I hate Halloween. 2011 Edition.

Re: I hate Halloween.

I'm sorry to interrupt....but did anyone know about watermelon Tootsie Pops?? Since when did these exist? I am stunned. This changes everything.

 

Re: I hate Halloween.

Ew.

 

Re: I hate Halloween.

Is that for Jones' penis or the watermelon Tootise Pop?

 

Re: I hate Halloween.


I never liked Halloween, even as a kid. I always seemed to be sick around Halloween - it turned out I had asthma.

I also don't understand how Halloween became an adult holiday - or maybe I should say a holiday where adults took a major part.

 

Re: I hate Halloween.

The tootsie pop. I don't even like watermelon-flavored watermelon.

 

Re: I hate Halloween.

What flavor watermelon do you like?

 

Re: I hate Halloween.

Damn. I thought everyone liked watermelon.

 

Re: I hate Halloween.

Crunchy water? No thanks.

 

Re: I hate Halloween.

Nope. I despise watermelon.

 

Re: I hate Halloween.

I'm partial to the vodka flavored watermelon.

 

Re: I hate Halloween.

Okay, this sums up my life and Halloween.

I check my messages, there are five from my sister, each increasingly frantic and vile. She knows swear words you only hear in places you'd never admit going.

So I call her back, but I already know.

'WHO THE FUCK IS CARRIE MIRANDA, WITH ALL THIS FUCKING FRUIT ON HER HEAD?!'

My mother has struck.

'Carmen. Carmen Miranda.'

'Well, Emmah is hysterical. Mom said she was making her a surprise costume, best ever, blah-fucking-blah, and she brings over this Puerto Rican whore dress and a hat covered with fruit! Real fucking fruit, 21, like my daughter is going to walk around the neighborhood with a fucking squash on her head! She's ten, she wants to be a Bratz or Paris Hilton! Not some psycho fruithead with plastic beads!'

'Is Mom still there? Can you just throw it out or eat it and start over?

'Still here? STILL HERE?? Are you just fucking stupid, 21?? She is ALWAYS here! You have no idea. Lou has a permanent assprint on my new sofa. You know what she made him be for Halloween? Do you? She painted yellow stripes on his back and made the girls guess. Go ahead, guess.'

I know better than to guess.

'He's ROADKILL, 21, fucking roadkill. His roadkill ass is on my couch eating all the Nerds, Carmela Fucking Miranda is crying her eyes out in the bathroom, and Mom is trying to get the kids to do an Apple Bob. Are you fucking kidding me? I have twenty kids here from LinZee's class, do you think their mothers want them drinking Halloween spit from a fucking Apple Bob? Kids all over the country are dying of staph infections, my mother wants them to spit in a scummy tub for a fucking apple! Happy fucking Halloween, 21, must be nice to be you....' Click.

Vodka-flavored watermelon, watermelon-flavored vodka...both sound pretty good to me right now.

 

Re: I hate Halloween.

This is why I hate Halloween



SC thinks it's cute to dress me up in some damned angel costume that she bought and take pictures of me to send to her sister. Halloween is evil!!!!!!!