The Best Quotes You Couldn't Use

This isn't great, but it was the first time I met the coach who said it, and so I knew he was going to be a fun season.
After his team just got bruised in a football season opener like 22-0. He gave me the stuff about how hard they worked and try to get better.

Then when I turned off my recorder he paused, took a deep breathe and just said "Hell, I'm not sure that if you suited up another team's eighth grade cheerleaders we'd be able to score."

I knew what he meant.

They did finish the year 0-10, but scored maybe 6-7 TDs. Fun times.

 

At a conference media day, a young female beat reporter came and sat down next to me while I was shooting the shit with the coach from my beat.

Girl reporter: "Hey coach."
Coach: "Look, it's my favorite writer in the conference!"
Me: "Hey coach, come on."
Coach: "I'm sorry, I meant my second favorite writer in the conference" ... (pointing to me) ... "this asshole's the first."

 

Got a great one tonight I didn't use, although there's nothing wrong with it.

I had an American Legion baseball coach calling in game the paper couldn't get to. I asked him how many strikeouts his pitcher had.

He replied "Not many, the kid doesn't throw hard at all. He couldn't break a pane of glass from 10-feet away"
Couldn't use it because after saying it he added the famous line "just kidding of course"

 

Heard this one this week from a friend.
He was covering a conference media day event back in the late 90s and was playing in the golf outing with a coach, a younger guy. My buddy, who was just working for a college paper at the time, was a smoker and the coach was bumming smokes off him all round long. In return, the coach was buying beers for the foursome, which also included a radio guy and a TV guy. While waiting on the 18th tee, the coach takes a long drag from his smoke, a big gulp from his beer and then says, "Man, we got the smokes. We got the beer. Who brought the cocaine?"

Same guy played golf this week with a coach who got nailed for some violations in the past. When going over the rules for the scramble format for the golf outing, the coach said, "Don't worry, there ain't going to be too much accuracy to this scorecard."

I never get stuff like this. My buddy gets it all the time.

 

Interviewing a pitcher who leads the league in HRs allowed.

I asked, "Do the guys on the team ever give you a hard time about it?"

The pitcher, "Yeah, all the time, but when I come back into the dugout after giving one up, I just tell them, 'I supplied the power on that one.' Oh yeah, and Joey PowerHitter asked me if I'd pitch to him in the home run hitting contest."

 

Thank God for this one....where is Howard Stern when you need him. Sports pages are starting to become the meaningless drivel we never thought they would be.

 

One time I was standing nearby, waiting for the prep baseball coach to get done with his post-game meeting with his players after they lost in the game to go to the state tournament.

Coach shakes his head and looks at his players; "Gosh, what a great bunch of kids."

Catcher replies: "A lot of fucking good that does us now."

 

That guy should be coaching NCAA Division I-A or the NFL---just because he'd be the funniest guy out there.

 

At a Bulls NBA Finals practice, I think in '96 against Seattle and I notice Salley by himself, watching everyone else be interviewed. I ask him, given his deep backup role, if it gets frustrating being on the team or if winning is enough.
"Frustrated?" he says, "I'm happier than a faggot with a sack full of dicks."

 

He's an old army salt coaching high school football. Sometimes I think he's testing me to see if I'll run an obscenity-laced tirade. Not me. Not at this shop. I enjoy eating and sleeping in a warm dry place too much.

 

this one is from so long ago i don't even want to think of the date:

state basketball tournament in georgia. team from my coverage area might have had the best team in the state, but managed to yak it up and lose in the quarterfinals. coach was in the locker room a LONG time. when he came out, he uttered words that will live in infamy: "If we didn't play like shit, there ain't a cow in texas."

i worked hard trying to figure out how to get it in but not dilute it. just wasn't happening.

 

Two stand out from the past...

Approximately one year after Albert Belle was put on the DL by the Orioles I was asked to find a player who had kept in touch and find out what Belle was doing.

I knew Brady Anderson had recently talked to him so I caught him after the game on a Friday night. When I asked what he thought Belle was doing he looked at the clock and said, "It's 10:30 on Friday night. He's probably fucking some girl."
Anderson then left smiling because he knew I could never use it.

A few years earlier I was asked to query players about whether they thought the ball was juiced. As luck would have it the Royals were in town and Bo Jackson was still on the team.

When I asked him what he thought, his eyes widened, he stood up in his underwear, he swung a bat over his head and he began to run around the locker room shouting at every player, "You got to hit the fucking ball first don't you."