New Joke Thread

You are still winning the thread.

 

At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the

books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the

Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with

the candle drippings?"


"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to

the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of

candles."



"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual

question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

"What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the

crumbs?"


"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to

trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and s end them

back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box

of bread-wafers."


"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster

the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with

all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"


"Here, too, we do not waste, "answered the Rabbi." What we do is save

all the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year

they send us a complete dick."

 

Gary was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time
came to leave his car wouldn't start and it was too late to call the local service
station. The husband urged Gary to stay over. There was no spare bed in
the house, there wasn't even a sofa, so Gary would have to sleep with the
husband and wife.
No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife tapped Gary on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.
"I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend."
"Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there ain't nothing in the whole wide
world could wake him up now."
"I can't believe that," Gary said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up, won't he?"
"Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him."
Gary did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So
he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and screwed her. When he finished, he climbed back to his own side.
It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Gary screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair the husband awoke and muttered, "listen
Gary old pal. I don't mind you screwing my wife, but for pete's sake stop using my
ass for a scoreboard!"

 

one more because I can't resist...


A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating anymore and he's lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happens into
specializes in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised, he mutters "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"

The parrot says, "With my penis, dummy."

The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."

The parrot says, "Yes, thank you... I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, almost any subject you wish."

The guy says, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."

The parrot replies, "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots, you know. If you offer the proprietor $2 for me, I'll bet he'll sell me."

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. Every day when he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's won, the Giant's lost, the Pope did so and so.

But then one day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."

The guy says, "What's up?"

The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."

The guy says, "Oh, just a momentary flight of passion."

The parrot says, "Then he fondled her breasts."

The guy says, "He did?"

"Yep," says the parrot. "Then he took off her negligee and started sucking on her breasts."

The guy exclaims, "My God, what happened next???"

The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

 

How 'bout a twofer?

 

A kid is sitting on a bench eating six different candy bars. An older man approaches and says "You know you shouldn't be eating all those candy bars, they will give you acne, rot your teeth and make you fat."
Kid says "You know my grandfather lived to be 106."
Older man asks, "Did he eat six different candy bars at once?"
Kid responds, "No, he minded his own fucking business."

 

One more:

Teacher: Use harrasment in a sentence.
Johnny: Her mouth said no, but her ass meant yes.

 

A farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who insisted on a
tour of the place after she arrived. When they were walking through
the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the
mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stationed
himself at the casket and greeted friends and family as they walked
by. The pastor noticed that, whenever a woman would whisper
something to the farmer, he would nod his head, "Yes". Whenever a
man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head,
"No".

The pastor noticed this happened without fail, "Yes" to women, "No"
to men. He asked the farmer after the service what that was all
about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy'
and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it is'. The men would ask,
'Want to sell that mule?', and I would shake my head and say, 'Not on
your life'."

 

Well done.

 

Fellow walks into his office one morning and the guy in the next cubicle is sitting with his head in his hands, moaning "Woe is me. Woe is me!"
The first guy asks him what is wrong.
"When I got home last night I found my wife and my best friend laying in the middle of the living room floor making love," he said.
"Oh my goodness," his friend responded. "Did you say anything to him?"
"Yes. I said, 'Bad dog! Bad dog!' "

 

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied. 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through The park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to 'place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.'


'You know I haven't had the flu all winter.

 

After being married for 35 years, a man took a careful look at his wife one day and said, "Honey, 35 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed & watched a 10-inch black & white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot & sexy 19 year-old gal.

"Now I have a $ 650,000 home, a $55,000 car, nice big bed & plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 54 year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain."

His wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told him to go out and find a hot, 19 year-old gal & she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed & watching a 10-inch black & white TV.

Aren't older women great?

They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.