UPDATE: Need advice on two fronts

While I grew up listening to Bob Ufer and thought he was the world's greatest announcer (OK, as a Meechigan fan, I know now he was a homer), Tommy Ufer needs to get his own life.
It isn't sour grapes; I know the man personally.

AS for the quote, are you taking about the PR chick or the toilet tank?

 

I thought of this thread today when I saw "Kaboom Bowl Blaster" mixed in with the toilet bowl cleaners.

 

VICTORY IS MINE, VICTORY IS MINE
My struggle against my toilet is complete and I won.
Take that you fifty-year old bitch of a toilet tank.
The solution? Waterproof washers added to the bolts that pushed them up and away from the base of the tank. The cost? 67 cents.
If I still drank, I'd pop a bottle of champagne and do me some guzzling. But I don't, so I won't.
I will instead celebrate with the finest muffins and bagels in all the land.

But I now have a toilet tank for sale. It's vintage, and retro cool. Stamped "March 3, 1956" on the inside, so that makes it an antique and it's like a seven-gallon flush, which probably explains my high-ass water bill each month. They don't make them big anymore. Something whiny about the enviroment and how wasteful it is.

Pay for shipping, and it's yours.

 

Fill a half-gallon milk jug with water, cap it and put it in the tank. Then it won't need as much water to fill it. You can always remove the jug the day after big burrito day in the office cafeteria.

 

OWNED motherfucker! You twisted that porcelin cap! You definitely didn't let Kohler pull off that whoride.

Kinda not happy about that, though, because I was going to advance the notion that nothing would be more romantic than asking the PR chick abruptly during lunch, "So I kinda dig you. Why don't you give me those digits? You can come over and fix my shitter."

 

And this is why I read before posting. That's what I was going to suggest. [/voiceofexperience]

If you are renting, why'd you do it yourself?

One of Dave Barry's best columns was one in which he bitched about the 1.6-gallon toilet.

http://www.jimpoz.com/jokes/toiletPolice.html

 

I laughed out loud at that last sentence

 

That Barry piece was great. I'm actually a closet Barry fan. I don't mention it publicly because a lot of hardcore journalists seem to hate him. Can't imagine why, except that he is having all the fun while breaking the rules, much like Hugh Hefner, the world's luckiest grandfather.

In any case, I've seen a few of these new toilets that can't even handle one of those turds that bring to mind Hall of Fame linemen and great uncle Bernie. Sometimes, there's just not enough water swishing around to budge the bigger logs.

And I think this would be a hilarious ice breaker to use during your meeting with the PR hottie. I'd bust it out at about the moment that she sinks her teeth into a chocolate cream pie.

Since I've already sacrificed any self-dignity that somehow survived my prior posts, I'll add a note: I recently heard Flavor Flav announce to a sexy starlet that he had to go "drop the kids off at the pool." That, I believe, was a scene in the first Flavor of Love on VH1. For the record, I can't think of anything more disgusting than Flavor Flav pushing one out. I mean, unless you replace Flav with Whitlock.

 

I still think we should be working a little harder to talk this guy out of the suit-with-french-cuffs-and-no-tie-for-a-lunch-date look.

 

How 'bout this:

Suits without ties are for guys that got arrested in suits, but the ties were taken away so they wouldn't hang themselves in the drunk tank.

Don't do it. Lunch should be button-down shirt, khakis and a smile.

 

Actually, I was a bit puzzled by the french cuff comment. In fact, I don't even know what that is. I have two suit jackets. If you were to ask me for specifics, I'd say one is blue and the other is black. Although I'm past 30, I recall things like electric guitars and black sports cars scoring more points than french cuffs. In fact, I had an ugly friend who who flunked out of junior college because the automotive courses were too challenging and who lived with his mom at age 25. He could woo more women by having a joint in his cigarette pack than I could by wearing a diamond-encrusted Armani suit.

If you want to wear something french, try a french tickler.

 

A French cuff is a wide shirt cuff that is folded back and fastened with cuff links.
In a broader sense, they're any shirt cuff that has no buttons and is fastened with cuff links.