Transformers the Movie: Why God, why?

Me Grimlock no like sequel. Where Grimlock royalties?

 

Optimus Prime? That old fossil? I, Starscream, should be the star of this movie!

 

To hell with Transformers.

Long live Captain Power!

 

I'm either really young or really old because I have no fucking clue what that is.

 

Sorry, I know it reveals me to be a big fat dork, but that was fucking hilarious.


Damn, I was such a Transformer fan-boy loser back when I was 10. I think one of the most pissed off moments of my entire childhood came in third grade when I let some dipshit play with my toy version of Jazz, the Porche, and he broke it in half at recess. If I saw that kid walking down the street today, I'd still want to punch him in the face.

At the same time, my greatest Christmans present of all time remains Optimus Prime, which I found out years later my grandmother pratically wrestled out of the arms of some lady at KayBee Toys two weeks before Christmas, because it was the last one in the entire state. Way to kick ass, grandma!

My less-than-serious casting wishlist for the Transformer movie:

Autobots

Optimus Prime: James Gandolfini
Bumblebee: Dave Chapelle
Hot Rod: Bernie Mac
Ratchet: Ed Burns
Ironhide: Sean Connery
Hound: Vince Vaughn
Prowl: Ben Affleck (He needs the work).
Grimlock: Vin Diesel
Wheeljack: Danny Glover
Bluestreak: Chris Rock
Smokescreen: Toby McGwire
Sunstreaker: Jude Law
Cliffjumper: Matt Damon

Decepticons

Megatron: Al Pacino
Starscream: Ben Stiller
Soundwave: Phillip Seymour Hoffman
Thundercracker: Luke Wilson
Skywarp: Owen Wilson
Shockwave: Will Ferrell
Laserbeak: Julia Stiles, because she is a souless, no-talent skee-za.



I can't freaking believe I remembered most of those characters. It's amazing I ever convinced a woman to marry me.

 

It's a Michael Bay film, so we know it's going to be craptastic...

 

damn that show was awesome, but that whole concept of shooting the tv while watching it kinda sucked.

 

This is the worst thing about the movie itself. The concept could hypothetically be good, but that all went out the window with the hiring of Mr. Bay. Oh well.

I forsee a lot of shakin' camera shots, because that creates urgency and a general feeling that the characters are running frantically.

He's no good.

 

I disagree ... he's one of the best action directors out there. He makes excellent use of lighting and filters (see: The Rock) and makes visually interesting movies. He also knows how to blow stuff up real good. You can argue about the quality of screenplays like The Rock, Bad Boys I and II or Pearl Harbor, but all of them looked damn good.

You're not going to get any Shakespearean performances from actors or mindbending storylines, but you're going to see a fast-paced movie with some stunning audio/visuals. And would you really expect anything more than that out of a Transformers movie?

 

It's Transformers! The concept can't be good, not even hypothetically. It's a cartoon turned live action.

 

The fact that you could do that makes me worry for you. The fact that I was reading the list and seeing the logic behind some of your choices makes me worry even more about myself (and yes, it's amazing some woman married me, too.)

Having just seen Barnyard with my 3-year-old daughter (her first movie in the theaters) and my 7-year-old nephew, I think Sam Elliot would be a great voice for Optimus Prime. He's got a great voice, perfect for a wise leader who can be a badass when needed.

God, help me....

 

I thought the stuff was idiotic when I was a kid...

Somehow I doubt even Michael Bay can make that shit cool... ;D