The Best Quotes You Couldn't Use

coach after bad loss:

"I'd kick these guys in the balls. If they had any."

 

"It was a horseshit effort" (several coaches have used this one)

 

I was interviewing an extremely attractive female high jumper before the state championships on the phone, and she happened to mention that she used to be a gymnast. So I was asking her about that, which led to questions about some of the extreme stretches she would do before competing. The natural and obvious question was how her flexibility helped in the high jump, and this was the last part of her response: "Anything you ask me to do with my body, I can pretty much do."

After a brief and stunned silence, I quickly changed the subject.

 

My response would've been, "Is your schedule tight this week? If not, may I have a personal demonstration?"

 

we must be talking about a college high jumper, eh?

 

We are not. That's why I quickly changed the subject. She was a senior, but that only reduced the severe creepiness factor a smidgen.

 

solid reply man, solid indeed.

 

I had a minor league interem baseball manager come out of the clubhouse and after another crappy loss say, "We f*cking suck, can you use that?"

No, coach I can't.

Then he proceeded to call out the majority of the team, saying they didn't play hard and only a select few were even trying. When he was asked about a normally decent player who was in a slump, he replied, "So? Do you have a tissue for him? I don't give a sh!t."

I was so happy when the actual manager came back.

 

Let's see, so many to choose from.

I'm doing our prep of the week story on a kicker. Call the coach and ask for a comment. Coach says, "Can I say he's dumber than wood?"

I laugh it off. Kid comes in for his photo. I bring him back to the photo room and tell him to sit down while the photog grabs his camera. The kid sits down, facing the wall. I tell him he needs to turn around, so we can take his photo. Kid turns around and faces the other wall.

Called the coach back and said, "You're right. Dumber than wood."

A year or two later, the coach tells me when they were playing for the league championship against a team with a game-breaking return guy, he called the team together in a circle, pulled the kicker next to him and said, "Son, I want the whole team to hear this. If you kick the ball within 10 yards of Joe Blow ... you see my truck, parked on that hill? I will get my shotgun and blow your fucking head off."

Covering a pro boxing match, and I ask the guy who won -- by 4th round knockout -- what the key to his win was. Did he set the guy up? Was he open to a particular punch all night?

"I'll tell you the truth," the guy said. "I had to take a shit. 'Bout the third round, I was thinking, 'I'm going to shit in this ring.' I had to get him out of there."

 

Classic one from a defensive coordinator last week during a high school football game after his defense is called for an awful pass interference call (kid from the other team fell down and rolled about three yards)...
"If I got screwed that much from my wife, I'd be a happy SOB, and I ain't real happy right about now."

 

Had a tough ending to a game several years ago in which my school went for it on fourth down (trailing by four) and inside the 10 but missed getting the first down by a smidgeon. The head coach said after the game, "Never in my life had a I prayed harder for two more inches. Not even in the bedroom."

 

Covering an NBA team years ago, the team I covered traded a tall, gangly stiff for a tall guy that was a bit more athletic and could shoot.

In a game shortly thereafter, the new tall guy comes up with a loose ball as the rest of his teammates had started to retreat on defense. He was stuck with the ball for a second with no one to pass to. As his teammates started to come back into the offensive end, the defense slacked off to pick up the other guys. New tall guy suddenly turns, takes one dribble down the lane and rises up and slams it home with one hand.

Coach/GM turns to us at the press table and says: "(unnamed tall stiff that he'd gotten rid of) didn't do that a lot."

But immediately says: "Don't write that."