Top-five things chicks don't get about us

That I can't read minds, and I tend to think that yes means yes and no means no.

 

AHA! I knew it! Women want us to sit down to piss! Not the last bastion of masculinity, but certainly A bastion. It's an insidious plot, I tell you!

Care Bear, we'll have to agree to disagree. If you ever come to my house, please look before you sit. If I ever come to yours, I'll be a good guest and leave the seat down. Deal?

 

She's not coming to your house.

 

I see nothing wrong with men that sit down and pee. Quite frankly, I am surprised more of you don't do it, as it would give you more alone time to read.

 

If I'm too groggy, I'll sit. No use tempting fate.

 

In my general experience:

* Men are obsessed with feeling in control and actually having it, so trust us when we say we think your mom/sibling/friend is trying to put one over/guilt trip on you. We can feel the gamma rays second hand.

*Men are generally internal processors and, as they get older, they have a lot more ear problems, too. Send us emails. Leave us a note. Even if we claim to like talking on the phone, we will process what you say better that way and we will secretly be grateful.

*Many of us are odd about our fathers. Many fathers are odd about their sons.

*Your cooking will taste good to us, and you will be way less likely to make way too much, which either leads to us getting fat or wasted leftovers.

*Deep down, men like to think of the women in their life as just a little tough every so often, so be tough about something every so often. Most women are much emotionally tougher than men, so this is generally quite easy, but some, having had rotten behavior rewarded their whole childhoods, think playing the 24-hour toenail painter/TV-watcher is a good thing.

*It's time to go.

*When men go out to do something, they are still "out" when they come home. Maybe for the rest of the night. When men walk in the house and see a shitstorm of trouble, that pang of guilt - which leads to rage - kicks in, manifesting itself as "I can't even go out for few hours/days without things falling apart."

*We'll go see some of your movies. We might watch one of your shows. But we'll handle our own music, thanks.

 

Bitches, man!

 

Got another for the list thanks to tonight's experiences...

6.) No, honey, I don't know why strip clubs are so awesome. I just know that when I go there, I have an awesome time. Probably because there are boobs. I love boobs.

6A.) No matter how ugly a girl is, no matter how much cellulite her ass has and no matter how beat down her body may be, if I can see bare boobs, I'm going to look. And, yes, if we weren't together I probably would have sex with her because, well, because I'm a guy.

 

It could happen. I think she and Mrs. Novelist would get along famously.

 

On the great toilet seat debate of 2011, I'll offer up that I always put the seat down.
Not because I'm a pussy, or being considerate of my wife. I do it -- and have always done it -- for practical reasons.
Most of the places I've lived, there have been things over or near the toilet like medicine cabinets and towel racks. Leave the seat up, things can easily get fumbled and fall into the water. Put the lid down, the seat comes with it and you don't have to worry about losing items to the watery depths.
Surely I'm not alone on this thinking?

 

Well, you're a man and that was very logical. So, yes, you probably are alone.