Official SJ.com Las Vegas gathering, April 1-April 3, 2007

Re: Official SportsJournalists.com Las Vegas gathering, March 30-April 2, 2007

OK. This cracks me up... There is a guy at my gym. I can not possibly give a description of him that does him justice. Biggest character you have ever seen. Totally Brooklyn, NY, USA. He's about 5' 8", hairy, in his 50s, built like a body builder who has let himself go a bit--a fire hydrant of a human. Dyes his hair jet black. Has tattoos all over his body. Not a guy anyone with a brain would mess with because you can tell just by looking at him that he knows more ways to fight dirty than anyone on earth.

He sort of holds court every day, telling stories (way too many of them homophobic, but he's mostly funny because he is such a character.). He's the kind of guy who will beat the living shit out of someone on the drop of the dime. I was told he once got into an argument with a guy in a wheelchair at the gym and threatened to beat him up. The gym--mind you, a place he pays to use--has put him on probation several times and threatened to kick him out.

Every sentence out of the guy's mouth works in the word "fuck"--in its various forms--at least three times. "So I was walking down the fucking street, and this fucking cocksucker bumps into me..." You get the idea. He's also an ex-cop. His claim to fame is that he was the first cop on the scene for the real Dog Day Afternoon bank hostage situation back in the 70s. I know he is a driver now. I don't ask him a lot of questions, but I suspect he may drive around some scary, scary people.

So one day, I was talking to him, and it comes out in the conversation that he is an ordained minister--I believe in the church you mentioned above. He says, "Yeah, I'm a fucking reverend!" I have never laughed as hard as I did at that moment.

I spent three days laughing about it. The thought of him marrying two people and saying, "I now pronounce you fucking man and wife. Now get the hell out of here!" still makes me laugh. Apparently, in the 70s or 80s a bunch of New York City cops figured out that they could get a huge tax benefit by becoming members of the clergy. It was a loophole that got closed up and a couple of them actually ended up going to jail or paying huge tax penalties. Not this guy, but he is still ordained.

 

Re: Official SportsJournalists.com Las Vegas gathering, March 30-April 2, 2007

Idaho, By virtue of that extra 300 pounds you are pulling along with the bike, I already know I can toast your lard ass. I doubt I'll make Vegas, but you never know.

 

Re: Official SportsJournalists.com Las Vegas gathering, March 30-April 2, 2007

That's not an extra set of lungs, you goof. They're your man boobs.