Top-five things chicks don't get about us

Good question. I mean, what other kind of acceptable shorts are there?

 

6. Please stop asking of that outfit makes you look fat. You are putting me in a bad position. Say no, and you don't believe me. Say yes, and, well, that floor in the garage looks comfortable to sleep on. Honey, you've gained fifty pounds since I met you, 40 of them since we were married. You are fat. There, I said it. And I love you anyways, and I love wrapping my arms around your belly. So stop being a pain in the ass.

 

The appropriate answer is:
It's not the clothing that makes a person look fat.

 

Bingo.

Also:

2. I really don't want to know why Jeanie was at Claire's house, just tell me what's the problem.
3. The bathroom is a sanctuary
4. The opening scene of Top Gun, no not the volleyball in long pants
5. why our mothers are perfect.

 

I'm so glad Mrs. Chiquet:
- drinks Guinness and knows what doublebocks, IPAs and Hefewizens are by taste alone
- watches more football and baseball than I do (since I work at night, kinda busy...she keeps me informed)...and knows more about tennis and NASCAR than I ever will
- never asks me: "does this look alright?"...because she doesn't give a shit what I think...and she looks damn fine anyway
- understands that I am low man on the totem pole at work and will have to work over the holiday weekend, meaning she has to make her own plans
- loves Vegas because she can gamble and drink and make bets non-stop. Not because she could go shopping
- Doesn't care about me looking at porn...as long as I don't get a virus on the computer
- she'll randomly text me topless pics

But yeah...she still doesn't get me on many other things...but I'd glad for the ones she does get.

 

1. My love of cars, the faster, the better. My wife asked me why I need more horsepower. I replied "I enjoy anything that has enough horsepower that gives me the ability to do something really stupid." I just like cars with power that are fun to drive. That means steering with road feel. That means a stick shift. That means pricey brakes with awesome stopping powers.
2. Big, dumb action movies. The only one the wife enjoyed was "The Expendables." I like to watch things go bang and laugh at corny lines. It's no different for men vis-a-vis Twilight for women.
3. Our love of video games. It's an escape. A welcome escape. It's a nice, cheap time-waster. You gripe that the new game we bought costs $50-$60, but we get more use of it than you'd think.

 

http://sarahjessicaparkerlookslikeahorse.com/

 

Mrs. Chiquet is a dude. And he's the top/pitcher. Sorry I had to spoil it for you.

 

Mrs. Novelist doesn't get

1. My taste in moves. Specifically, Shawshank Redemption and A River Runs Through It. (To be fair, I don't get hers, either. C'est la vie)

2. My total lack of need to accessorize. If it's not useful, I don't want or need it.

3. My never-ending quest to watch baseball. I secretly think she believes I love it more than I love her. Were she to ask about this, my reply would be, "honey, I've known baseball since I was eight. I've known you since I was 24. You've still got 16 years worth of catching up to do."

4. My fairly unrefined palate. Look, I was in the military. I've subsisted for weeks on MREs. One becomes a little less picky.

5. My disdain for America's Next Top Model. In the same way that alcohol kills brain cells, this show kills testicle tissue. We're only using, what, 10 percent of our brains? So apparently we have brains to spare. I've never met a man who felt he could live without his testicles.

 

I've often felt I only use 10 percent of my testicles.