The Best Quotes You Couldn't Use

I've had a high school football coach tell me to just use his "normal cliches".  When I told him that I couldn't do that, he replied:  "Then reuse your tape from last Friday.  Only difference is that we're a week shittier."

Same coach:  One night when I was on the sidelines on the 25-yard line his quarterback had just called his second timeout in as many plays.
Afterwards, he  turns to me and throws out three beauties:  "Shame is that boy wouldn't know what to do with a bucket full of pussies...I swear on his wedding night I'm going to get a call with him asking me what to do next...We run two plays, run left, run right.  How fuckin' hard of a decision can that be?"

I was trying my best to keep from laughing, but  I did manage to respond, "Have him run up the middle.  It might save you a phone call."

I never really understood the idea of a "bucket full of pussies", but it was funny at the time. 

 

Finished up a interview with a coach and was walking to my car when I got stopped by an asst. coach. The head coach, who chain smoked like it was his job, walked past us and got in his truck. As he was pulling off, he stopped, rolled down the window and said to us ...

"Boys, if cigarettes was dicks, I'd just have to be a whore."

 

Bob Knight, when asked how he got Todd Lindeman to play well a decade or so ago ...

"We stuck his balls in a vise, squeezed it real tight, shoved a red-hot poker up his ass, poured hot water down his throat and said if you play better, we won't do it again."

 

I was talking to a high school baseball coach after his team's ninth consecutive loss. He looked pretty down.

"Coach, what can I do for you?"

"Can you still play?"


Awesome guy. Shitty program.

 

Why the hell would you ask what you could do for him?

 

A good friend of mine from high school was a student manager at a Big 10 school during his freshman year. As the low guy on the totem pole he had to take care of the visiting team each night. Part of that duty included taking care of the visiting head coach at the post-game presser.

At it's December four-team tournament the Big 10 school pounded the shit out of some directional mid-major on the first night. Head coach sits down at the table for postgame, my buddy sets down a drink and a copy of the stats. With the mike live so the whole room can hear, the following exchange takes place:

My buddy: Coach, can I get you anything else?

Coach: Yeah, a point guard.

 

A good friend of mine from high school was a student manager at a Big 10 school during his freshman year. As the low guy on the totem pole he had to take care of the visiting team each night. Part of that duty included taking care of the visiting head coach at the post-game presser.

At it's December four-team tournament the Big 10 school pounded the shit out of some directional mid-major on the first night. Head coach sits down at the table for postgame, my buddy sets down a drink and a copy of the stats. With the mike live so the whole room can hear, the following exchange takes place:

My buddy: Coach, can I get you anything else?

Coach: Yeah, a point guard.
Armchair,

I hope that got into somebody's paper. That's a nice line.

Got this one today from a club track coach who is also a local HS track coach. We have these state games coming up and there's a female athlete (local HS and local college) coming back to participate in several field events. She was good in HS and marginal in college.

My question was along the lines of asking the coach to explain the athlete's collegiate struggles.

His reply:

"I really don't know. I mean, look at her ass. With an ass like that, she should'a set records."

Me:

"C'mon coach. I can't use that."

Coach:

"It's the truth. Look at that ass. There is a ton of power there. Look (OneMoreRead) shot put, discus, the power is in the ass. And she has a lot of ass on her."

 

Not really a quote I would have wanted to use, but it is a great example of hypocrisy.

In southeastern Ohio, I was watching a football coach at practice before they were about to play a team with numerous black players. He was telling his defense to "Hit'em hard. When you hit a N-Word hard, they lose their fight. They don't hit you anymore." Only he didn't use N-word. He used the real deal.
If that wasn't good enough, I was doing a story about one of his DBs and quote him as saying (which he did) "He's the best damn defensive back in the area."
He called me raising Cain the day after publication because he would never say DAMN. He was a Sunday school teacher and he didn't use words like that.
When talking to a news-side reporter about the guy, I was informed that at a political rally, a black man (say his name was Gary) was running for county commissioner. Our reporter overheard said coach walk up and ask, "What are you runnin' for Gary, the county line?"
Amazing.

 

About a player who scored 18 points in the first half of a basketball game...

"He was hotter than a three-peckered billygoat in a flock of virgin sheep."

 

College baseball coach, on being told his school's football team has hired an old friend of his as the new defensive coordinator.

"Joe Blow? They hired Joe Blow? That's just...That's great. Joe Blow is a fucking stud, man. A fucking stud. Joe Blow! That's great."

Not nearly as funny as some of the others around here, but I like that it was an inadvertent SportsJournalists.com tribute.

 

Something I'd never expect to come from Shockey's mouth.

 

Were there any good quotes after the Giants choked in that playoff game against the Vikings? Or the 49ers?

Or their Super Bowl thrashing at the hands of the Ravens?