Putting a parent in a nursing home

Never say never, unless it is to say, "You never know."

There may come a time when your parent needs professional, trained help, for the safe handling, lifting, turning and moving of them. When people get old enough, their spines (or other bones/muscles) may literally be disintegrated, and even someone who has gotten lighter with weight loss is still adult-sized, and may be in pain with any wrong move, on their part, or yours.

You may become exhausted and unable to help being exasperated as a result of cleaning up after an adult who has lost control of their bodily functions, when you find you are changing and washing sheets, clothes, the carpet, the bathrooms and the person, with every bladder leak or bowel movement, every day, several times a day, because they can no longer move fast enough to get to a bathroom. Or else, because they may make it to the bathroom but trail poop down their legs and along the way all the way there.

Then, there may come a time when, for the above-stated reason, you have a portable toilet standing right next to the bed. And they still can't get up and get there fast enough. Or, if they do get there, remember, there is no flushing, so you then have to clean out the bowl, by hand, and clean up the person, after every use.

You, and your parent, may struggle openly and horribly with the utter frustration, mess and humiliation of this issue. And, unlike with a child, who learns and improves in this area over time, adults with these problems don't ever get better -- only worse.

This concept, as it applies to not only bodily functions but everything, is among the most difficult and heartbreaking for families to fully realize, understand, and especially, to accept and handle. It is all the more difficult if the parent is not senile, but rather, all too aware of what is happening to them as they descend back into infantility, or into illness or inadequacy.

Bathing them is difficult because they may be unable to stand for long, or safely, in a shower, and they may be unable to lower themselves into a bathtub, or to get up out of one. And you may hurt them while trying to "help" by pulling and pushing them up or down in the process. The needs of an increasingly older population have made me a loud proponent of there being general contracting rules that make putting a safety bar and a seat or bench into every tub and shower built in every home in this country a standardized practice. It is something that could be a benefit to everyone, anyway, not just to older people, and should occur as a matter of course.

The elderly may fall, sometimes seemingly, for no reason -- slipping, losing balance, tipping over, or tripping over not just curbs but nothing at all, thus hurting themselves (oftentimes badly) several times, before they or you decide that change really is in order. And they will have less and less ability to recover each time it happens.

They may be unable or unwilling to eat, at which point you will likely try just about anything to get them to do so, just so they don't, literally, waste away, or die of dehydration. Which they will, if you don't have access to intravenous equipment, or someone else with more finesse/ability, empathy or influence on your parent (for whatever reason) than you do.

You can swear that you will never put your parents in a nursing home, and I think most of us go into such a possible situation feeling that way. These are, by and large, the people who love us most in the world, after all.

The least we should want to do is to return the favor and care for them if/when the time comes that they need it.

But, as people age into their 90s and beyond, and things start to do nothing but deteriorate, you may realize that you really can't do everything, no matter how much you want to and would be willing; and, as the situation takes a long-term toll on not only you but also other immediate and extended family members and their lives, the rules and what you always thought you'd do might change.

Sometimes, it can't be helped.

 

writethinking said it best.

sometimes there is no good alternative.

after having watched my grandparents both die in the past three years after finishing up their last few years of misery in nursing homes - with me as the only family member within 3,000 miles so i was the only one who regularly visited and understood what they went through - i really don't know what i'd choose for my own parents if somehow i was given a choice of an unexpected and sudden death vs years of deterioration.

 

Thanks for all the advice everyone. Here's an update: They put my mom into an assisted living facility last Friday and she's slowing rehabbibng. My sister was broken up about it but said she's welcome to return to her house when she's back on her feet. So I guess we'll see how that goes. The place seems nice and I actually know a woman who works there and she said it's a good place. But man is it depressing. Was up there with my girlfriend Saturday and an old woman sitting in the hallway in a wheelchair says "Just step on me. Nobody cares about me anyway." Depressing!

 

Great post. My parents, who are both in their 60s and just starting into their retirement had my 90-year-old grandfather move in with them in the past two years. Previously, he didn't live that close to them and I think he let on that he was in much better condition than he is.

I've seen his care become a full-time job for both of them and an awful burden for a lot of the reasons you suggested. It's one thing that they'd love him enough to want to help him, but realistically, they aren't able to provide the care he could get elsewhere. It's frustrating and tiring them both out greatly and it will probably shorten their lives - than God they're very active at their age as it is. There are days he won't eat, there are days he won't talk to them, and there are days when accidents do happen. There are also weeks he sleeps so much he looks like he's waiting to die and others where he tries to convince the rest of the world he can still do everything.

In a seniors' home, he could be with other seniors who are at the same stage of life that he is and where he can feel among peers. There ,he has trained, young staff taking care of him and they can put their emotions aside and do their jobs if they see him going downhill.

You'd like to say never, I think my parents did - and you hate to be the person making that call - but sometimes, it just makes too much sense not to do it.

 

That is sad but a good assisted living facility helps the residents but allows them to be as independent as possible. My mother still gets around real well, and she is part of a knitting group that makes blankets for preemies at the local hospital and she lives for it. I can hoestly say that while her facility has its issues from time to time, she probably prolonged her life by three years. She has been there for five years now.

 

In our cases, the decision was completely out of our hands.

My paternal grandmother suffered a stroke in 2006. She had to go to the hospital for a few days, then she had to come stay with us for a bit. Right around that time, my father and I were planning to go to Los Angeles for a mini-vacation. The only reason Dad was able to go was because a neighbor of my grandmother's offered to watch after her while we were out of state.

She never got to the point where she regained enough function to live independently. She stayed with us for a while until it got to the point where she and my father were at each other's throats. We had her stay at an assisted living facility a couple of miles from our house. Then we found out she had some form of dementia. She fell and broke her leg, then was taken to a rehab center. Then it was back to her old place, then we took her to a nursing home.

My great aunt lived on her own until her mind starting going a little bit. She was sent to live with my grandmother while she still had her marbles. They drove each other crazy. Then we had to put my great aunt in a nursing home since my father couldn't take care of both of them. Finally, my great aunt got moved to the same nursing home that my grandmother is staying in now. And yes, my great aunt also has some form of dementia.

As for my maternal grandmother, she was starting to suffer the ravages of Alzheimer's herself. It led her to overdose on Tylenol and she died a year ago tomorrow.

Mick Jagger never knew how right he was. What a drag it is getting old.

 

We moved my grandmother to an assisted living place about a year and a half ago when her dementia started getting worse. It was hard on my mom making the call to do that, but it's worked out for the best. Where she's at isn't the greatest place in the world, but it's far far from the worst.

 

My wife's grandmother lived in a nursing home for several years until she died in her 90s. She didn't always liked it, and shared her room with another woman who she hated.

But it was a nice place, that had regular meal times and activities for them to do, such as knitting classes and bingo games, plus it had a nice living room with two TVs at each end to entertain them.

 

Whoever said said getting old is not for sissies was absolutely right.

And, whoever coined the phrase "the golden years" probably never lived to experience them.

 

this article in the atlantic was pretty good:

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2010/04/letting-go-of-my-father/8001

rauch also mentions organizations like (and i quote):

Family Caregiver Alliance (www.caregiver.org) and
National Alliance for Caregiving (www.caregiving.org)

 

Agreed. You can't say never. It's not simply a case of a parent being a burden. When they are a burden, it's really for their own good, since the parent would have to be watched 24/7.

My grandfather will be put in a nursing home shortly. He doesn't want to go, but my grandmother can't lift him if he falls, and she can't be in the house 24/7.

 

I have been looking at long-term care options for myself even though I'm a long way from retirement.

I'm looking at the prospect of paying $2,000 a year for a policy that will provide $500,000 of coverage for a stay at a nursing home. In New York at the moment, you're looking at $8,500 a month or more for nursing home, so half a mil doesn't go far.

However, the policy would go a long way toward getting me through the five-year draw-down window, which means I should have time to gift out my cash and property to family, friends and charities and safely switch over to medicare/medicaid without the gov't getting its hands on very much money.

The day you apply for assistance, they pull financial records on everything you've done for five years, so you have to have everything done far in advance.