SJ.COM All-purpose dating thread

Re: SJ dating Nation, I could use some input.

My fiancee and I have never lived closer than an hour-and-a-half away from each other. From the time we started being friends to dating, we always lived far apart.

The first year and three months of our relationship, I usually drove to her twice a week and occasionally she would make the 1 1/2 hour drive to me. In May I moved further away -- around 3 hours.

So, getting married will be a real culture shock for us. Our trip to New York City -- five days -- was the most consecutive days we've ever seen each other.

 

Re: SJ dating Nation, I could use some input.

True, RHCP. But that's true of all relationships -- if you're not on the same page, it's not going to work.

And when the circumstances change like that, you've got to almost start all over again. It sucks -- but that's life. People change, especially when circumstances change.

By the way, my girlfriend was 12 hours away from me for about a year. We live together now, and both made some sacrifices to make it work. But we've made it work. How long could we have lasted being that far away? I don't know. Eventually one of you is going to reach a breaking point -- either one of us could have hit the wall, and we wouldn't be together now.

Sounds like your ex hit her breaking point -- sucks for you, but I'm sure it sucked for her, too. Maybe you thought two hours was nothing, but she thought it felt like a different state. Everybody's got their own breaking point. And everything changes. Gotta move on.

 

Re: SJ dating Nation, I could use some input.

That's the way I read it.

If it's almost been a year since you broke up and you're still hung up, wow.

 

Re: SJ dating Nation, I could use some input.

Not everyone heals at the same pace. There's no shame in still feeling that pain, RHCP. I've been there -- for much, much longer -- and it's not always a bad thing to feel that way. Sometimes you do for an important reason.

 

Re: SJ dating Nation, I could use some input.

I loved that girl with all my heart. There was nothing more that I wanted than to be with her because I felt like a better person when I was around her. That's why I still miss her everyday.

I guess it just hurts a little bit when you realize that the person you want to be with maybe doesn't want to be with you. Maybe I needed one of my friends to tell me that 6 months ago.

 

Re: SJ dating Nation, I could use some input.

Grieving is good. But you can't grieve forever.

You've got to put one foot in front of the other.

 

Re: SJ dating Nation, I could use some input.

I'm guessing the cautionary warning was geared towards Wenders and myself.

Thanks for the advice, ijag. Lord knows how much you've given me in the last year and a half alone.

 

Re: SJ dating Nation, I could use some input.

I don't believe it's something your friends -- or anyone, for that matter -- can tell you, because it just doesn't work that way. If you want to believe it, if you want it to be true, if you want it to happen, something inside your head will tell you what you want to hear. Only you, with her help, can convince yourself it's really over and she doesn't want you -- or she's not right for you.

Months after dating a long-time girlfriend, I asked my friends what they thought of her. One by one, they told me what they really felt, what they'd been holding back for almost four years. Finally, they could tell me what was on the tips of their tongues because it was a sure thing we'd never try it again. I asked them, "Why didn't you tell this to me four years ago?" And, one by one, they said, "Because you wouldn't have believed us."

I've felt like you do with two women, and I never thought I'd get over either one. Now, although it's been about five years since we've dated, I can hardly remember what it was like dating my first girlfriend, and it's a really weird feeling. I told her, a countless amount of times, "I'd always love you." I've got no feelings for her now. It's a great thing.

The pain will likely fade, my friend. But it's got to be on your timetable -- not someone else's. Just because other people can seem to forget about someone at the drop of a hat doesn't make that the rule. There is no standard rule for dealing with heartbreak.

 

Re: SJ dating Nation, I could use some input.

I agree with that. But I don't think a year is forever.

I really do believe in fate, and, from a personal standpoint, if something's telling you (or me) not to get over something or someone, there's a reason for that. Things will eventually work out for the better. That's at least how I work.

 

Re: SJ dating Nation, I could use some input.

This post is why I treasure the PMs Mike and I exchange. If you look past all the "Mikey can't get laid jokes," and he puts his mind to it, you'll see a wisdom in what he has to say.

The only thing I'd caution you on RHCP is if your grieving process is preventing you from living your life. If you can't even function adequately because of your mourning, then I recommend seeing someone who can help you get past that debilitating position.

But as Mike said, you have to grieve at your own pace, not one that's set for you by someone else who hasn't walked a single step in your shoes.

 

Re: SJ dating Nation, I could use some input.

I think a good rule of thumb is: Give yourself one month of grieving for every year the relationship lasted. If the relationship lasted two years, and you're still grieving 365 days after the breakup ... something's wrong. And it's not, as you said, because of a fateful premonition that things might work out again or s/he was The One For You (tm). It's usually because someone's not being honest with themselves (and hey, we've all been there.)

Yes, you've got to move on according to your own timetable. Yes, nobody's going to do it for you.

But sometimes ... you've got to kick yourself in the ass, and get over it. Because 99 percent of all relationships are going to break up. If you're lucky, you find one that doesn't. But usually you have to go through some bad ones to learn your lessons first. If you take a year to grieve every time you break up, well, that's another year off your life. Live a little.

Sorry if that's too harsh. But one of those lessons we all have to learn is how to pick ourselves up. Sometimes, we'd rather stay down -- that's a trap.

 

Re: SJ dating Nation, I could use some input.

I wouldn't neccessarily call it grieving, to that extent. I function in everyday life just like I did when we were together. I love life and I love my life. I love my family and friends and I'm generally a pretty happy person.
But not a day goes by that I don't think about her or hear a song that reminds me of her and that fucking sucks.

I've had a few girls in the last year that I've been interested in and have hung out with, but things tend to not work out because I don't exactly have a schedule that allows for a lot of social time. But I know it'll happen whether its with my ex or the bartender down at the local bar when she decides to get rid of her current boyfriend

But I still miss Kristen (my ex). And I think a big part of that is because about 2 months after we broke up we started talking again, just about everyday. And put of the blue around Christmas she cut me off completely. Blocked me and my friends from facebook and instant messenger and to this day doesn't talk to me. Guess I just didn't get the closure I needed.