Marriage problems

I'm not married, and have never been married, so take whatever I say here with a grain of salt.

But, OpenHeart, it seems like your "talk" with your spouse can start (and maybe end) with this question: "Do you still want to be married?"

It sounds laughably simplified, but I can't tell you how many separations and eventual divorces have occurred in recent years on the basis of "He/she just didn't want to be married anymore."

It seems to be an all-too-common reason/excuse these days, usually by one spouse and not the other, for breaking up a marriage. And it's this that I think printdust was attempting to reference and address with his post on the matter.

My sister left her husband years ago for this reason, which often leads to lack of intimacy or even intimacy problems as people start to see each other more as just friends or sort of like siblings, almost. A lack of intimacy is a tough issue to overcome because marriage, almost by definition, is supposed to include it, or, at least, not exclude it.

For what it's worth, my sister has spent the intervening years since her divorce still caring tremendously about her ex (and he about her), with them still admittedly loving each other in deep ways, and still in contact with each other even though there were no kids involved. She also has dated many, never finding anybody who she thinks measures up even close to what she already had, and threw away. And he, also, has not remarried. Even my sister says that they never fought, and when they talk about each other, they still seem like a couple, and we all wonder at what a waste of both their lives their separation has been, and still can't figure out quite why it happened. I know intimacy problems factored into it, though, because my sister and ex-brother-in-law even made another go of it once (yes, he actually moved back to the mainland U.S. from Hawaii, where he'd gone to live after their divorce, for her), and yet, the same thing happened again. They ended up splitting again, just as we in the family were all starting to have visions of a remarriage that we never thought would have ever needed to happen in the first place.

I also have a cousin whose wife of more than 30 years also recently decided that "she just didn't want to be married anymore," I guess since their kids are all grown now. Thanks to the divorce settlement, my cousin, who never wanted the divorce, now has to pay his ex-wife's mortgage (since she got the house, but he agreed to pay as part of their settlement) to the tune of about $60,000 a year while she lives there and he...doesn't.

Yeah, my cousin's a good man, but my point is, there really does have to be commitment on both sides, and both parties have to "want to be married" for a marriage to work. Otherwise, it won't, even if the spouses have no really glaring problems and even if they actually still have love, at least to some degree, for each other.

It's really that simple, and that hard, unfortunately.

 

Boy, is it wrong for a Cougar Life ad to be on this page. Anyhoo, best of luck, OH

 

And we know it's an open heart.

 

I defer to your thoughts, Mister Creosote. You've been through it and are coming from a different and better perspective than I am.

Any of my thoughts on the matter should be taken with a grain of salt. That said, I do think the commitment has to be there, on both sides and in pretty equal proportions, for any relationship, especially a marriage, to work out.

I get that breaking up, or growing apart, is usually a process. But so is any marriage that is more than in name or by law only. Isn't it?

I don't understand how anyone can expect anyone else, or their feelings for anyone else, to be the same five or 10 years down the road as they were on the day they met or the day they got married.

Does different always have to mean worse, or headed for divorce, though? Because that seems to be how it usually turns out.

I feel for OpenHeart, and only hope their heart stays that way in the long run, regardless of what happens.

 

You're having an emotional affair and it's you wife's behavior that's the problem?

 

Seems to be going g around

 

I am scared. And not for the reasons you might think. I guess I am scared because in this life, the only person whose happiness we can truly assure is our own. And I would give anything to have the power to make everyone else in my family happy. Not just now but forever. I want a way to just make this easier and better for everyone. A way that tomorrow the rain clouds that seem to have been hovering over us for so long will finally part. A way that we can all find the good in one another and joy in being together.

I'm surrounded by too many reminders that life is short.

 

I'm going to reference a Whitney Houston song and not for pun, The Greatest Love of All.

You have to love yourself first. Then go from there. My 12 yr old got his heart broken last weekend and I had to tell him the same thing.

You cannot control others and how they feel.

You have admirable ambitions, that's wonderful but you cannot "make everyone else happy." You can try, no doubt. But that's an end result that you have no control over.

Love yourself and others and understand that you've done everything you could.

 

Ugh, I'm a mess now, just wait until that sort of thing starts happening with my kids.

 

Just hang in there, Open; life has a way of working out if you're good of Heart

 

Sorry I missed this thread when it started. Lots of good people trying to be helpful. Good to see that.

I hope my two cents can help. I'm sure it can't hurt. In the post that started the thread, I've bold-faced a part that caught my attention. I've read the four pages and I am not sure I've seen this addressed. I have to ask: Does the pain come from the thought of losing her or does the pain come from the thought of staying with her? I'm assuming it's coming from the thought of you not being able to save the marriage and having to live without her. If that's correct, and if she feels the same way, there is hope. But being polite will keep you from ever getting to the point you want to get to. Being afraid to tell her how you feel and her being afraid to tell you how she really feels will also keep you both from getting to the points you want to.

You have to be able to speak freely to get to the bottom of things. That doesn't mean you have to have a knock-down, drag-out brawl. But you both have to be able to express the things that bother you. In this case, politeness and fear of confrontation will get you nowhere.

You want to save the marriage. I can see that. You have to surrender yourself to complete honesty to do that.

Best wishes.