SJ.COM All-purpose dating thread

Oh man, I was with you for every word. I know EXACTLY what you're feeling. I'm in the exact same place, where I think if I can manage to keep my cool with this girl, it might pay off in a big way. But it's damn hard to keep my cool and to be patient. I feel like I'm about 3 seconds from being the guy on Swingers.

But, I will say, your situation sounds more positive than mine. I maybe have already lost aforementioned cool too much. I guess we'll see. I wouldn't recommend doing that.

She sounds in to you. Good luck and let the game come to you.

 

Eh, I almost wonder if you're waiting so long that you're going from cool to cold. She made physical contact, right? I mean, that was seemingly like in 1984, when your story started But still, that's normally the, "All signs say go!" move from a woman. Why didn't you suggest something more firm - "Let's go out Saturday for dinner!" or "Maybe we can catch a movie tomorrow!" - when that happened, or the day after?

Throughout your post, it sounded to me like you just didn't make a strong move, which I can definitely commiserate with. Be clear with your intentions - that you want to bone her, but in a classy way, of course - otherwise you're just going to be going on these endless flirtations with her. I think everyone (both sexes) appreciate some clarity in a relationship, as opposed to going on these sort of pseudo "Hey let's hang out with some friends!" type of situations.

The one thing that does make me nervous is that she's canceling the engagements you do make. She might already have you in the "friends" category, or maybe she places a different priority on dating and relationships than I do. But when I've REALLY been into someone, I manage to make time for them, or at least suggest an alternate time if I do have to cancel for a reason.

 

It's always nice to see this thread come back with, if not wholly positive news, some hope for things to come.

Good luck, RHCP.

 

sgreenwell, your concerns are the very same concerns I have. And you're right, I haven't been very firm with setting concrete plans into motion. I did ask one time about two weeks ago if she'd like to go to see the Vienna Boys Choir and hit up a microbrewery with me. She's into things like that and she got really excited and then told me she had plans to go to Binghamton with a friend of hers.

Sometimes I do feel like I'm getting the runaround, but we've talked a little bit and I really feel like that's not the case. And as for the physical contact, yes there's been physical contact, enough to prove to me she's interested. But it's still hard to get those negative thoughts out of the back of my mind. I'm very confident in who I am as a person, I guess I'm just not confident in how others perceive me. But I'm a hell of a guy, and things will all be good in due time, I do believe.

And thanks, Double J. I'll try to keep some updates coming as things happen.

 

So it's been a while, just over a month actually, and I thought I'd vent some more on my situation. Things have gone well for the most part, although there's still some confusion that lingers. We met up for New Year's Eve at a bar with my roommate and her best friend. We finally had our first date the next night when we went to see Up In The Air, and as usual, ended up at a bar just throwing back some beer and talking for a couple hours. It truly was a great night together, and I even wowed her with my rendition of Mr. Brightside during karaoke at the bar. We made a deal that if I sang, she would sing something too. She didn't. But I think the standing ovation I got from the drunk college kids was pretty good for me.

We went back to her place to talk some more and threw in a movie. We watched the Birdcage since I had never seen it before. I rubbed her shoulders and back and pretty much put her to sleep, but when I left we kissed, and smiled, and it was good ;D

Fast forward a week because she spent a week in Seattle and Vegas with her best friend. Two nights after she came home, I offered to make her dinner at my place thinking she could use a low-key kinda night. I don't cook well at all. But I cleaned the house top to bottom knowing that she's allergic to cats and I have two of them. Fixed up a lamp for some nice mood lighting in the dining room, put together a solid mix of Dave Koz, Boney James, Jonathan Butler and Kirk Whalum for some nice background music, which she thoroughly enjoyed. I made fettucini with a homemade alfredo sauce, garlic bread and a salad. It was all good, went over well. Then spent an hour or so going through the photos from her trip, including the ones from the Thunder from Down Under.

Started watching Grumpy and Grumpier Old Men because they're two of her favorites and I'd never seen them before. About halfway through the first movie, we go into the kitchen to get another beer, we joke about something, I walk up to her and hug her and go to kiss her and she pulls away from me and laughs at me. Yup, no shitting you on this one. She laughed at me. But then she said I have no idea why I just did that, grabbed my face and kissed me. Strangely enough, it was my favorite part of the night.

She was out of town the last couple days and ended up coming down with bronchitis. In turn, she ended up missing my big birthday karaoke party we have at the one bar in town, which was a bummer, but what are you going to do?

The only problem I'm having is this: When we're together, things couldn't be better. We have great conversations that usually go into the wee hours of the morning. We have the same sense of humor, the same interests (except for politics, so we just don't talk about that). We have the same kind of goals an aspirations for our future in what we want to accomplish in our fields, and in our personal lives. But when we're not together, she often doesn't answer my texts until late at night, if at all. We don't talk on the phone. Occasionally we'll share an e-mail over facebook. But other than that, there's little communication when we're not around. I don't know how to take that, but the little birdie in the back of my head keeps telling me that maybe she's just not that into me. But I'm a hopeless optimist and I truly believe everything works out for the best. So we'll see.

Thanks for reading again.

 

Good luck, RHCP.

 

RHCP, I've kind of just went through the same thing, although in a much quicker time frame than you. I was hooked up with a woman on a date via a mutual friend, and things seemed to really spark online before the first date, and the date itself went great.

However, she kind of hedged on a second date, which didn't happen until like a week and a half later; in-between, she canceled one because she was sick. That one also went great, but it was another week and a half before date three, and although it went great too, I haven't heard from her since then, and definitely get the feeling that I'm more of a Plan B or backburner option.

It sounds like you might have the same deal going on. I mean, if she's coming to your place (or you're going to her place) for a movie, and you're this early into things and not pawing all over each other, I'd take it as a bad sign. Or, rather, that you two have different intensity levels for the relationship. The early stages of my best relationships have normally featured conversations stretching late into the night and cuddling, not awkward kissing and lukewarm cuddling, which it sounds like you're dealing with. I'd move on from her and find someone else to focus on.

 

Tough one, RHCP. But I think you should be listening to that little birdie in the back of your head. If she's not chomping at the bit to be in steadier communication with you, especially after all you've done on her behalf, I also agree that's a pretty telling sign.

Like, watching The Birdcage and the Grumpy Old Men movies? Shit, man.....I'm really sorry you put yourself through that.

It sucks to be a Plan B or backburner option, and it does sound like that's what you might be here. I've been in that position, where you don't get texts back or calls returned, and eventually you have to realize that if she was really interested, on the same level you are, she'd be making more of an effort to keep in closer touch.

I agree that it's better to move on and find someone who is going to be more into you. Sorry.

 

Agreed! If she was into you, she'd be responding much more frequently. Just because you have good chemistry when together doesn't mean you are meant to be together. I learned that the hard way this summer.

 

Repped. Real Talk. Etc.

 

And I'll third, even though I kind of already agreed with this a couple posts ago. Maybe it's just because I'm a reporter and thus talk to people for a living, but it's hard for me to gauge someone's interest based on a conversation. My whole job is interviewing, therefore, it's not like I'm just going to stare at a woman for an hour when we're having dinner and not say anything.

 

RHCP, sounds like a tough spot. It really looks like it's not headed anywhere, but I would sack up and make one last serious move on this woman. Give it your best shot - in other words do not piss around with movies when she's on your couch. If she's not having it...well then it's not meant to be.