New Joke Thread

A woman goes into the gynecologist's office and hops up on the table.

The doctor walks in the room and says, "That's the deepest vagina I've ever seen."

"That's the deepest vagina I've ever seen."

The woman says, "You didn't have to repeat what you just said."

The doctor said, "I didn't."

 

Let's throw another one in here...

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She put on her robe and went downstairs.

He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."

 

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist.

Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this there were hundreds of Indians in various stages and different positions of making love.

Furious he called in the artist. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.

"Why that's exactly what you asked for", said the artist smugly.

"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth, I asked for a mural of the interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"

"And there you have it," said the artist, "I call it 'Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians.'

 

This is my 11-year-olds favorite joke:
Larry, Curly and Moe were hiking up a mountain.
They come upon a genie who says "I'll give you three wishes if you jump off that cliff."
Larry goes, and says "hawk," and turns into a hawk.
Curly goes and says "parrot," and turns into a parrot.
Moe goes, trips over a rock and says "oh, crap," and is turned into crap.

 

I like the Custer one

 

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.
They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something,
then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off:
"I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly,
"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit
and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.
"$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher,
"What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher,
"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny,
"I set up a Dip & Chip stand.
I gave everybody who walked by a sample.
They all said the same thing,
"Hey, this tastes like shit!"

Then I would say,
"It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?

 

I've heard that one before except the punchline was "Wanna buy a $100 toothbrush."

 

I haven't brushed my teeth in three days, and nobody's noticed.

 

After the birth of their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that
enough was enough. The husband went to the doctor and told him that he
and his wife didn't want any more children, and what could the doctor do
to help?. The doctor smiled, told him to go home, get a cherry bomb, put
it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to ten.

The man relayed this story to his wife, and shaking his head in doubt
said, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how
putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help!"

His wife agreed, and they drove to Missouri together for a second
opinion. Surprisingly enough, when they told the second doctor why they'd
come, he asked them where they were from, and then told them to buy a
cherry bomb, put it in a can, and for the husband to hold it next to his
ear and count to ten.

Deciding that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the couple went home,
lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. The husband held the can up to
his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...", at which point he
paused, placed the can between his legs and counted on his other hand:
"6, 7, 8..."

 

Nice.

 

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy".

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears. At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".

Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said:

"Mommy almost died this morning". Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "What do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy! "Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air. Mommy was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" Daddy, if it hadn't been for the mailman holding her down she would definitely have gone to heaven".