RIP: Jefferson Pilot telecasts

My condolences.

I tried really hard not to look directly at it, even when covering the game.

 

It's like the sun. Only duller.

 

That pissed me off the year I lived in Dothan. Of course, that was also Dubose's last year, so pissed off was a more-or-less permanent state.

 

As an LSU fan/grad, I've gone through the different stages of JP acceptance over the last 12 years:

1994: LSU sucked, so JP was a cool thing to have. That was before the days when almost every game was on TV somewhere, so it was great to be able to see road games. It was kind of like taking that first hit off a joint -- you know, deep down, that it'll lead to worse things, but you don't think about it at the time and just enjoy the buzz.

1995: LSU has a JP home game for the first time during my fanship. It's against No. 1 Florida, so it's a big crowd. Game starts at 11:30, the student section opens at 9. If you get there at 10, you're sitting in the nosebleeds, so we get there at 9. SIX FUCKING HOURS LATER, THANKS TO THE GODDAMN TV OFFICIALS WHO TAKE 10 MINUTES TO RUN A FUCKING SET OF COMMERCIALS AND GET ON THE FIELD EVERY OTHER PLAY, the Tigers are on the wrong end of a 28-10 score in a game they could have won. It's early October, and still hot. By 3 p.m., people are passing out in the stands and using their T-shirts as makeshift bedouin headdresses. The next week you can tell who was at the game, because those who were have sunburned faces and white raccoon rings where their sunglasses were.
Despite the hardships, though, it's still a good time. We wear the racooon rings like a badge of honor and it's great to know LSU was on TV. We endure.

1997: LSU is kicking ass, and most of its home games are on ESPN. Some are on CBS, which is like JP lite. 2:30 starts, which suck because it's not a night game, but at least it's not 11:30.

1999: I've graduated by now, and LSU has started to backslide a little. The ESPN/CBS era was like rehab. Now -- especially since I can no longer make every game -- I'm craving JP games like a heroin junkie with the shakes. No  longer is it enough just to see the road games. I celebrate JP games. I need them. I crave them.

2004: LSU is once again kicking arse. Unfortunately, being a full-time sports writer means I get to Baton Rouge for maybe once game a year.
The Mississippi State game.
Since Mississippi State sucks hairy goat balls, this is the only chance JP gets to televise the national champs. And they take it. Living several hours away, that translates into covering a high school game on Friday, finishing work around 1 a.m., then driving to Baton Rouge immediately afterward. JP is no longer my trusted friend. Along with their partner in crime CBS, they've turned into the dealer who gets you hooked and drives up the price. I pay it. I need my fix. I happily make the drive, looking forward to the pain and sunburn that awaits me.

Now, I hate JP for what they've done to me. I'd be glad they were gunned down in a drive-by by Lincoln Financial, but I know Lincoln will just take JP's place on the street corner. All I can hope for is the same level of service. It's far too late for me, but maybe we can warn the South's youth and keep them away from the 11:30 game. Just say no, kids. Just say no.

 

That shit's funny right there. I don't care who you are.

 

I was at that game and I got a horrible ass sunburn. How the hell you get a sunburn in October? What sucked is that I was waiting tables at the time and I had a damn early shift. So I went to the game with a friend of mine and split at halftime (I figured LSU would lose badly. Back then, the Gators would beat the Tigers like they stole Spurrier's paycheck)....I couldn't even get drunk.
The best LSU early season game was when they played Texas A&M as a home opener in 1992. Mid-afternoon kickoff in early September. It was about 95 degrees with 95 percent humidity. Students were passing out left and right, from the punishing combination of heat, humidity and booze. Good times!

 

Ahhh, yes, the good old days. I've enjoyed the SEC and national championship runs the last few years, don't get me wrong. But I do get misty thinking about the days when you could get a ticket 10 minutes before the game and had an entire row to yourself to pass out in.

 

Wasn't that Auburn-LSU game in 94 also on JP? The one where, for some strange reason, LSU was throwing the ball despite being up by like three TDs? The one where everytime LSU threw the ball it somehow found an Auburn defender?  

If so, I'll put that as the second greatest JP game ever, behind UK-LSU. But if we're ranking in terms of stupidity in coaching, the 94 AU-LSU game is tops -- by a long shot.

 

Curley Hallman and Jamie Howard. Two great tastes that go great together.

 

That was actually the game that simultaneously popped my LSU football cherry and my JP game cherry. That was my freshman year, the third or fourth game of the season. Knew next to nothing about LSU's history at the time but learned in a hurry how frustrating it can be. LSU dominates that game -- they literally didn't allow Auburn across the 50 after the first series -- and is up 23-9 in the fourth quarter. AU's one TD was on a fumble recovery in the end zone. Then, since LSU was having such an easy time, Jamie Fuckin' Howard decides it'd be fun to start throwing into quintuple coverage. AU runs three picks back for scores and wins 30-26. It still shows up on Turner South or FSN as a College Flash Classic every so often. And every time I want to throw a large brick through Jamie Howard's windshield.

 

Wasnt there a JP game with Kentucky a couple of years ago when it had just grabbed a lead and all it had to do was stop the visiting team (can NOT remember who) for like 12 seconds deep in their own end. The visitors ran two plays and won... USC? Florida?

 

Sounds eerily like a game I covered once.

Once.

Oh, and as I recall, the 1994 meltdown came about when Hallman insisted LSU keep throwing, against the wishes of offensive coordinator Lynn Amedee. Howard was just the unlucky guy who happened to be at the end of those orders.