SJ.COM All-purpose dating thread

It's not all that bad, Trey. I've gotten really, really good at Super Nintendo.

 

buck and others -- how do you help a friend with this (especially from far away)? one of my best friends (she lives in cali) got dumped ... she's absolutely awesome, but it's been killing her .... and our usual way of helping each other (a dose of reality via phone) isn't helping her get back into work and her life. short of going down there and dragging her ass out in a city i'm not familiar with, does anyone have any suggestions for how i can get her to realize she's better off without this guy and she's actually getting off-track by not being with him and just moping?

 

Upper deck her?











... Oh, wait. That wouldn't work.

 

Not really. When people are ready to stop moping they will.

 

Xan's right, ducky. She'll let you know, hopefully, when she's ready to move on. If she's not ready yet, no need to push her.

Now, if it's been a couple months and she's still not ready to ... uhh, get back on the horse ... then you can be a good friend and kick her in the ass. But let her grieve first. Takes time to get over these things.

 

It's possible, but rare. The only ex I'm really friends with is someone I last dated when I was about 20. So 12 years ago.

Others I can exchange an occasional e-mail with, others I just avoid at all costs. But it's a case-by-case basis, I think.

 

It depends. For me, if we weren't together for very long or if we were friends first and morphed into a couple, I can be friendly with them, never super good friends, but certainly able to hang out on occasion.

If we dated for a while, not so much. Mostly because by the time I've gotten to the point that I can be around him and not be filled with a desire to date again, we don't have anything to talk about anymore.

 

Not a good idea. You'll just wind up getting back together with the ex, unless one of you finds someone new.

 

My ex and I are are hanging out again. I think she's seeing someone else. I don't quite care. I think that's the approach you gotta take. Whatever happens is out of my hands so I'm being a nice person about it. That may pay off in the end. And if not, whatever.

 

I tried it with the only girl I was in a significant relationship with. It ended miserably, and I'm glad she's blocked on AIM and not a facebook friend any more. Haven't talked to her in years.

 

Wrote this on a previous version of one of these dating threads, and I'll repeat it here:

I've always felt like the people who break your heart, and then tell you they still want to be friends, are the worst kind of cruel. After you fall in love with someone, and you end up dating and it doesn't work out, that should be it. Because the people who still want to be friends want to have their cake and eat it too. And that's bullshit.

I spent a year trying to get over the first girl I ever really loved in college, and it took that long to move on because she couldn't just let me be, and I wasn't strong enough to walk away without looking over my shoulder. She'd call every now and then, ask if I wanted to see a movie, she'd write me emails when I was least expecting it, tell me that her family was still bummed that she dumped me. And a few times she'd get sad and cry in my arms, or she'd laugh we'd end up holding hands or making out, and for a few days I'd be sky high, only to be drop kicked back to earth when she wouldn't call for a week. When I finally told her, in a long letter, that I loved her but I simply couldn't see her anymore, ever, she cried and said she understood.

And then got engaged to someone three months later.

You can have a crush on one of your friends, have not be returned, and still be friends.

You can sleep with one of your friends, stop sleeping with them, and still be friends.

You can even date one of your friends, sleep with them, get dumped by them, and still be friends in some situations.

But you can't fall in love with someone, have them love you back, then break up with you, and still pretend that you can be friends. At least not without five-plus years of distance. And if you think you can, it usually means one person is lying to themselves.

 

People are going to have differing view points on this, like is noted above, but you just need to find for yourself. How was the break-up? Do you think you will be able to find another person to connect with, knowing you might be around your ex with her?

When I break up with a g/f, I wish her the best and delete her out of everything I have. If she wants to contact me, so be it, but I'm not going out of my way to stay friends.