Pickup lines that never, ever work

Never did the pickup lines.

But did utter this following sentence - Me and a buddy were at a bar one night, and both of us were beyond drunk. I go out and dance with the lady, whom I can barely see since its pretty dark inside the bar. But then this light hits her just right and I say, "Wow, you're really old."

A line that kept me laughing forever. Man, I was a giant dick.

 

From one of the most underrated films of all time: The Cable Guy

Owen Wilson: What's going on with you and your boyfriend?

Robin: Just in kind of a holding pattern right now.

Owen Wilson: Sounds like you need to come down and refuel.

 

No ,seriously, I really am John Clayton.

 

Guy: Did it hurt?
Girl: Did what hurt?
Guy: When you fell from Heaven.

A friend of mine pulled this once and got kicked below the belt by the chick. It was fucking hilarious.

 

Boy: Are you tired?
Girl: Why?
Boy: Because you've been running through my mind all night.

Somebody tried it on me once. He was a really good friend and all, and it was just a joke, but puke.

 

You have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.

 

I certainly don't condone domestic violence, but any woman who attacks the package with malice just for something dumb like that deserves a good shove at the least.

If the guy is drunk, laying hands on you and won't take a hint, then, perhaps its ok. But if its just some dumb line like that, and the first response is a kick to the crotch, then I'm all for the eye-for-eye routine.

Ladies: attacking the crotch is only a last resort!

 

These are the kind of lines that embarrass the hell out of me for being a guy. Wow.

I still think Sxy's adventure tops the list to date, followed by Cadet's calling bullsh_t on the athlete wannabe.

 

Well, he was drunk and had been hounding her all night. I tried my best to warn him, but it didn't work. Next day he asked me why it still hurt (he had no recollection of it ever happening, but the girl did). I couldn't tell him why with a straight face.

 

Not really a pickup line, but...

Woman asks me to talk dirty during the act. Start off with some corny bullshit 'til she says get nasty with it. My response?

"How 'bout I punch you in the face and fuck you in the ass."

She didn't let me punch her in the face. 8)

 

Somewhere, while knee deep in some girl's anus, boots just smiled.

 

"You know, we could have sex and just not tell anybody"

Now imagine this from a guy who was 6-foot-6 and about 260 pounds, walking up to a very pretty younger girl he'd never met before. She turned bright red and literally ran away from him. (I didn't hear the line. I knew the girl and she told us what the big goofball said later).