Motivating a teenager

PC speaks the truth.

My son is 14 and about to start high school, and I'm becoming very familiar with all the ways it is different from when we grew up. For one thing, each of those activities takes up SO MUCH MORE time than it did for us. There is more homework, and cheerleading for instance -- I'd guess it is pretty much after school every day of the year plus a significant amount of time during breaks and the summer. If she doesn't prioritize, she's going to end up double-booked every day.

As for colleges, check with each one, but I think the overriding thought in admissions these days is that they would rather see depth of commitment in one or two extracurricular activities than a long resume of joining for the sake of joining.

 

Couldn't have said it better. From the sounds of it, you should be counting your lucky stars.

 

PC and LTL make very good points... If she were 20 and living at home, these would be problems, but she's 15 and if she gets good grades and stays out of trouble, count your blessings...

 

Your wife and the father need to get over whatever hate they are holding on to. I'm sure your daughter notices and any rational kid will use that to their advantage to get what they want.

 

The job issue is simple: If she's old enough to work, she's old enough to earn her own money. You give her food, shelter and clothing you deem adequate. She can buy other her stuff on her own if she earns her own money.

As for activities, why force a kid to do something in which she's not interested?

 

We've grown up with Kingcreole and raising his daughter

http://www.sportsjournalists.com/forum/threads/29378/

 

I can see both sides, especially if your daughter is still just 16. I wouldn't sweat her not having or getting a job just yet.

There definitely is value in having/getting a job, and getting experience doing that, though. And that goes no matter what the job is, because it's more about the process and going through it than the job.

So, how about some kind of compromise?

Say, she doesn't have to get a job this school year, as it actually is a tough, important year, but...you'd like for her to do her level best to get one starting in the summer after her junior year, and then, beyond, especially if she wants a car.

There really is something to the fact that you need to learn how to get and work in a job, and gain the confidence and assurance and knowledge that you can in fact do so, and it is possible to do a disservice to yourself by never having one until you're in your 20s.

And that doesn't even take into consideration whether somebody actually needs any money.

My parents did something like this with one of my brothers, a really bright, gifted guy, when they made him earn money first to buy his own car and then pay for his books in college because he wanted to go away to school, to a more-expensive place than my parents could afford with our large family and my dad's modest income. (They paid for everything else, including tuition and room and board when he wanted out of the dorms).

So, he worked summers all through high school and college, first as a salad boy at a local, but well-known restaurant chain. He stayed at that restaurant all through those years, with the place hiring him back, quickly, easily and happily, and moving him up each time he came home every year.

Well, he's grown up and moved on from that restaurant, having wound up majoring in hotel business administration and becoming a local area manager first the Marriott Corporation, and now, the western U.S. district manager for commercial food-service industry giant Sodexo.

We're all really proud of him and still marvel, even years later, at how he went on from that first job.

Your daughter sounds like someone who will find her way, too, but you should stick to your guns to a certain extent, as well.

 

Some good responses here, and they're appreciated. I guess the frustrating thing is any time we bring up finding a job, she dismisses most ideas. She was briefly excited at the notion of working at Hobby Lobby on the weekends, until we reminded her they don't open Sundays.

Obviously, my daughter is a good kid. i don't want to act like she's a spoiled brat who is unappreciative and is lazy. Someone brought up that teenagers will often surprise you with what they end up liking. I never saw her becoming a cheerleader when she was in sixth grade, and boom! She's on varsity as a freshman at a school in the state's biggest classification. I'm sure one day she'll wake up, announce she found a job and can't wait to start working there. And it will be at a place that I would never imagined.

I hope I'm not coming off as ungrateful. She's a great kid. Just probably a typical teenager. I know I was a prick to my parents. I just don't want to see her waste opportunities. By my junior year, I was working year-round (soccer referee in spring/fall, lifeguard in summer, youth basketball games in winter). I also played soccer year-round. I know times and kids change, but like I said, I just don't want her wasting what could be good opportunities. We don't plan to push the Junior Phys Ed stuff. I guess I just wish she had the attitude of, "Dang ... sounds neat but I don't think I can pull it off."

As for my wife and my daughter's father, someone suggested they work on their relationship. Ain't gonna happen. I stay out of it as much as I can. They say time heals all wounds? whatever wounds were caused are getting worse with age. They actually used to be somewhat civilized. Not friendly, but they could at least talk on the phone. I bet it's been three years since they had ANY sort of interaction.

 

One think I think all of us with teenage kids struggle with is that we're so cognizant of how difficult life/the job market/etc. is that we want them to do anything and everything that's possible to succeed. Check that -- all of us with kids of any age.

But sometimes what kids need is a break. My 14-year-old daughter is coming home from school and doing nothing, but this is just a few weeks at the end of a school year where she frequently was rehearing in plays til 10 at night, or getting up at 5 a.m. to go to speech tournaments. With all his activities, I can count on one hand the times my 16-year-old junior has taken the bus home straight after school in three years. And now he's starting summer football workouts -- next week, during finals week.

It's been said for a few years that the average high schooler has the stress level equivalent to what a psychiatric patient had in the early 1950s. I can believe it.

 

King,

With all due respect... be really careful about trying to re-live your own teenage years through your kid.

The fact that you had jobs year-round and did sports year-round doesn't matter. She's not you, and the "great opportunities" you see are not great opportunities if she doesn't want to do them. I'll be honest -- the "Junior Phys Ed Leader" thing sounds tedious as hell to me, and meaningless on a resume.

She's 15. From all you've said, she's a good kid, gets solid grades, is socially active, doesn't get into trouble, and is a varsity cheerleader, which is a major time suck. Just leave her alone. She's doing fine.

 

Don't really understand the emphasis on getting a job in your teens.

Great if it's something you want. I wanted a car and and a feeling of self-sufficiency, thus worked from age 11 (delivering papers and then working at the local paper).

My older brother never held a job. Just went to college, kicked the crap out of the MCAT, became a dermatologist. There is no such thing as a "tight job market" for people like this.

 

If had a teenage daughter, I'd tell her to forget entirely about a "job" as you'd define it and just build a babysitting service. The federal minimum wage is $7.25 an hour. Adjusted for inflation, that is far far less than what we earned. To buy a car or even pay her insurance based on minimum wage today is going to require at least 20 hours a week, probably more like 30 or 40. Do you really want that?

Babysitting OTOH is going to pay at least -- at least -- 10 bucks an hour. If you're reliable and the kids like and ask for you, that number could get up to 20 bucks an hour. Tax-free.