Need advice: How do you deal with wife's affair, divorce?

Drip lecturing anybody on anything is hi-freaking-larious.

 

Why? Did not finally get laid?

 

wouldn't work, not's ex isn't an imaginary person.

 

Well folks, it is done. I am officially divorced as of 3 p.m. today. We signed the final papers this afternoon making it official. I still have to speak to her regarding the filing of our taxes, since we must file married since we were married for all of 2009. And we still have to sell our house. But we are, thankfully, no longer related.

I've been smiling all afternoon and evening. It's a very joyous feeling I have, though somewhat bittersweet since it means the woman I once thought was my soulmate is one I'll likely never see again. I'm happy -- thrilled -- that it's finished, but melancholic at the same time for the meaning behind it. I'm now in the 50% of marriages that end in divorce, and I never would have guessed even a year ago that she and I could end up like that.

I made a little small talk with her and her mom this afternoon at one point, because we were all stuck sitting together in a very small room. Asked her how school was going, she asked how I was doing. Her mom seemed taken aback when I answered that with a "Fantastic. Today is a great day!" Wifey looked a little homely -- bags under her eyes, pale, with greasy hair that was much longer than she ever kept it while we were married. I've always thought she was gorgeous, but today she had just seemed to let herself go a little. I didn't ask her about her status with loverboy. I believe they've broken up, but it's possible I've misinterpreted my data. At this point, though, I don't care. I do hope that if they somehow haven't broken up already, that they do eventually. But after that, I hope she lives a happy life. I wish her nothing but the best as long as it doesn't involve loverboy.

I think I've forgiven her, too. It's strange, because I'm not sure. I've never been wronged in such a malicious way, so I'm not sure how forgiveness is supposed to feel. This is a lot different than saying "No problem" to somebody who apologizes for bumping into you in a crowded hallway. I mean, very rarely I still get pissed and bitter about everything. It's rare that such happens, but if I've forgiven her, should I still feel that way ever? I honestly don't know.

For the most part, though, I've accepted it and in most respects, I'm much happier with my life now than I've been in a long time, possibly ever. Granted, I'm very lonely and miss having that special other person in my life, and in that regard I'm much worse off these past several months than I've ever been in my life really. I was with wifey from 17 to 26, and had girlfriends before her. This is the first time I've been old enough to want one, yet not had one. I've had a taste of love, and now it's gone and that sucks. But in all other respects, I really do think I'm better off now than I was in July when I found out what she was doing. I've got more friends than I've ever had in my life. I attend a church and am developing a spiritual side of me, which is so strange to say given that I considered myself atheist for so much of my life. I've become much more optimistic, which is ironic given all the horrible events in my life these past seven months. And I'm generally just happier -- can't really explain that, but I am. I guess I'm doing more things for me than I've done in years -- I play basketball regularly for the first time since college, I go the gym daily and am in the best shape of my life, I watch whatever movies I want to watch when I want to watch them, I go out with friends whenever and to wherever I want without having to run it past her. Hell, I actually have people to go out with now, which I had let lapse while married. My social calendar is usually pretty full at this point, which in my entire life has never been the case because i was always pretty shy and quiet and forgettable. So I guess I can explain the happiness after all...

None of that would have happened had I remained married to wifey, even if she didn't cheat and we remained happy together. So I really do feel like I've achieved forgiveness for her, I think, and in some levels I feel kinda bad for her in that if I ever do get married again, my next wife is going to get a much better version of me than wifey got because of all this. That's not to say that wifey was justified in what she did, just that in retrospect, I'm a much better person now than I ever was or ever would have become married to her, and that wasn't fair to her.

Anyway, if you've read this far, congratulations. And thanks. This thread has been a tremendous help for me these past seven months or so. From the advice early on to the support and well-wishes more recently, it's been huge and I can't thank you folks enough.

 

Hopefully as you rebound, you won't have occasion to post on the Worst Date Stories thread.

 

Congrats, Not.. you're better off for it...
My friend's divorce will be final by week's end; she's signing tomorrow, him on Thursday -- all like 5 weeks after filing and less than three months after he suspected she was cheating on him -- two months after it was proven..
He wrote out all custody for her of their daughter in the settlement, save every other weekend. But since she's living with her boytoy and the agreement says she cant be with someone else overnight, she'll never get to see her. Whih is fine; bitch is the most self-absorbed person I've ever met. She's also responsible for half of the kid's medical bills, gets no special treatment at Christmas, summers or holidays. Three of us went over the agreement and fixed it to my friend's favor -- thinking it a starting point for negotiation. Bitch agreed to all of it, which is a testament to how self-absorbed she is. All about her, always? "Have a daughter? I'll deal with her when I have time..."
And then, my friend will send her mother a 30-day notice to pick up her stuff from his house and his parents house or it gets tossed. Another bonus because her mother is the second biggest bitch I've ever met. And she has to come 800 miles to get her stuff.
Not related to me, but getting rid of her is the best thing to happen to all of his friends -- a literal black cloud over any social situation...

 

<Sniffle>... Tearing up over here! Congratulations, Not. What a great post. I can feel how much stronger you've gotten. What a journey. Please keep us posted on how you're doing.

This is going to sound hokey, but I haven't been to church in 3 weeks. I'm gonna try to go on Sunday and say a special prayer for you and your continued healing.

xoxo
Lugs

 

Congrats, dude.

 

Congrats!

 

on taxes, why can't your status be married but filing separately? it might be better for you financially?

and congrats.

 

Actually, withholding is higher for singles or married folks filing separately.

That said, I'm so glad this journey is done for you, not. You've spent the past few months going through an enormously difficult period of your life. They say whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger. You've definitely gotten stronger as a person after dealing with all this.

It's been a joy just watching this thread evolve from the first days when you were looking for any shred of hope to today, when it may seem as if it all has been worthwhile. Having final closure is a feeling that you just can't replace.

You're a free man. Go and celebrate.

 

Congrats, Not!!! Great news.