Living in BFE: A Primer

Where you live.

 

That's where I got confused.  I've always heard it as "butt f&ck Iowa".  

 

Not me, baby.

And the Canadian equivalent among my friends is "Eyebrow, Saskatachewan" which is a real place. 

 

I'll never understand why a county would still be dry. There are some near my hometown that are dry, and they'd always raid the border, esp. late on Saturday nights. Of course, we had blue laws too, so we'd raid the stories on Saturday nights, too.

Prohibition ended in 1933, goddammit. Crack one open.

 

Sounds like a decent enough place.

I'm betting there's a family that lives up in mountains who play really good folk music and drive around town in an old beat up truck. They're nice enough folk, but be careful of the daughter, she's always looking for a husband. And once she gets you, only a white horse with a backwards rider going east to west can get you out of it.

Also, there's probably a town drunk. He's harmless and rather happy-go-lucky, but if he ever starts rambling about buying a car, you should mention it to the sheriff. Maybe the sheriff and deputy could try tricking the drunk while he's asleep.

You're gonna need to watch out when driving around town, too. The sheriff's an OK guy and willing to small violations pass, but the deputy, he's a strictly by-the-book kind of guy. Not a very big fella, but he's got a big ego. His philosophy: If he gives you five miles over the speed limit today, you'll be trying to get 10 miles tomorrow.

And try to find reinforced windows if you can. From time to time, there's this guy who roams through town tossing bricks through windows and screaming like a mad man. He's a nut.

Aside from all that, just enjoy yourself. And if you go to church, make sure you learn the hymns and don't try to fake it, because if you're just moving your mouth and not actually singing the words to "Leaning on the everlasting arms," the people in the town will know.


(If I get a bunny with a damn pancake on its head after this, I'm gonna be disappointed. Very, very disappointed."

 

Is it a sister city of Monkeys Eyebrow, Kentucky?

 

Plan on a certain group of parents to be a pain in your ass from the time their kids play Little League baseball/ASA softball to the time they graduate from high school.

When you go to the grocery store, plan on someone wanting to talk to you about sports. If it's the retired guy who sacks groceries and wants to talk baseball, it's cool. If it's the store manager who wants to talk college basketball, it's cool. If it's the mom who wants to know why you don't cover freshman boys basketball, keep walking.

 

I feel for you. Live in a city of 2,800 (one stoplight), county of 6,000. No, wait. You should feel for me. ;D

You can walk down main street faster than the old people drive.

Check out lines at the grocery store are long only because the checker has to chat up everybody.

And, everybody knows your business.

 

If it isn't it, it should be.

 

I always heard it as "Bumfuck, Egypt."

 

Me too.

 

Be glad it's not dry. I lived in the exact same place you described, except it was dry (an unholy alliance between the hardshell Southern Baptists and the bootleggers/meth dealers kept that system in place.) Not only was it dry, it was illegal to possess alcohol. If the sheriff wanted to, he could raid your home and arrest you for having a 6 pack on ice.
Oh, and do you live in one of those towns where everything closes at noon on Wednesday, so people can go to midweek services and open for business on Saturday morning? Some little places do that as a throwback to the days when they were agricultural centers. The town I lived in was like that...the only thing open after noon was Wal-Mart and McDonald's. I think they even closed city hall and the county courthouse down...or they kept a skeleton crew at both.