New Joke Thread

This one is straight out of the program from the high school basketball district playoffs that I covered last weekend:

Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

A: It heard the ref was blowing fowls.

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The other jokes were all Laffy Taffy quality. I'd love to hear how this one slipped through, or I'd love to hear a G-rated explanation.

 

I didn't have a place where I could post the picture and I didn't feel like doing a search for it so I just typed it

 

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered,

'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,

not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men

 

Got that one e-mailed to me last week, Joe.

 

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. 'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.' The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a Week for the past two months.' This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is This Nookie Green?' 'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied. 'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous red-headed woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed Up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but enough, The priest turned To the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'

 

Grandma's boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his
toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and
watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the
comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she
started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and
there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your
Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

 

Golfing Hit Man

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.

"Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her..... He's naked, too!!!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."

 

Hairlip walks into a shopping ball

At center of shopping mall, there is a Nut Shack...selling all varieties of peanuts, cashews, etc.

Hairlip walks up the register, asks the gentlemen......."How much for a bag of your cashews?"

Gentlemen behind the counter has humongous nose...turns around and says "Cashews are $7.00 per pound."

Hairlip; "Man, that's awful expensive. How much for a bag of your mixed nuts?"

Counterman; "Well, our mixed nuts are $4.75 per pound."

Hairlip; "Man, that's still pretty high....how much for a bag of just your basic, salted peanut."

Counterman; "Well, I'll sell you a pound of peanuts for $2.00 per pound."

Hairlip; "Well, that's a lot better.....I'll take 3 pounds."

Man is ringing up his purchase, and hairlip gives him a 5-dollar tip saying "Sir, I want to thank you for taking your time with me...lots of times, people hear me talk like this, they assume it's some sort of joke...it's a speech impediment.....I was born with it, I'll die with it, and there's nothing I can do about it."

Counterman replies with "Sir, I want to thank you for taking your time with me.....I'm like you, people see my huge nose and think it's sort of a joke.....I was born with it, and I'll die with it, and there's nothing I can do about it."

Hairlip; "That's your nose.....hell, I thought it was your dick as high as your nuts were!"

 

Guy in an old folk's home has dinner at the same table every night. One day a widower comes over, sits by him, and puts her hand in his lap under the table, right on top of his business, and keeps it there all through dinner.

This goes on for about a month or so, until one day the guy moves to another table to sit by another widower, who also sneaks her hand under the table. That goes on for a week or two before widower No. 1 finally gets up the nerve to talk to the guy.

"Didn't you like what I was doing to you at dinner?" she asks.

"Sure, it was nice," the guy replies.

"They why did you move to that other table and start sitting by that other lady?," widower No. 1 asks.

"She's got Parkinson's," the guy says.

 

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a
sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow.
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the
doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean
and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,
'Well, doc, it's like this. "First I tried with my right
hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but
still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still
nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried
too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even
tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

 

Johnny lost his right eye in an accident. He went to the doctor for a glass eye, but they were too expensive.
The doctor told him he could sell him a wooden eye for a fraction of the cost, and so Johnny did.
Johnny got a hankering for some female companionship and headed to a bar.
Feeling self conscience about his eye, he approached a women with a hairlip and asked her if she would like to dance.
"Would I? Would I?" she said.
He replied: "Hairlip, hairlip, hairlip."

 

To be pedantic, a widower's a guy. A widow's a woman.