Top-five things chicks don't get about us

1.) I don't enjoy being on the phone and when you call me on your work break, I appreciate it but am not going to be the best conversationalist because I'm either busy myself or, if I'm not busy and doing nothing, all I want to do is nothing.

2.) I watch stupid action movies with excessive violence because I'm a guy and we like to watch s*it blow up.

3.) We think about sex a lot. Even unintentionally. So, when I cuddle over to your side of the bed in the middle of the night and try to get some, it's not because I'm conscientiously trying to get some, it's because I'm a horn dog and, at that very moment, I'm thinking of banging either you or someone else in the dream I'm currently having.

4.) It may appear that we don't care about certain people because we don't ask how they're doing or how whatever personal crisis they're having is affecting them but, in actuality, this is how we care. We care by not caring.

5.) We watch sports and root for certain teams not so much because of the athletic contests themselves but because if our team wins, it proves we're better than people who root for other teams. And, if our team loses, it's because that other team cheated.

 

Stuff my wife doesn't understand:

1. Why it's fun to watch spring training baseball. "The games don't even count!" she says.

2. She has this old fleece sweatshirt from when we first started dating. It's looking a little ratty now, and she rarely wears it. Yet, it always takes me back to when we first met and were in total puppy love, and she doesn't understand why I still am totally turned on when she wears it. To her, it's just this old sweatshirt that she keeps trying to lose.

3. Why I like pro wrestling. "It's violent and stupid!" she says. Then I remind her of the violence and stupidity of her Lifetime movies.

4. Why stuffing clean laundry into drawers is good enough for us. It's just going to get taken out and worn again. Why bother wasting time folding it neatly?

5. Why I'm on here. Because for many years as a journalist, I worked a schedule opposite the rest of the world, and thus, had little time to make friends.

 

1.

2.

3.

4. (as opposed to )

5.

 

I fail to understand why anything else was on the list ... with any woman!

 

1. We don't care if you almost fell in because we left the seat up. We think you should have glanced at the toilet before you sat your ass down.

2. When you say, "I saw so and so today," and we ask, "Oh yeah? How is so-and-so?" we don't want the 50-minute version of so-and-so's life, coupled with a few tangents. We want, "So-and-so is good. So-and-so says hi." We really don't care. If we do, we'll ask follow-ups.

3. We masturbated long before we ever met you. A lot. Old habits are hard to break.

4. The Joker's line in "The Dark Knight" describes most of our actions: We're like dogs chasing cars, we wouldn't know what to do if we caught them. Don't overthink what we do, because we certainly don't.

5. If we're thoughtful enough to give you a compliment, we want you to take it gracefully. Don't put down our compliment by saying "No, it doesn't look good," or "You're just saying that." If that's going to be your reaction to every compliment, there's no reason for us to compliment you in the future.

 

What is impetus behind the growing backlash against cargo shorts over the past few years?

 

I don't get that either. I love them.

Anyway, I will add three off the toip of my head, i am sure there will be more:

1. Farting

2. Lengthy discussions about the cinematic careers of Kay Parker, Ginger Lynn, Aunt Peg, Nina Hartley, Ron Jeremy, Peter North, Randy West, Herschel Savage and others.

3. Monty Python

 

Cargo shorts > Jorts

Also, as Ron White said, if you've seen one woman naked ... you want to see all of them naked

 

Cargo shorts are fine. Just don't tuck.

 

Unavailable for comment.

 

My things:

-- I blow up, yell, vent and then I get over it almost immediately. It's the way I deal with things. If you immediately ask me with questions like "Why are you acting this way?" or "Don't you think that's not a good way to act?" then don't be surprised when I lose it again. I don't smile and say "Golly gee, that was bad" like in Pleasantville. Shit happens.

-- Yes, I could eat pizza or Chinese buffet every day. Pulled pork barbecue, too. Every. Single. Day.

-- Yes, I know you don't understand that I could be a near-reclusive hermit. Not Unibomber-hermit, but a cabin in the mountains away from everything or little spot near the beach (not on, but near) would be fine.

-- Don't bother me when I'm reading unless something is seriously important, like blood spurting from an open wound. If you interrupt me to mention something stupid about American Idol or Jan's cute dress at work, don't get upset when I ignore you. I don't care. Ever. Talk about that shit with your friends at work.

-- No, I don't think American Idol, America's Talented Idiots, The Singing Bee, The Voice, anything on HGTV, Runway Weirdos, Design New Crappy Clothing or any kind of "reality" show like that is cool, interesting, fun to watch or great family time.

-- Yes, I very easily can watch football on Saturday from 11 a.m. to the Hawaii game at 1 a.m. I like watching golf, too.

-- When I give you a gift and you say "How much was this?" or I tell you the clothes are nice and you say "Oh, I'm fat" or something like that, then I will quit giving you compliments. I did not marry you for your idiotic neuroses or insecurities.

-- Wearing socks and underwear in summer is optional. It just is.

-- It may seem crazy to spend a day or weekend with my friends and not ask about their lives, but we don't do that. We're playing golf or going to the football game. We're not together to "catch up" on our feelings.




And these things, stolen from others:

2. When you say, "I saw so and so today," and we ask, "Oh yeah? How is so-and-so?" we don't want the 50-minute version of so-and-so's life, coupled with a few tangents. We want, "So-and-so is good. So-and-so says hi." We really don't care. If we do, we'll ask follow-ups.

5. If we're thoughtful enough to give you a compliment, we want you to take it gracefully. Don't put down our compliment by saying "No, it doesn't look good," or "You're just saying that." If that's going to be your reaction to every compliment, there's no reason for us to compliment you in the future.

3.) We think about sex a lot. Even unintentionally. So, when I cuddle over to your side of the bed in the middle of the night and try to get some, it's not because I'm conscientiously trying to get some, it's because I'm a horn dog and, at that very moment, I'm thinking of banging either you or someone else in the dream I'm currently having.

1. I don't want to be "fixed" or "figured out" and am not interested in assisting in any efforts to do so.