Standup comics

Mitch Heberg is one of my all-time favorites. One of my college buddies burned me a CD of his standup as a going away present. Funny every time.
I'll third Demetri Martin and 1,427th Ron White.
"Apparently they were arresting everyone who was driving down that par-tic-u-lar sidewalk. That's profiling, and that's WRONG."

 

Brian Regan needs to be on this list...

Works clean too... Not that I mind some colorful language, but it can be a nice change of pace...

 

Daniel Tosh put on an amazing show. I paid $10 for a Thursday show and felt like I was stealing from him.

Ron White is a must-see, without the redneck crew.

Kathleen Madigan also had a pretty good show.

Comedy is another reason to love satellite radio.

 

He comes up to me, poking his finger in my chest, and says "You're out of here."

And I'm like, I don't think so, Scooter.






And I was wrong.

 

Now, I didn't know how many of them it would've taken to kick my ass.

But I knew how many they were gonna use.

That's a handy piece o' information, right there.



I also (heart) Kathleen Madigan. She's consistently hilarious.

 

Osama bin Laden is spiritually prepared to die for Islam, but he is spiritually ill-prepared to lick grape jelly from Thunder Dick's butt crack.

I love Ron White

 

amazingly, the entire story is available online. Enjoy:

I got thrown out of a bar in New York City.
Now, when I say I got thrown out of a bar, I don't mean someone asked me to leave, and we walked to the door together, and I said, "Bye everyone, I gotta go!"
6 bouncers picked me up and hurled me out of that bar like I was a Frisbee. Those big old New York bouncers that think that bouncing is cool. They hang out with other bouncers, talking about bouncing. They go home at night and watch 'Road House' and beat off.
"Patrick Swayze's hittin' another guy!".
For wearing a hat. I walk into a bar and the bouncer comes over to me, real pissy, and goes, "Take off the hat!" I'm like, "What's the deal?"
He goes, "I'll tell you what the deal is. Gay people in this area wear hats; we're tryin' to keep them out of our club!" Oh really? The only way we can tell down in Texas is if they have their hair cut like... yours.
And he got all pissed. Anyway, I took off the hat, and he walked away. About an hour later, I was drinking and I forgot. Ever forget? It happened to me.
I put the hat on, and he comes back over. Now, I'm between 6-1 and 6-6 depending on which convenience store I'm leaving. I weigh 230 pounds, and this guy comes over, poking me in the shoulder. He says, "You're outta here!" and I said, "I don't think so, Scooter!"
And I was wrong.
They hurled me out of that bar. And then they squared off with me in the parking lot, and I backed down from the fight, cause I don't know how many of them it would have taken to whip my ass, but I knew how many they were going to use. That's a handy little piece of information, right there.
The police got called because we broke a chair on the way out, and I refused to pay for it. I refused to pay for it cause *we* broke it over *my* thigh. And at that point, I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.
The cop was like, "Mr. White, you are being charged with drunk in public-KA!" I was like, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I was drunk in a bar! They, threw me into public-KA! I don't want to be drunk in public-KA! I wanna be drunk in a bar, which is perfectly legal! Arrest them!"
He didn't arrest them, instead he had me do a field sobriety check, where you stand on one foot, raise the other foot 6 inches off the ground, and count to 30. I made it to "whoo!" Is that going to be close enough? It wasn't, so they called in for my arrest record. There's some good news!
Satellites are linking up in outer space. Computer banks at NASA are kicking on. There's a telegraph in Fritch, Texas, going: beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
[Takes breath]

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. This part takes a while. Brrrrinnnng! Shorthand. [pause]

Beep. Now, I told you that story, to tell you this story. When I was 17, I was arrested for being drunk in... public-KA.

Jeff: There kinda seems to be a pattern there, Ron.

If you knew Morse code, you'd know that already. And one DWI, which was a bogus charge, cause it turns out they were stopping every driver, traveling down that particular sidewalk. And that's profiling. And profiling is wrong! The arresting officer, who I had literally known, all my life. You know what I mean?
This guy lived 4 doors down the street from me, in a town of fewer than 400 people.
*We've met.*
Now, he takes me to jail, and he asks me if I have any aliases. [Confused, stupid look]

Ron White: And I was just being a smartass, and I said, "Yeah. They call me, "Tater Salad!" " Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed on a bench in New York with blood coming out of my nose, and this cop goes, "Are you Ron 'Tater Salad' White?" Ya caught me! Ya caught the tater!

You can take down those road blocks.

 

"It's like a cheese wheel. I don't touch bottom but I stretch out the sides."

 

"It falls off. It falls...off. It falls the fuck off, turning my van into a tripod, spinning me into a dimension of pissed off I have never been in before in mah life."

 

"Hey, if we lose one of our engines, how far will the other one take us?"

"All the way to the scene of the crash."

 

"You're part gay and I can prove it. You watch porn?"

*Sure, I'll watch a man and a woman making love*

"You like the women to be ugly?"

*Naw, man, I like the hot girls with the big tits and..."

"You like the guys to have shriveled little dicks?"

*Naw, man I like big,hard,throbbin' coc--...*

This has to be the first Ron White-jack in board history.

 

"Why is it a pair of sunglasses cost more than a 25-inch color TV set? I went into the sunglass hut and found a pair of sunglasses that ahh like. I don't love 'em, ahh like 'em. Three hundred and nine bucks. So I ask the salesman, very politely I ask, uhh, 'how do ya sleep at night, ya fuckin' prick?' The salesman says, 'well apparently, sir, you don't get it.' (pause) I'm listenin'. He said, 'well, sir, these sunglasses block out 100-percent of all UB rays.' I said, 'no, apparent you don't get it. This thing de-codes a satellite signal that it recieves from outer-fuckin-space.'"

Then I found out the glasses got basic cable and I felt like a dickhead...