Marriage problems

This.

Expectations for grownups dim as we age. What exactly are you looking for, OH? Movie-style, undying passionate love? It sounds to me from what I've read above that you two love each other although there may not be as much - or any - passion as there used to be. Maybe I need a hard look in the mirror but I think you should also consider the alternative.

You seem to genuinely like - even respect - your spouse. You have a great time together. You fight. Yet you still cherish each other and even your shrink (who admittedly may be inept as someone posted above) doesn't quite get why you're in counseling. Are you sure this is really a marriage-ending situation?

 

Politeness is not a foundation for anything. Simply not mentioning what's wrong won't make it go away. In fact, it simply turns the Wrong into a filter through which many other completely unrelated things are run, to universally bad effect.

Even though the short-term pain of expressing things honestly can be excruciating, the long-term benefits are beyond measure. That was a lesson hard learned for my ex and me. I didn't say a lot of the things I should have said until I felt like I had nothing left to lose, and by that time, it was far too late; the irreparable damage had already been done.

This is huge, too. My ex had basically given up sleeping throughout the latter 3-4 years of our marriage, and this was a factor in the communication issues we had. It's hard to function properly when you're not treating your body well.

 

There's so much more I want to say, but knowing the openness of the Internet, I'm definitely wary. I felt like we were at rock bottom when I started this thread, that our marriage had disintegrated to a point that things could be said during fights that just shouldn't ever be said. And then slowly, in the two weeks since, it seemed like we were crawling our way upward.

Feel like I kind of got a reality check a couple of days ago, though. Sure, we get along well, I was told. Sure, we lean on each other, we have a nice enough time together, etc. But, I was told, that doesn't make a marriage. The things that bonded us are gone.

Yes, our circumstances have changed a lot over the years. But, as I said, today we have two precious kids who mean the world to us. I feel like that's a bigger bond than anything we shared before.

Sometimes I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall, that I'm the one constantly making the case for why we should stick this out, what's still good about it, etc. Sometimes it just seems so much harder than it should be. Hey, I love you, you love me, we both love these kids ... can't we just go from there?

No? Why not? Because our feelings aren't the same as they used to be? Hey, I don't think you can or should pin a marriage on feelings always being as strong as or the same as they once were.

But that's just me. I can't have this argument forever.

I'm sorry, I feel like this post is a mess. Maybe that's appropriate, given what a mess I am. It's 4 a.m. and I've been up for the last two hours just thinking about a future so vastly different from what I've always imagined for both myself and my kids. I know that indulging in those kinds of thoughts isn't helping, and I am happy to say that we are going to try counseling again, but it's going to be close to a month before we have an appointment.

It just feels like I keep waiting for happier days, and I not only don't know if they'll ever arrive, but it seems like I'm wasting a hell of a lot of time in the meantime.

I meant it when I said for better or for worse. I guess it'd just be nice to have some reassurance that the "better" was going to show up again someday.

 

oh, to address a couple of other things, division of duties I think is pretty even. Sleep isn't the greatest, both because of stress and the little ones who get up early.

 

Teach one of them to start the Barney tape on his or her own. Sleep problem solved.

 

Seems like there is something more to this that your spouse is not telling you.

 

I sent my advice on a PM and a link to some internet insight from a guy I have found to be SUPER.

 

Thanks again for the feedback, especially those who have weighed in today. It helps to feel not so alone in all this.

 

Anybody else thinking serendipity?

 

Where's the above post from? Not finding it anywhere on the site.

 

Open--Have you thought about asking him to leave, so you can both get some clarity about what you each really want? Sometimes the reality of being apart takes away the 'glamour' of wondering what/who else is out there. Or...it can underscore that you might be happier on your own.

 

Freqposter decided to delete his for whatever reason.