(Potentially running) thread: Help! My daughter is a tween and the Mean Girls Era has begun!

I have read though the first few pages and stopped. My advice is any parent that even puts Facebook forward is a parent that is solely looking at their own standing and they should give it up. And your last update proves it. It's more about the "moms" meddling than the child. Fourth grade is absolutely when this happens. Stop allowing your child access to stupid social media alone, monitor that shit, and teach them fuck the noise.

 

StarSis keeps me updated on the new eras of cyber communication.
StarBro99, now out of college, was in junior high and HS from 2012-17.
The schools kept cell phones under control until about midway in that time span. Most kids were either on MySpace in the early 2000s or Facebook later in the decade.
Now StarSis has her 16-year-old twins as sophomores in HS and the baby of the bunch, Sis09, is going into 7th grade. Mom is giving her an IPhone for school in September.

Schools have essentially washed their hands of trying to control phone use during the day.

Most kids now are on Facebook but rarely if ever post. Most of them now stick mostly to instagram and TikTok.

 

Update: Another school function tonight--this one a play--involving all the girls. We got there and our daughter went backstage while we went to get a seat. Ended up sitting one or two rows up from where Ex-Friend's Mom was talking to someone. Across the aisle was the Mom of a mutual friend (the one BGH has been friends with from day one of kindergarten). My wife thinks I was being a conspiracy theorist, but I think Ex-Friend's Mom stayed there talking to someone simply b/c she knew we'd want to say hi to mutual friend's Mom and wanted to be passive-aggressive. So after a few minutes I got up and said hello to Mutual Friend's Mom. It was kinda funny, the two of us with our backs to each other talking to different people and not acknowledging each other. I also wondered if Mutual Friend's Mom was ignoring Ex-Friend's Mom. Maybe not, but I didn't see them chatting.

In between sitting down and chatting w/Mutual Friend's Mom, I went into the lobby to call my sister and give her the live stream info. Walked by Ex-Friend's Dad, who, as I've mentioned, strikes me as a rough fellow. I nodded to him and said "how's it going?" He saluted me and said "Great, you?" I have zero doubt Ex-Friend's Mom has filled his ears with tales of how awful we are, and that all those words have gone in one of his ears and out the other b/c he knows what a psychopath she is.

Years ago, we said BGH wouldn't get a phone until junior high, which is in sixth grade in our area. Guess who is finishing fourth grade and counting down the days to sixth grade? No chance we can fend her off beyond that. I'd say half of her classmates have a phone now, including the aforementioned longtime friend. The Mom got it for her so she could stay in touch with her Dad (divorce). Alas, BGH says her friend never uses it to talk to her Dad, just to watch TikTok videos.

 

As soon as my kid started to have a life outside of family, close friends whom we texted, and school, she got the phone. I believe that was her elementary graduation present.

 

Update! Kids had Field Day last week. All the activities were organized by class, so there was no avoiding interaction between BGH, her new bestie and the ex-friend. One of the activities was a sack race in which all three girls participated, along with a bunch of other kids. I was at the starting line watching the girls. The Mom of the ex-friend was at the other end of the course, where the girls turned around and came back. The Mom cheered for every kid on the team, until BGH started hopping along. Then she walked away. Texted the Mom of the new friend to ask if she noticed it. She said the Mom is so trashy, she tries not to pay any attention to her at all. Smart woman.

When I picked my daughter up a little while later, she said "Did you notice (Ex-Friend's) Mom stopped cheering for me and (new friend)?" She was thoroughly amused. I'm not, but if the last six years have taught us anything, it's that giving oxygen to bullies only emboldens them. So I'll just come here to say fuck that bitch.

 

My oldest will be going into the fourth grade in September. We’re not on Facebook and try to monitor the other social media stuff as much as possible. Right now, it’s animal videos and Roblox updates.
She has a good group of friends and even the girls that she’s not friends with, she gets along, or at least plays with at recess. We’ll keep an eye out for the Mean Girl stuff.

 

And your best bet is keeping the eye on the mean girls stuff. Don't you or your partner cave to facebook. Just, no. Let your daughter say, "I don't see that shit". Honestly. Because you as parents you don't either! It's noise only Just one person's opinion who's been there.

 

I missed this thread at first. So cool! My brother-in-crime BYH and the fun of raising a girl!

I'm ahead of you, Bubbler Girl is now Super Bubbler Young Woman, putting her old man to shame in every conceivable way ... much to the pride of said old man.

I don't have any advice you don't already know by instinct. Sounds like BGH knows how to handle herself ... and that's more than half the battle. Take pride, and I know you do, in her ability to deal with this mostly on her own. Make sure they know you're proud.

What you always want is for your child to be the mature one in these situations. If they're not? Tell them. Apply to whatever sense it is you see in them that will respond to doing the right thing.

You WILL have your heart broken, at times, both by the lame-ass actions of the adults in their lives. Whether they be parents, teachers or other authority figures. Both of my kids have had their fair share of the dickheadery you're putting up with from adults. You have to have a very highly-tuned sense of "fuck 'em". Also, and I say from the perspective of being 10 years ahead of you, these pricks are road apples in your kid's overall journey. They don't mean shit in the final balance unless you let them mean shit. I don't remember most of the parents who were judgy, etc., back then.

You WILL also have your heart lifted, usually more often, by the wonderful actions of others, whether they be parents, teachers or authority figures. Value these people and never forget them.

My M.O. with my kids is to just listen. Be a rock, but in the sense of water flowing upon it. They'll decide whether you're a rock they can trust. If you're honest with them, they will.

Be fair, but apply your sportswriters' sense of objectivity (if your own kid is being an asshole, tell them) as well as your sportswriters' sense of putting yourself in another person's shoes. It's a very tricky line to walk, but there were times when I did try to play the "hey, they might be going through some shit you don't know about" card. Sometimes the kid in question deserved that level of empathy, often times, they didn't, but I felt it was instructive to build a sense of empathy in my own kids to not just think about themselves.

I know you'll be fine. I also know it's hard to go through, but you'll guide BGH to Super BGH status.

That said? Wait until you get to boyfriends. You haven't seen anything yet.

You'll be doom-scrolling MTV Classic watching and hating every predatory and dickhead boyfriend in every video clip.

You'll watch the start of the "When You Close Your Eyes" video and be like, "Hey DICK! My daughter was just holding hands, minding her own business, and you had to go off on her about how you aren't sure whether to stay in Night Ranger or go do that thing with Ted Nugent and Tommy Shaw. I don't care if you were on the Night Ranger football team, fuck off, Jack Blades! My daughter went and married a chimpanzee because of your angst and bullshit!"



(Pictured: chimp in question)

Or something like that.

 

HAHAHA yes!!! I wonder how she and the chimp are doing almost 40 years later.

I often used the empathy card w/my wife and to a lesser degree our daughter when discussing the ex-friend and her Mom, noting that I sense their family is going thru a lot on a daily basis. I told BGH not to take it personally when she'd always cancel on plans b/c of that. But at some point, as you noted, it becomes a matter of self-preservation. And BGH was the one who made that call, not me. She came out of school one day and said, without even saying hi or what not, that she'd had enough. Very proud of her. Ripping off the band-aid is hard enough to do as an adult, never mind a preteen.

 

Another bit of advice, and this is obvious, always make it clear you're on their team. Even when you're correcting or punishing, but mostly, as a means of support.

My daughter had a particularly shitty break-up when she was in high school. Asshole made out with her in a car and then broke up with her directly after. Did it on purpose because his asshole dad was pressuring him into a clean break because he felt my daughter was too independent.

They were both in the band. Several months later, they were doing an end-of-year concert. I told my daughter I was going to steal the show. She asked why?

"Because I'm going to kick your ex-boyfriend in the balls."

It was a little thing, but it made her laugh. More importantly, it let her know I was in her corner. It can be done with humor or a hug. No method is above the love.

 

Some thoughts on this, for you and other dads who may be reading:

1. Turning Red was wonderful. There are also a lot of great puberty books out there now, including "Bunk 9's Guide to Growing Up"

2. Period panties are a newer thing, they're easy (just wear and wash, they're designed to be absorbent) but they're very expensive. Is her mother buying a bunch of panties? Is she expecting you to split that cost? Will she replace as your daughter outgrows them? This may be a case where the "supplies" you need are to make sure your daughter has access to the laundry, knows how to use it on her own (to avoid embarrassment) and you have any special soap required for the special panties.

3. In terms of store-bought products, it may not be that your daughter blows the money, but she may not know what she needs. There are a ton of different products available now. A few tips so you can pick out some things to have on hand: This is definitely an age for pads, not tampons. For your home (and your glove box! keep a few in there) you can choose one package that's teenage/junior sized and go for 100% cotton to reduce irritation risk. There are a few companies that make "my first period" kits, you could pick one of those up to have on hand. https://mylola.com/products/first-period-kit Also keep some wipes in the bathroom, like a package of baby wipes or Cottonelle wipes. Don't go for "feminine wipes" as those can be irritating.

4. As for talking about it, first make sure that you are properly educated on the subject. Read some of those puberty books or look up info for dads of daughters online. Then try to keep your tone warm but matter-of-fact. Make it seem like it's no big deal that periods happen and that dads talk about periods. She'll be mortified but try not to reflect that back in your tone.

5. I learned a lot about "relational aggression" between girls from the books of Rachel Simmons: https://www.rachelsimmons.com/books/ There's also the classic "Reviving Ophelia" though it may be outdated (no social media) at this point.

I'm so glad to see so many dads (and uncles) who give a damn on this thread.

 

'Our Bodies, Ourselves' is a wonderful tool. Every dad should read it