New Joke Thread

Father Mike was hearing confession, but he really needed a bathroom break.

Between confessors, he asked Frank, the custodian, to sit in as he ran to the head.

Frank was hesitant, telling the father he didn't know what to do.

"It's easy," Father Mike said. "If they say they lied, give them four hail Marys. If they say they stole, give them five our fathers."

A young woman stepped into the confessional and said "forgive me father, for I have sinned. I gave my boyfriend a blow job."

Frank was in a panic now, not knowing what to do, and excused himself.

He saw Timmy, an alter boy, and called him over.

"Timmy, Timmy," he asked. "What does Father Mike give for a blow job?"

"I don't know about you," Timmy said. "But he usually gives me a Snickers bar."

 

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed, and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on. (you know what I mean).

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered
and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she
decided go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

 

You never hear "Heavens to Murgatroy anymore either

 

A lumberjack goes up to this remote little village in the Yukon looking for work. The village is made up entirely of lumberjacks, and there's not another town for 30 miles.

One morning at breakfast, the new guy asks the others, "So, what do you guys do for, uh, female companionship?"

"Well," one lumberjack answered, "there aren't any women around here, but we've got this barrel out back. You just take your dick out of your pants, put it in the barrel and have at it. It's just like the real thing."

Disgusted, the new guy yells, "You mean you put your dick in a barrel?!? That's sick!" And he storms off.

But later that night, he starts to get horny, and he breaks down and goes to the barrel. He looks around to see if anyone's watching, and then he takes his dick out and puts it in the barrel. And it's just like he's been told; warm, wet, just like the real thing. He finishes and goes back three more times that night.

The next morning, he approaches the other lumberjacks to apologize.

"You know," he says, "I thought you guys were disgusting, but I have to admit, I went to the barrel last night and it's pretty great."

"Didn't we tell you?" another lumberjack tells him.

"Yeah. It's warm, it's wet. It's just like the real thing," he says. "It was so good, I went back three times. Hell, I'm going to go back every night this week."

"Well," he's told, "you mean every night except Wednesday, right?"

"Why," he asks, "what's Wednesday?"

"Wednesday is your turn in the barrel."

 

A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

 

Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"Well, It's Not Unusual."

 

A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

 

A Californian, a Texan and a New Mexican are drinking in a bar in Vegas. The Californian slams his white wine spritzer and throws the glass against the wall, shattering it.

"In California," he says, "We have soooo much money from our technology industry that we don't have to drink with the same glasses twice."

The Texan slams his Coors light and throws the mug against the wall.

"In Texas," he says, "We have so much money from our oil and livestock that we don't have to drink with the same glasses twice."

The New Mexican finishes his tequila, calmly sets the glass down, pulls out a pistol and blows away the Californian and the Texan.

He turns to the startled bartender and says, "In New Mexico, we have so many Texans and Californians we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

 

PROOF WOMEN ARE EVIL

First we state that women require time and money (Women = Time x Money)
And we all know that time is money (Time = Money)
Therefore .... Women = Money x Money = Money2
And because Money is the root of all evil (Money = (square root of evil))
Therefore .. Women = (square root of evil)2
Thus we are forced to conclude .. Women = Evil

 

Hitler hates UVA football