Marriage problems

If I didn't know better, OpenHeart, I would think that you were copying and pasting the details of my September 2009-June 2010. We didn't make it; we ended up pulling the plug on the marriage after 20 years.

It hurt like hell, for a while. And, from time to time, it still does. I've spent a lot of time reflecting on my failures, and I've spent a lot of time reflecting on her failures. Around that, though, I've spent the last year or so concentrating on myself and my kids. That, and a wonderful new relationship, has smoothed things out for me.

Not every day is wonderful, by any means, but I'm learning a new way to live. Divorce isn't death. As it turns out, for me, it was a rebirth. It will be for her, too.

I hope things turn out the way you want, Open, whatever way that is.

 

Hmmm, not sure if that's exactly right, but it's probably worth noting that the counselor actually said at one point that she wasn't sure why we were there. "You seem to genuinely like each other. You seem to get along well."

I guess if I had to put a finger on why I would consider ending it, it's that the most recent fight illustrated that when things do turn bad, lines are being crossed that never were before. It's like whatever problems arose from those root causes that I outlined above erased whatever it is that restrained us from doing and saying the things you just shouldn't say and do when you're angry.

And those fights are eroding the deep bond we had -- we still have a good bond, I would say, but not the kind of deep bond a marriage needs to survive.

 

Those feelings can wax and wane in a marriage. I don't think that's a reason to ditch it if you still get along.

It also seems that you two aren't opening up to the counselor if you appear to get along so well but it's the fights that are ruining things.

 

Good luck, OpenHeart. It's gotta be tough with the kids.

I hope things can work out for the best for everyone.

 

The part about not giving up if we still get along is chiefly where my head and heart are at, as I too believe that feelings don't just travel a straight line. As a friend said to me, "A marriage is a marathon, not a sprint."

And I'm sure you're right to some extent about not baring all at the counselor. Part of it, I think, was that the counselor didn't get to some of the issues, instead having us rehash each time what had gone on in the past week, which got us nowhere. I also think I wasn't totally clear on the issues, and I have a better idea of them now.

I appreciate all the posts and thoughts, everyone. We're going to have a talk soon and some of the points made here and through PMs will definitely make their way into the conversation.

 

Openheart, I'm sorry to hear about your situation and can only hope that you find the answers you need.

I've been married for 16 years, so that's where my insight comes from. My wife and I truly work at it every day. If there's one thing we've always done is never let anything slide, not for one hour, not one night. Maybe it just works for us, but I said we'd never go to sleep angry. Its hard but we have to address whatever is wrong otherwise it will fester and I hate that word.

Other thing I believe is you have to always remember why you got married in the first place, what did you love about each other? What traits? Their funny thoughts? The way they can persevere? Sure there are things that irk you, those will almost always be there, but you were able to get past them before, if you really believed your vows, then you'd overlook them now.

My parents divorced after 8 yrs of marraige when I was 5. When I was 9 my mom found my father (stepdad) and they will celebrate 40 years next summer so 2nd marraiges do work.

Good luck however it works out.

 

If this is truly the case, then one course of action is clear to me: find a new counselor, pronto. Not all counselors are created equal, and if the one you have isn't getting to the root of the problems, you owe it to yourself and your family to work with someone who can. Also, have you tried individual counseling sessions?

 

Sorry to hear about your troubles OH. Curious if you were to lay fault on your marriage issues would you honestly say it has more to do with you or your wife?
What would she say?

 

I see what you did there.

 

Not intended -as someone suggested in a PM.

Just made a wrong assumption after rereading thread.

 

Sometimes when you cross those lines and say the worst things, you finally get it all out and can start to rebuild from honesty, not politeness.

I don't know, but it seems most couples finally split because of some egregious situation that prevents recovery--cheating, financial sneakiness, drugs, alcohol, abuse, neglect. I don't know too many people who have split just because, especially when they still get along.

Sounds like you've been through a lot over those 4 years, births and deaths and jobs...that's a lot of reality to deal with. If your kids are young (as in, not close to college and on their own), I hope you hang in there and try to find your way back.

Also, agree with Lisa Simpson about the counselor, sounds inadequate for your needs.

 

My first question for Open would be: What the division of labor like in your house? Especially as regards the kids.

My second question is: Is everybody getting a full night of sleep?