The Best Quotes You Couldn't Use

Years ago at a colllege football practice - at a I-AA school, where practices unlike in I-A are open to reporters/public - me and the school reporter are interviewing the coach about his quarterback's back-to-back horrible games, and I ask him a question about the kid's mechanics. Coach replies, "It's not his mechanics. With him, it's all mental. He's got his head so far up his ass and so far up his girlfriend's ass that he doesn't know if its day or night this year." No exaggeration, right after that, as we're snickering, the kid throws a lame duck interception against the second-string defense. Coach looks at me and cracks, "See, right now he's thinking about pretty little Suzie's oral technique." He immediately walks away and starts reaming the kid. Funny as shit.

 

This morning watching a conditioning drill at a local high school, the grizzled old coach is getting pissed off watching his receivers drop pass after pass on simple little tosses.

He holds out his arms, wiggles his fingers, looks at his left, then his right hands and says:

"These aren't just for drinkin' beer and smokin' .... you're also supposed to catch the football with these -- dammit!"

 

From the news desk, but a good one.

After covering a city council meeting that ended in a pretty heated argument between the mayor and a councilman, I asked the mayor what the argument was really about.

"Joe's a cocksucker. That's what it's about," he replied with about 15 people in earshot.

 

We all used this quote which I found online, but not from my story, from a guy coaching baseball at his alma mater who never homered about a player with a similar name who did homer for the first time.

"That's depressing that with the way he swings he hit a home run and I didn't," coach said. "I've never seen a dugout get so excited."

We all thought it was funny, but I saw said player out a few nights later and he was pretty pissed about it as their relationship wasn't so rosy.

 

About ten years ago,a kid from Oklahoma State (Jake Benz) wins an NCAA baseball regional in the bottom of the 9th with a home run. We start interviewing him right there on the field, and it's loud, and the crowd's going nuts, and the music's playing. Someone asks him the obvious question about the home run, and the kid yells...

"I was sittin' fastball, and he threw me one... right down the shitter"

Another one: A guy who is a current Big 12 hoops coach, at one of his previous schools, was asked about the academics of one of his star players...

"Dante's what I like to call 'summa cum eligible' "

 

A soccer coach at an area tournament watching his chubby goalie continuously get scored. He says about her lack of ability stopping the soccer balls, "I bet if it were a fuckin cupcake, she'd grab it."

 

One of our local baseball coaches, whose team reached the big-school state finals here in Illinois this year after finishing 4th a year ago, provided me with a great one after his team built a 6-0 lead in the quarterfinals only to lose 8-7.

"I just want to walk out into that grove of trees and scream FUCK at the top of my lungs. Then I might feel better."

 

Working on a football tab story about how advances in computer technology have changed the way coaches prepare for games and interviewed the local AD, who gout out of coaching a couple of years ago after more than 30 years on the sidelines.

His take on some of the latest gadgets: It fascinates me that it can be done that way. Of course, a lighted match fascinates me.

 

Working on football previews. League alignments have changed and two new teams added to a division. New reporter meets coach for first time.
"What do you think of Team 1 and Team 2 joining the division?"
"Christ, Team 1 thinks they're the best thing since sliced bread and Team 2 thinks they invented football so bring 'em on."
After some debate, we went without because it's high school.

 

A year or two ago, trying to track down kids from the school's cross country team via facebook. Knew names of some kids but didn't know their numbers (at least not until I checked their facebook pages).

Anyway, this runner kid quotes his coach saying this [paraphrased]: "The only things you should have before 10 in the morning are a beer, a 5-mile run and a piece of ass." Considering the coach that said it was an old, creepy dude, it was some funny stuff and landed on the office quote board.

 

"We got fucked" which has been echoed several times during my career.

 

"... Tell Bowa to go fuck hisself."
-- Frank Robinson