Standup comics

Some friends of mine asked me if I wanted to go to a strip club, and I didn't... want to. 'Cause, back me up on this, fellas: once you've seen one woman naked, you... wanna see the rest of 'em naked.

(Do you have to have coupins to post here?)

 

They have bikinis made out of seashells. I didn't know that. I also didn't know this...that if you're going down the beach and you see a girl dressed in a bikini made out of seashells and you pick her up and hold her to your ear....you can hear her scream. I thought I'd hear the ocean, but not over that girl.

 

"Apparently he had something to live for."

 

Bring yer' coopins!

 

"The DeBeers people are almost saying what they really mean. The old DeBeers slogan was 'Diamonds...are....forever.' They changed it to 'This year, take her breath away.' The new slogan is 'Diamonds: Render her speechless.' Why don't they just go ahead and say it? 'Diamonds: That'll shut her up.'"

 

"...for a minute."

 

When you enter into a monogamous relationship with someone, it's usually a point in the relationship when you are having a lot of sex. So you're willing to sign the papers saying, "I'll only have sex with you, ever, ever, ever...fucking ever." Well, if that person decides, for whatever reason, to stop having sex altogether, why, you find yourself in quite a pickle. I'm a pretty good dog, but if you don't pet me every once in a while, it's hard to keep me under the porch. I'm not as flexible as a real dog. ... I was in Columbus, Ohio, and I hadn't been in laid in three months. In three months. You can't go three months without having sex with me because I'll go have sex with someone else. I know -- because I've seen me do it.

 

So we take off from the Flagstaff Airport/Hair Care/Tire Center there ... we were traveling at half the speed of smell.

 

we got passed by a kite...

 

I am a dog lover.

Actually, that's not true. I love my dog, I don't give a fuck about yours.

He's probably an asshole.

 

I remember seeing White do the 'Tater Salad' routine before he was on the Blue Collar Tour.

Just hilarious. His delivery is amazing.

 

Seinfeld's still one of my favorites. As far as newcomers, Oswalt and Ron White have great material.
Not to threadjack, but what about the shitty comics? I remember those HBO specials they'd have back in the 80s and how painful it was watching Kevin Meany. Wow, was he bad. So was Emo Phillips, Gilbert Gottfried, Dave Coulier and Sinbad. How did these guys not get booed off the stage repeatedly? Then again, Get-R-Done dude is still around.