This really f*cking sucks

Plenty of good stuff in this thread. Good job to all.

That said, I came across a blast from the past today as I was checking a long dormant myspace account. My best friend from the age of 17 to roughly 24 had a page he destroyed in a fit over a failed engagement some years ago. He took down the whole thing, de-friended everyone and just let it sit there dormant. It was just his way of dealing with things. Soon after all this happened things came apart in our friendship and we just stopped talking. His was a life of motorcycle debauchery and mine was planted in front of a keyboard. It was never going to be what it was again.

As I'm checking this old profile and cleaning it up today, I see one of his old messages and notice a new picture of him holding up a child. I'm taken aback by this because I had not heard a thing about him having a kid. He looks uncharacteristically happy in the picture, not bothered by the demons of having both of his parents die before his 18th birthday.

Suddenly I find myself thinking back to those times when he had to deal with all that shit. He never spoke about it. I never asked about it. But I understood his temperament. I understood the silence he often imposed when family subjects came up. It made our relationship difficult at times, but I was probably the only one in the world who could put up with it. And I think he knew that and did the best he could to maintain our friendship for as long as he could.

Seeing that picture made me feel bad that I don't know what's going on in his life. I was probably the top candidate to be his best man at one point for crying out loud. Now I don't even know where he lives. Some friend I am.

As I think about it more, I find that it pretty much symbolizes most of my relationships from those days. They barely exist or don't exist at all now. I'm not blaming anyone or even myself though. Things happen which are out of our grasp. People change. Life moves forward.

I'm sure I could call him or send him a message. In fact, I probably will. Deep down, though, I know it won't amount to much more than a brief reunion, followed by more silence. It's painful to think about really. I'm envious of those people who have maintained lifelong friendships. I want that too, but time unfortunately has eroded everything I once held dear.

To those that have those sorts of special people in your life, I say hold onto them if the situation allows it. Cherish every damn minute of having someone there who understands you. You'll find that as you get older it's rare that you ever get the opportunity to build those strong bonds you had when you were younger.

 

Thanks for your kind words, Crusoes and everyone else.

The fact that he was 49 is the part that gets me the most. The youngest of the aunts/uncles in the family. Too unexpected.

 

So, I think I'm finally coming to terms with Sarah Elizabeth's passing.

I think I am. Not quite sure I'm ready for that, but we'll see, because today was a much better day than any I've had this week since finding out what happened. There wasn't as dark a cloud hanging over me like there had been, the sun was starting to break through that cloud, even though it's been a very dreary day in my part of the Bluegrass.

I don't think I'll ever be over the fact that Sarah is gone, but I feel as if I'm done with beating myself up over everything.

So, thanks to everyone for the kind words on here. It's much appreciated, and was most definitely needed.

 

Very sorry for your loss, KY.

I relate .. I lost my fiancee, Melody to cancer five years ago next week. She was diagnosed and gone within about six weeks. Over the last few weeks, she kind of retreated into herself, and I let it happen. She kept telling me that everything was going to be all right, and I went along.

I still have transcripts of online chats that last month .. the night she told me she was sick, within five minutes the conversation turned to the upcoming NFL draft. WTF??? Maybe it was our way of dealing with it .. not talking about it ... but I so regret it now.

To make a long story short, we didn't speak much at all for the last few weeks .. until I got a call on a Sunday afternoon that she had been taken to the hospital. I raced down to her bedside, and got there about three hours before she passed away. She died in my arms. We never really got to say goodbye. It sucks.

Don't beat yourself up so, friend. Sarah Elizabeth is in a better place now, and she's watching over you every day. She'll always be in our heart, and she knows how you felt about her. They know. She'll find a way to get a message to you. They do that.

Take care.

 

Thanks Dave. Sorry for your loss, though. I can't imagine going through something like that.

I sent the link to this thread to Sarah's mom earlier tonight. I apologized for the language on here, but she said not to worry. She read the thread and thanked me for writing all this about her daughter, who had so affected my life.

Talking to her mom helped a lot. Seems like I got more closure with everything. And when I told her how I felt about Sarah Elizabeth, she said "So you're the guy she was crazy about." I wish I had known that sooner, because I was just as crazy over her.

Aside from e-mailing back and forth every night, we kept a conversation going on Facebook's Honesty Box for a good two weeks or so where I told her I thought she was an amazing girl who I'd love to date. It didn't take her long to figure out who I was, and this was about three or four weeks before she passed.

We began "talking," but it didn't last long, obviously.

Her mom told me Sarah talked about me all the time, saying how happy she was we met in high school and how great it was that we had grown as close as we were. It was amazing.

I miss Sarah Elizabeth more and more each day; I miss our chats, her laugh, her smile and above all else, her amazing personality. She was one of the best people ever, and I can't wait to see her again.

 

Sorry for your loss, KY.

I know I'm going to get ripped for this...


But I was sorry to see it wasn't the Sarah that I wanted it to be....

 

I had no idea what you're talking about ...

Then again, it's been a long week and I haven't really been thinking with a clear mind. Would you mind explaining what you mean?

 

Oh, no worries about it. I was hoping you may have know a Sarah that I knew from times past that I wish ill will towards.

Please, ignore me.

 

Went to church today, and everything got to me. Almost broke down during the call to the altar at the end of the service, and spoke with my pastor afterward. He didn't give me any different advice than you guys have here.

Spent about 5 minutes kneeling at the altar, and never realized how much I was shaking until someone came up to me after the service and asked what was wrong.

I'm seriously thinking about taking a trip to her grave site in the next few days or week or so, hopefully to get some closure in everything. Talking to her mom helped some with that, but this is something I feel I need to do to further that. A friend asked if I wanted somebody to go with me, or if I felt this was something I should do on my own. Told her it'd be good to have someone, but it's something I feel I need to do by myself.

Three of my friends at church had no idea anything was wrong. This whole week I've put on a facade, trying to mask the pain. And after talking with those three friends in Sunday school about things that had happened in my life in the last 5 years (told them the story about my dad and how I came to find him and my sister again), everything came bubbling to the surface. I thought I could hold it all together, but the closing hymn pushed me over the top. I started to cry, and I think that was the first time Holly and Stephanie (two of the friends from Sunday school) had seen my cry. They, like everyone of my other friends, didn't even know about Sarah, or just how close we were.

I thought they would chastise me when I told them how serious Sarah and I were, but they didn't. Thought they would say something when I told them I didn't think I'd ever love anyone as much as I loved Sarah, but they didn't. They were just what I needed -- shoulders to cry on and listening ears.

And that's really all I've needed this week -- someone to be there and listen. Don't get me wrong, though. You guys have done just that, but it's different when someone is there in person to listen. I still am very thankful for what you guys have posted here, and I really do thank you for that.

 

A trip to Sarah Elizabeth's gravesite is still in the works. I'll probably go see her mom and family, too, just to spend a little time with them talking about Sarah.

Don't know when I'll be able to get down that way, but it's got to be sometime soon. There hasn't been a day go by in the last month and however many days that I haven't thought of Sarah, or heard her laughter, or saw her smile, or heard her talking to me.

I still find myself looking through her photos on Facebook and MySpace, which her mom said will remain open mainly because no one knows her passwords to those sites.

I miss her. I'm listening to one of her favorite songs right now because I can't get her out my mind. I can't get her smile or her laughter out of my mind, either.

I love her. I'm not beating myself up over it anymore, but it still hurts to know how everything went down.

 

So sorry, KY. I lost one of my best friends 10 years ago today (7/21), the summer of my senior year of HS and was devastated all year. Didn't care much about sports even tho I was a good athlete. I still played but everything lost what luster it had once Dana left. I saw him ten minutes before the accident and to this day I still think there must have been something I could have done to prevent it.

Worst part was one of his good friends was the one who killed him. Not even five miles from his house.

Hang in there, KY.

 

Board,
Today is a year since one of my best friends, Sarah, died when a blood clot in her leg traveled to her heart. Doctors had no time to try and save her, and she passed at the same time she was born -- and at the same hospital.

I didn't know about it for a few months until a mutual friend brought it up. How I never noticed anything happened, I'll never know. I posted about this on 1.0 when I first found out, and I've since been able to move past the guilt stage and the wondering why I wasn't a better friend to her.

I talk with her mom and one of her best friends on a regular basis, and that's helped a lot. I've even gone to her grave and spent time there, just talking and carrying on like she was there with me. I remember hearing a voice when I was at the graveyard that day that said something like "I miss you and I love you. I'm OK and we'll see each other again." I don't know if that part really happened, or if I made it up out of grief or whatever.

Sarah has been in a lot of my dreams lately. I don't know why and I don't know the purpose. And then I read her mom's status on Facebook: "in just a few more hours my baby girl will have been gone from me for a year... my it doesnt seem like that long in a way... still feels like she should come beboping in here at any minute and say guess where ive been or something ... i miss her so much... there just isnt words for it ... been dreading these hours for ...a while... but we will get through this too... God is with us and He will ssustain us...."

And it hit me why I had been dreaming about her. It's been a year since she passed away. One long year. Hard to believe, really. But as Sarah told me in one of those dreams, I'll see her again someday.

I can't wait for that day. I love you, Sarah Elizabeth.