jones' house. As he solicited candy, Jones dutifully jumped out with his saw.

The parent of the child panicked and reportedly screamed, "it's the (expletive deleted) bogeyman!", pulled out a handgun and emptied the chamber into Jones' torso. In a macabre twist, Jones dropped the saw as he was hit and cut his penis off.

Funeral plans are pending. Jones' penis will lie in state somewhere on Yonge Street.

slappy4428 · Oct 31, 2007

Re: I hate Halloween.

Live streaming video with a PC cam... we can watch here...

slappy4428 · Oct 31, 2007

Re: I hate Halloween.

Bubbler said:

It's a good thing Jones lives north of the border and they have gun control, otherwise we might read something like this ...

TORONTO (AP) -- Reigning SportsJournalists.com Member of the Year Jones was shot to death Wednesday by an irate trick-or-treater.

Jones, who was always known for a chuckle and always willing to talk about his or anyone else's penis, was gunned in a trick-or-treat gag gone horribly wrong, according to authorities.

Reports are sketchy, but it is believed that Jones was hiding outside his house with a circular saw to scare trick-or-treaters. His despondent wife said that Jones wanted trick-or-treaters to "earn their Hershey mini-bars with a Hershey squirt."

Everyone had a good laugh until a child in a faux-bloody Tie Domi jersey came to Jones' house. As he solicited candy, Jones dutifully jumped out with his saw.

The parent of the child panicked and reportedly screamed, "it's the (expletive deleted) bogeyman!", pulled out a hangun and emptied the chamber into Jones' torso. In a macabre twist, Jones dropped the saw as he was hit and cut his penis off.

Yet, in a macabre piece of irony, Jones' anus -- the source of so much flatulence for him and much discomfort for others was left intact.

Funeral plans are pending. Jones' penis will lie in state somewhere on Yonge Street.
Click to expand...

imjustagirl2 · Oct 31, 2007

Re: I hate Halloween.

Bubbler said:

It's a good thing Jones lives north of the border and they have gun control, otherwise we might read something like this ...

TORONTO (AP) -- Reigning SportsJournalists.com Member of the Year Jones was shot to death Wednesday by an irate trick-or-treater.

Jones, who was always known for a chuckle and always willing to talk about his or anyone else's penis, was gunned in a trick-or-treat gag gone horribly wrong, according to authorities.

Reports are sketchy, but it is believed that Jones was hiding outside his house with a circular saw to scare trick-or-treaters. His despondent wife said that Jones wanted trick-or-treaters to "earn their Hershey mini-bars with a Hershey squirt."

Everyone had a good laugh until a child in a faux-bloody Tie Domi jersey came to Jones' house. As he solicited candy, Jones dutifully jumped out with his saw.

The parent of the child panicked and reportedly screamed, "it's the (expletive deleted) bogeyman!", pulled out a handgun and emptied the chamber into Jones' torso. In a macabre twist, Jones dropped the saw as he was hit and cut his penis off.

Funeral plans are pending. Jones' penis will lie in state somewhere on Yonge Street.
Click to expand...

How sad is my life that I read that and all I could think was "I'm glad Bubbler didn't call it ironic."

Sxysprtswrtr · Oct 31, 2007

Re: I hate Halloween.

Great work Bubbler. Not sure if I like the Hershey mini-bars with a Hershey squirt or the reference to his penis in state somewhere on Yonge Street.

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I hate Halloween. 2011 Edition.

slappy4428 Active Member

Captain_Kirk Well-Known Member

Sxysprtswrtr Active Member

spnited Active Member

Captain_Kirk Well-Known Member

KG Active Member

Sxysprtswrtr Active Member

Bubbler Well-Known Member

slappy4428 Active Member

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I hate Halloween. 2011 Edition.

slappy4428 Active Member

Captain_Kirk Well-Known Member

Sxysprtswrtr Active Member

spnited Active Member

Captain_Kirk Well-Known Member

KG Active Member

Sxysprtswrtr Active Member

Bubbler Well-Known Member

slappy4428 Active Member

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