New newspaper cutbacks thread

It's not insane to invest money in the part of the company that pays the freaking bills and will continue to do so for some time. There is not a newspaper Web site in the country that could survive if it had to actually PAY FOR CONTENT instead of just getting almost all of it for free from the print product. Maybe you ought to consider that the people investing $20 million to $200 million in new presses know more about the biz than you do. They're not betting that it will always be thus, but since presses last for a good 20 years, they likely know that newspapers will continue to have healthy profit for at least 10-15 years. Besides, it's a business expense that can be written off.

 

Since I'm about to disagree with Frank on another thread, I'm happy to second his opinion here. When a paper upgrades its presses, it's usually because it should. The old presses were installed just in time for the banner headlines celebrating Repeal.

 

We didn't have any janitors for a while. There used to be a place contracted out to provide those employees, but, ya know, that was spending money. So they cut it out of the budget, thinking we wouldn't notice. But when the restrooms and break room didn't get cleaned for a few months ... well, we slave wages made a big show of how disgusting our building was. So we have janitors again. Disgusting, I know, but my shop was just that low.

 

Times makes Elliott's move to general columnist official.

http://www.laobserved.com/archive/2006/07/lat_makes_elliott_officia.html#more

 

Dear members of the Shitsville Daily Press, it has come to our attention that several employees are eating diets far too high in fiber. This has resulted in a number of lengthy bathroom visits. As a result, we are spending considerably more than in the past on butt tape, toilet bowl cleaner and air freshener. With recent staff cuts, we also can no longer afford to give our employees 30 minutes to grunt out last night's Taco Bell and fizz out 13 cans of Natural Light.

For your convenience, we have placed blocks of cheddar cheese and Exlax pills in the break room vending machines. Please use them appropriately.

MANAGERS: This means it's also time to employ one of the great ideas from our recent brainstorming session: If your shittie goes too far, place a quarter in the jar.

 

Dear members of our Hallowed Metropolitan Butt-Wipe Banner:

We in the office tower (the second floor) are disturbed by the recent attempts by lesser employees (you) to push our corporate limits. Please call ahead before you venture upstairs, and keep in mind that we're very busy up here. My daughter is about to turn 8, and I need to make some calls for her college education and subsequent marriage to a Corporate Winner like myself. If you must ask, there is nothing bad going on at the newspaper. Please trust me on that, OK?

If you do feel the need to talk about tomorrow's paper, please take that up with your Corporate Manager. He or she (i haven't met them, but i hope we can schedule lunch soon) has been instructed as to how you can do what we expect you do do, and without complaint. If you're pressed for time, we ask that you take less time for dinner. Taco Bell down the block is open late these days, and we thank them for their commitmet to the Butt-Wipe. You can see their ad tomorrow on 6B, and Sunday on both 4C and 11D. Thanks, Tom! NIce sell!

Anyway, back to business. Please remember that the Butt-Wipe offers its employees outstanding benefits, especially the new Employee Assistance Program. Dr. David says he has been pleased with the strong response, although Eric in Sports is fucking up our 100 Percent Club in the newsroom. Eric, please tell me if you have a problem with your personal situation, OK?

And finally, I thank my Butt-Wipe employees for their constant commitment. I simply couldn't stand to live here in my waterside mansion (eight bedrooms, 12 baths, and such a lovely sun room!) if I didn't know that you people are there for me each and every day, eight hours or 10 or whatever it takes (remember what i said about dinner breaks, OK? Less is more, and you can thank me for the weight loss later.).

Love to talk more, but you're on deadline, i'm sure, and my flight to Paris is leaving any minute now. Bust a nut for The Cause, OK?

Love and kisses,
Your Beloved Corporate Publisher

p.s. When I get back, we will deal with this salary issue, I promise. But trust me: If you can't purchase in this market (and who can?), please remember that your Corporate Manager is well-trained on how to put you in touch with a local roommate service. Can't have enough friends, can you?

 

You guys are writing parodies. How's this for reality?

When I worked for a daily (now defunct) as its editor in a career-change fling, this note was posted on the bulletin board, written in green (publisher was Irish; worst thing you could do is see several green memos on your desk):

Staff:

I have consistently reminded you not to flush paper towels down the office toilet.

This morning, I arrived at the office to find the toilet again stopped up and quite a mess.

I personally reached down into the pipe (emphasis mine) and pulled out a handful of paper towels that had again blocked the drain.

From now on, anybody found to have flushed paper towels down the toilet will be subject to severe disciplinary action, including termination.

Sincerely, Rick

 

That sounds fair, though as publisher, I would have directed a clerk to reach down into the toilet for me.