The Internet dating world is a cesspool

;_; I don't go post over on ExpressoMakers.com about your job. Now excuse me while I have a good cry and use the New York Times to mop up my tears.

 

Count me among those who can't believe that even a tabloid like the Post would show those ladies' pictures.

Also, props to the guy at least. They are all seem hot in the tiny little pictures.

 

I'm guessing most of the SJ singles are trying their luck here

 

Wish I had the time and the skill to put Jessica Dorrell (6) into that chart the Post ran.

 

The chart wasn't big enough for a pic of Kate Upton.

 

Scoreboard.

 

She sent me a message. It wasn't anything vague or spiritual, as much as that would make this story more interesting to the masses. No, it was the typical: A/S/L? We were chatroomers in the 1990s. This was how it worked.

I responded. 19/M/New York. None of that was true. Well, I suppose I was male. Now. But that's beside the point. You didn't have to tell the truth. This was Compuserve. This was 1999. This was how it worked.

She responded. "LOL. I'm from Suffolk County." Suffolk County. Some folk fuck County, as far as I'm concerned. I wasn't. I had to log out to make a phone call. Couldn't afford the fucking second phone line. This was 1999. This was how it fucking worked, OK? My head was buzzing with the thought. BBL. Be back later. TTYL hadn't been fucking invented yet. Fuck your newfangled acronyms.

The second conversation went something like this, best I can recall ...

BigTimer3945: Hey, what's up?
SxEChk20903: NM, U?
BigTimer3945: Chillin'
SxEChk20903: Yea, kinda bored. Have u hurd new 98 degrees?
BigTimer3945: I wuld marry you like that song
SxEChk20903: Whoaz
BigTimer3945: I mean... jp
SxEChk20903: LOL
BigTimer3945: Ha
SxEChk20903: So wut r u wearin?
BigTimer3945: Jean shorts.
SxEChk20903: Take them off
BigTimer3945: K

I don't want to get too graphic. Things got hot and heavy quickly. I was 14. I told her I was 19. I was lying out my fucking ass. This was Compuserve. This was 1999. This was how it worked.

I removed my jean shorts.

I remember stroking my penis. She sent me photos. One at a time. It was fucking 1999. Dial-ups were a bitch. Remember? Fuck Compuserve. I waited. And waited. And waited. The picture loaded. I touched myself. I told her about it.

BigTimer3945: I'm stroking my massive erection
SxEChk20903: I'm touching my puss Tell me moor.
BigTimer3945: I'm at leat 9 inch rite now OH baby send me more photoz
SxEChk20903: Cummin rite upp

My penis was a motherfucking rock. I'm serious. Four inches of pure fucking steel. I was 14 fucking years old. Give me a fucking break. This was Compuserve. This was 1999. This was how it worked.

Her vagina was shaven. That's all I remember. That, and she had a fairly unpronounced clitoris. Probably because she was 14. Probably because this was all a felony. I sent her a photo of my junk. I trimmed the hedges. Appearances, you know? Sure, this was 1999. But it wasn't fucking 1979. My junk looked enormous. I was convinced. Pure fucking wood.

SxEChik20903: Wowzzzzzzzzzz I want it n me
BigTimer3945: NE time babe
SxEChik20903: We shud totaly meet up sumtym.
BigTimer3945: Ive got aplace.

I don't remember how long we had been IMing at that point. Maybe two, three weeks. But shit was getting fucking serious. And I totally didn't have a place. I spoke to my older brother. "I could hook you guys up with a place, I guess. But it'll cost you." Three weeks of chores. I was going to get laid. We would listen to "98 Degrees and Rising" and shag on the shag carpeting. It was 1999. It was Compuserve. I was 14. I told her I was 19.

This was the greatest day of my life.

SxEChik20903: Totaly pumped 4 our meet
BigTimer3945: i luv u
SxEChik20903: <3

She was playing coy. So fucking hot.

SxEChik20903: Wut u gonna ware? So I cud recognize u?
SxEChik20903: Ware all black
SxEChik20903: sexxxxxxxxxxyy
BigTimer3945: i only wear all black

I bought black pants that night.

BigTimer3945: 2morrow
SxEChik20903: im already for u
SxEChik20903: so horny
BigTimer3945: cant wait

But I waited. Her connection went out.

BigTimer3945: Bak yet?
Compuserve Message: User SxEChik20903 is currently inactive.
BigTimer3945: There?
Compuserve Message: User SxEChik20903 is currently inactive.
BigTimer3945: hey
SxEChik20903: sorry got logged out <3
BigTimer3945: no probz wear sumthin sexxxy 2morrow
SxEChik20903: u know it

Tomorrow finally came. Like that fucking awful Silverchair song. I wore all black like New Zealand's rugby team, which I had no idea existed because Invictus hadn't been made and the Internet hadn't globalized sports thoroughly. It was fucking 1999. Compuserve. Give me a fucking break.

Knock at the door.

"SxEChik?"
"Hey, BigTimer."

The voice was hoarse. It sounded a little like Axl Rose, but less attractive. I opened the door.

My math teacher, Mr. Gregory, was standing there. In a little pink dress. I could see his scrotum.

The Internet dating world is a fucking cesspool. But I did lose my virginity that night.

 

You didn't sound terrified.

 

That post almost made the insomnia worth it. I'm going to have "This was Compuserve. This was 1999. This was how it worked." going through my head all day.

 

I was going to go with 1995, but it seemed funnier to me that anyone would still have Compuserve in 1999.

 

You need a girlfriend.

Badly.