My New Neighbor -- What to Do?

At this point, just about anything you do short of violence is absolutely justified...and I'm not sure about the violence part.

His behavior is out of line and the wife's "apology" is even more of a disgrace. Best to cut these people off and make it perfectly clear they are not welcome anywhere near you. Well done.

 

Buy a junker and put it up on blocks in your front yard.

 

On second thought, Webster, when he was going on about you staying out late, you should have winked and said, "Yeah, I was out late, but it was worth it."

"By the way, do you guys have an open marriage?"

 

Find his wife's good door.

 

It's time to start fucking with this guy.

Go to the nearest adult bookstore and buy every nasty porn you can get your hands on. Subscribe to all of them in his name and address, checking the "bill me later" option.

Let your lawn grow the rest of the summer. When you finally do cut it, bag that shit and dump it on his lawn.

Get yourself a rubber mallet, and every time you come home late, give his bumper a tap to set off the alarm.

Get yourself a bottle of Roundup and sneak over late at night and polka-dot his lawn.

Take out an ad in the paper -- I'm sure you get a discount. Advertise a garage sale at his place next Saturday, beginning at 5:30 a.m. Make sure to use the words "antiques" and "early birds welcome." Sneak out late the night before and put up some boulevard signs directing people to the house for the sale. Then take the wife and kid to visit grandma on Friday night.

 

Nice....


Have a party and invite the sj.nation... we'll be good, honest.
Maybe that can be the next get-together... forget new York, party at Webster's...


And Zeke. Brilliant ideas, all. Do you think for a second that no one will know what's happening? (wait six months, then do it)

 

Meanwhile, over at OCD.com...

[quote author=Mr. Clean]

Hello, fellow! I would suggest breathing on his doorknob the next time you stop over, and DON'T wipe it off! Ha! Or shake his hand after having not washed your hands for at least 10 minutes. He won't even know what hit him!
[/quote]

 

Clearly, there's only one thing you can do: Have Boots find the neighbor's wife's good door.

 

[/quote]

Excellent work!

 

[/quote]
That's exceedingly well-played sir.

 

That was a good idea a few posts back when dooley made the joke.

 

Start with the magazines. Fill out a couple more subscriptions every other night or so. They take a while to start rolling in. (Not that I've done this. )

Wait a while to Roundup the lawn, but get it before it freezes. That way, he gets polka dots all next summer! If he's anything like he sounds, he'll resod and you'll get a solid couple days chuckles out of it next spring.

The garage sale one can wait until you have a trip out of town planned. My girl's dad actually did this to a friend of his on the friend's daughter's graduation day. Funny as hell. The kicker was, the friend had decided to knock out half a day of fishing early on the day in question, so his poor wife bore the brunt of the disgruntled yard-sale shoppers. Of course, the friend got interrupted in the middle of fishing and forced to head home in a hurry.

Oh, and if it isn't obvious by now, never fuck with the people who make your food or neighbors you don't know.

You're just asking for trouble.