Sorority: No fat chicks, minorities

Ah, to be surrounded once again by the truly pathetic.

 

My little sister was in a sorority at Ole Miss (which takes Greek life waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too far there). When me and one of my older brothers (both of whom were in frats, but at places much more low-key) started pressing her on what kind of rushees they automatically excluded, she kept answering, "All we look for are 'All-American girls.'"

When we asked her if her sorority had any black or Asian or Hispanic girls in it, she kept saying, "Well, THEY have their own sororities and they don't even try for rush." When we asked if they stood a chance of getting in, she said, "Well, THEY have their own sororities."

One semester at Ole Miss turned my sister into a bigot. That's why when she transferred after a year, I was popping champagne. Four years later, she's normal again.

 

You know, it just dawned on me.

I alway thought calling ass fucking "going Greek" was an ethnic slight, a jab at the country. Now I'm thinking that it has something to do with frats and sororities.

Seriously, does anyone know why it's called Greek style?

Because suddenly, I'm wondering if I wasted my life by chasing girls named Xenathonas Palapakonikos.

 

Despite the roofie issue, I never had any problems with Greek folks (hell, I almost married one after I graduated from Ohio) until I went back to college to get my teaching certiificate. My first year I worked at the school paper with an editor who despised Greeks, as in she refused to cover them at all. Come summer, I'm the editor doing the Back to School issue, and I have NO pictures to illustrate a long story on Greek life, so one of the page designers (a Phi Mu) brought in a bunch of pictures she had from events, obviously all Phi Mu stuff.

After some creative cropping (lots of beer in those shots), we were all really happy with our coverage of Greek life. Then the phone calls started, not only were they pissed about the fact all the shots were of Phi Mus (understandable), but apparently some of the girls in the shots were involved with Rush and their sorority affiliation wasn't supposed to be known and explaining that there was no art from the year before went nowhere.

At that moment, I decided that Greeks had an entirely too massive sense of entitlement.

 

I don't remember our handshake or any other secrets. I remember a few dick tricks and that's about it.

 

I think "Going Greek" is more a reference to two dudes doing it, all Athens-circa 2000 BC-style. So in some ways it is an ethnic jab, in some ways it is a gay joke.
And Xenathonas Palapakonikos sounds absolutely lovely, but it would have been better to hit up her brother Solon or, more likely, Nicky.

 

That would put them next to Mohammed, Jagdish and Kent Dorfmann, I believe.

 

I did the whole greek thing, and I'm more than happy I did.
But I now have a loose affiliation with my frat. I don't mind the brotherhood of it all, but the concept of being better than someone else simply because of three greek letters on your chest seemed ridiculous to me.
However, I certainly loved how the number of dates I had increased big time once i went greek. If only that was reason enough to stay.

 

Shit. I'm out $5. Bet someone else that Boots was going to jump on this question. Thanks, Jay.

 

No more Greek clues!
(O. Madison, 1970.)

 

'Oh, what interesting bowls. It looks like young men playing leap frog.'

 

The frat guy code, from an email I once received:
"I'm a frat guy. I live in a frat house. I go to frat parties. I fight. I especially like to fight independents. I think that if independents were cool, they would have pledged a frat in the first place. I know that independents are jealous of my social life. I believe that I am more fun and am a harder partier than any GDI (God Damn Independent). I tailgate. I am exclusive because I hate you. I run semi formals. I go to Happy Hour. I like midgets. I lie to my parents. I nod my head to acknowledge other frat guys. I have a fucked up message on my answering machine. I drop my classes. I exploit Independants to donate blood so I don't have to. I don't go to classes. I buy my friends. I joined a frat to feel accepted. I have an STD. I couldn't make friends when I got to college, so I paid for them instead. I give more than $1,000 of my parents' money in social dues each year to promote my frat's alcoholism problem. I pass out in random places in my frat house. I drink because I am cool. I drink a lot because I am cooler than you. I have side burns. I use a lot of gel. I cuss loudly in inappropriate places. I haze my pledges. I emotionally scar them for life. I abuse them physically until they cry for mercy. I then call them wimps. I later call them my brothers if they don't de-pledge along the way. I do this for one reason, it was done to me. I have been drunk for eight days straight.. My English sucks. I smoke Marlboros/Camels to be cool. I carry a Zippo. Yield signs do not apply to me. Police piss me off. I am above the law. I am not an individual. I mimic the actions of my frat brothers. I drive a sport utility vehicle. I drink and drive. I will never commit to just one girl, but I will tell them I love them if it gets them in my sack. I don't shower, I don't have to. "Sorry" is not in my vocabulary. I burn incense in my room. I chalk on campus. Bar attire is my attire. I am shady. I get laid. I jack off. I have no independent thought. I have party pics on my wall. I dress just like my frat brothers. I act just like my frat brothers. I talk just like my frat brothers. I strut just like my frat brothers. I never study. I devise elaborate schemes to cheat on my exams when I decide to take them. I don't buy books, I steal Cliff Notes. I have a low GPA. I am thankful that my frat buddies will get me a job after graduation because I know that I can't get one on my own. I ask girls if they want to see my fishtank. Fat chicks have no chance with me. I don't vote. I hate newspapers. I have my letters tattooed on my ankle. I wear J. Crew and Abercrombie. I'd fuck Jenny McCarthy. I carry a bottle opener with my frat letters on it. I have a fake I. D. I grind with freshmen chicks. I wear my letters. All of my T-shirts are philanthropy T-shirts. I own many plaid button-downs. I own one dirty baseball hat I live in my khakis. I wear beer goggles on weekends. My frat letters are license to be a jerk. I am loud and obnoxious wherever I go in public. I am twice as obnoxious one-on-one. I live in filth. I enjoy the smell of old-beer-in-carpet. I prefer a dingy frat house to a clean apartment. I think living among rodents builds character. I leave the seat up. I can't clean up after myself. I rarely change my underwear. I am a player. I don't care about what girls have to say. I only care about me. I will say anything to get a girl in bed. I will say even more to get a freshman girl in bed because I know she'll believe me. I serve alcohol to minors at unregistered parties. I do keg stands I own a beer funnel. I don't bingedrink-I continually drink. I am everything that is wrong with AMERICA, I am a Frat Guy"