Putting a parent in a nursing home

Yes please make sure whatever you do that your parents is no more than a short drive away. I'm fortunate that I'm just five minutes away from my mother and I'm over there often. They know better than to mess up or neglect her because I will be all over them and take a good chunk of change away from the balance sheet.

But understand that people rotate in and out of those facilities. They are not paid extremely well so look for a place where people have been around for a while if possible.

 

Putting your mother in a nursing home isn't going to kill her. It's going to allow professional caregivers to look after her 24/7, which you and your sister aren't trained to do. But just like anything, some facilities are better than others; I think my mother was in three before we found one that all the family OK'd.

This is one of the most emotional decisions you'll ever make; I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Good luck.

 

This part is very key. Whether someone can accept their situation, be happy there and try to build a new life in another place, or whether he/she is likely to be simply, uh, waiting to die, and whether you are likely to be feeling like that's what you're sentencing them to, really depends on the individual and the family involved.

This is one decision I wouldn't wish on anyone, and yet, it's a very common and recurring, and difficult, situation, now that the population is becoming nothing but more and more elderly all the time. Circumstances are such that kids often must become parents -- only, this time, to full-grown, set-in-their-ways adults who are harder to handle both psychologically and physically. It is not easy, for anyone.

Determining whether a parent needs assisted living or something more than that is the key first and perhaps most difficult decision.

The next is determining what you can afford, because, unfortunately, either kind of care is nothing if not prohibitively expensive. Indeed, it is almost impossible for most average folks -- which is why many adults ending living with their kids, anyway, regardless of whether it's the best thing to do, or not. The simple, horrible reality of the situation dictates what happens.

It shouldn't be that way, but it is. Good care costs between $3,000 and $6,000 a month at most of these places.

I'd like to suggest the hiring of an in-home care assistant or private nurse as a possible option to give your sister some relief. These people are expensive, too (about $20 an hour), and for much of the time, they may be sitting around doing not much of anything for their money.

But, you can arrange a schedule that is, perhaps, part-time, say, and have someone in the home for a four- or eight-hour shift per day (or night, or only some days, or whatever, if that's what you want, need and can afford). Then, your sister could, perhaps, handle things the rest of the time.

Then, make it so it's the nurse's responsibility to handle most of the heavy-duty stuff like bathing/grooming, moving or handling the patient, physically, if that's needed, handling medications or physical therapy, helping them in the bathroom, or whatever, for the times that they are there at the house.

My other thought is, if you do end up going for an out-of-home facility to provide care, you must try to make it a place that is nearby to you or whomever is likely to be the primary family contact. If you can have it be near to a couple, or more, family members, that would be even better.

This is because I firmly believe that regular visiting and serious interest/involvement by the family -- even every day, or almost every day, if you can swing it -- is noticed, and is the key to patients receiving the best of care.

Recently, my mother had to put my grandmother into a facility after the latter had lived with her for two years. But, my mom visited the place, often spending hours there, every day, talking to, eating with (or feeding, if necessary) or wheeling my grandmother around the grounds, alerting employees to any needs, getting to know the nurses and aides, etc. And all of the rest of us made regular visits, too, although not as often as that.

In other words, the people working at the place knew that we were not just dumping my grandmother off and leaving her for someone else to care for, and about -- which is what often happens after a while to people in these places.

Indeed, we had several nurses/aides at the facility remark that they'd never seen a family visit so much, and so meaningfully. Everybody, including little great grand-kids, went there at times, and I believe employees at the place took note, appreciated it, and admired it. And that feeling fostered and encouraged a desire by the employees to also take good care of my grandmother. They knew she was cared about, and that helped them to want to get to know and care about her, too.

And they did, providing safety and care for my grandmother (who struggled mightily with the idea of being there, and never truly accepted or grew comfortable there) and also providing what peace of mind and and normalcy they could to my mother.

For the good of all involved, putting parents in these homes should not ever become a means of absolving a family of all responsibility save financial ones.

 

This.

I went through this last year with 95 (soon to be 96) year old Birdscribe the Elder, a.k.a. "Stud Puppet" (a name given him by my friends years ago because he was a ladies' man).

He lives about 75 miles from me, near where I grew up and where he's lived since the late 1940s. His brother, who he was in biz with for 43 years died years ago. His sister-in-law died in 2004 and most of his friends have either died or moved away. Yet, he refuses to leave and move up by me, which I've been pestering him about since he had a mild stroke in 2002.

Now for a 95 1/2-year-old, he's in marvelous shape. He still gets around by himself, although his eyes, short-term memory and conversation skills aren't what they once were. But he is by himself for the most part and it's hard on him. For obvious reasons, I can't get down to see him as much as I want, although I do talk to him every day.

He lives in a nice seniors' complex, but it's not assisted living. Last year, he had some issues where a county nurse came to him to check him out on behalf of his doctor and had problems with his arrangements. She called me and even dropped subtle, roundabout talk of "elder abuse," which sent me ballistic for the rest of the afternoon.

But fortunately, she had someone else call me and follow up. This other county social worker put me in touch with this nice woman who comes in and sees him four days a week for a couple or so hours each day.

She makes sure he has enough food, does his laundry, makes sure he takes his meds and generally serves as my eyes and ears when I can't be there. And she charges only $11 an hour.

TwoG, if you can find someone like this who you trust, this could be a reasonable option. And Godspeed to you here. This is a wrenching, emotionally draining, mental meat grinder of a decision in which you second-guess yourself from start to finish.

 

I've got to scratch my head at the feeling that this is something you "wouldn't wish this on anyone." If you have to make this decision, it means your mother and/or father has lived a long and full life and needs some supervision in his/her final years. It doesn't mean it's easy, and I'm not saying at all that it shouldn't be an emotional or difficult decision. But there are a lot of us who wish we had to make this decision, instead of watching a parent disintegrate and die before she can even collect Social Security.

 

Well-said.

 

I can understand that sentiment. There are certainly other tragedies, some of which would preclude having to deal with this situation.

That said, I think I'd still rather deal with something else, and certainly, if I were the one who might be in the position of being too much of a burden on someone, well, I think I'd rather die before then.

Have you been in some of these types of facilities? There is no way to put a good/nice face on them, even though such efforts are certainly made.

 

Beej, point taken and a good one.

But even with all of that -- and there's not a day that goes by that I don't thank my walking, upright Supreme Being for my father and his good health -- it IS a tough decision that many people agonize about.

Having an aged parent is a blessing that certainly outweighs the "curse" factor, for lack of a better term. And I've been on both ends of it, Beej; my mother died of a brain tumor at 47 -- when I was 5.

At the same time, I've got a good friend of mine from high school who has basically put the last 10 years of her life on hold to take care of her mother. For her, it's nearly a 24/7 job and she has no life.

 

I wholeheartedly agree. And it's rarely too early to start the application process.

My 86-year-old grandmother is now on oxygen 24/7 and essentially housebound. The long-term care insurance not only covered pretty much everything from her months-long stay in a hospital and various rehab facilities last winter, it ensures she can have a licensed in-home aide all day -- or even round-the-clock if that becomes necessary. It would also help cover the cost of an assisted-living facility, though my grandmother has essentially refused to move.

My mom also has a long-term care policy, even though she's covered by solid pension-linked insurance plans.

 

I have. My only experience with such a place was when my Mom's Mom had to be placed in a nursing home after she rapidly went blind from glaucoma. The smell is still embedded in my nostrils, but thankfully the staff there was very good to Grandma, who ended up being there four or five years before she died.

I never said those places were palaces. But it's an alternative I wish my other three grandparents--all of whom died before turning 65--and my Mom had. As for my Dad, his first words after my Mom was diagnosed were "If she goes, I'm going with her." Thankfully, he didn't, but I don't envision him making it another two decades, either.

I don't mean to threadjack a sensitive subject, or to infer someone's suffering is less than anybody else's. It sucks regardless of how old the parent is--60, 80, 100--when he/she needs to be taken care of by a child. But I would have much preferred if any of the elders in my family had to be put into a home to maximize their remaining years. I would give anything to have to figure out what to do with my 80-year-old Mom.

Trust me. "Something else" sucks, and is truly something you would not wish on your worst enemy. Ever.

 

I've had one of each, but I was too young to fully comprehend my father's death at 50. My mother lived six years in various facilities when all the doctors said she'd probably make it a year and a half. But to see her worsen right in front of me, a little every bit every day, was excruciating. Feeling so helpless makes you feel so empty. I didn't know my tear ducts worked so well.

 

I will never put my parents in a nursing home.