Offending someone -- does intent need to be considered?

Agreed. Ignorance does not excuse stupidity. We were seated around a conference table for a meeting when a guy made a racist crack about Asians taking over our schools. When the lady next to him leaned over and whispered to him that my wife is Asian, I enjoyed watching his eyes grow wide in embarrassment.

 

Obviously, there's a big difference between thoughtless remarks, callous remarks, stupid remarks and intentionally offensive comments. All can be offensive, but each requires a different response.

_ "There's nothing like calling your mom on Mother's Day" -- thoughtless if spoken to someone whose mom is dead.
_ "That kid sure is fat!" -- pretty callous if you don't know you're talking to the kid's parent.
_ "I Jewed you out of your change." -- stupid and bigoted.
_ "Fuck your mom." -- Them's fightin' words!

 

After reading this thread so far, I've learned it's not a good idea to tell someone, "fuck your fat, dead, Jewish mother."

 

What about,

"Michelle's uppity."

Where does that fit in?

 

I thought it was "uppity-like?"

So that's obviously NOT offensive, because he didn't say she WAS uppity ... just uppity-LIKE.

 

No. You said something that offended someone, you said something offensive and you offended someone.

 

Re 'fuck your mom,' my sister says this to me every week or so.

I worked with a moron who repeatedly said, 'Chew ya down,' had no idea she was missing a great opportunity to offend the Jews (which she did on other occasions).

Best personal example of 'oops, didn't mean to offend but clearly I did'....An old friend introduced me to his wife, who I had never met. Immediately noting she was remarkably pregnant, I asked when she was due. She wasn't. Just built that way.

There was no intent--just blatant stupidity--but she was still offended and rightfully so. So I'm voting for 'If someone is offended, then you were offensive.'

 

Everybody has one of those 'pregnant' stories. Last spring I saw a good friend of mine and noticed she had a small "ponch" and was wearing baggy clothes. I said, "Mary, are you pregnant?" She got mad and told me she WAS NOT-- that she'd just gained weight. We laughed, and I apologized.

Well, she went home and took and pregnancy test, and it turned out she was pregnant! About 6 weeks along. ;D Now I tease her that I knew before she or her husband did.

 

This is pretty much where I fall, sort of an "offensive is in they eye of the beholder" stance. From that perspective, intent doesn't necessarily matter.

It's interesting how often a lack of awareness factors into the situation when someone gets offended.

 

500 people, there are going to be 500 different lines that must not be crossed.

 

It's easy to offend someone with no intent or without knowing.

My oldest brother died from swine flu two years ago and a couple weeks after I returned from his funeral, a co-worker sneezed and said "I hope I'm not catching swine flu."

Other co-workers were appalled at his comment, but I wasn't. This person didn't know about my brother and it was the kind of comment I would have made.