Want to write a Sports Guy column?

Inky_Wretch · Aug 2, 2006

Oz said:

Overrated said:

p.s. If someone wants a beer outta me, you'd better get it soon.
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Fetch me a Red Stripe, newbie. (HOORAY, RESPONSIBILITY!!!)
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HOORAY BEER!

Overrated · Aug 2, 2006

Okay, I have absolutely no idea how to actually do that. I've been trying since Oz asked for a Red Stripe. So, I'm just going to type out what I'm fetching.

Oz: Here's your frosty Red Stripe. Enjoy.

Flash: You didn't say what you wanted, so here's a Killians in a frosted mug. Cheers. (When I become a Jr. Member, do I get to see the goods?)

Doc: Thanks for the red X. Here's your Fat Tire.

IJAG: A Yuengling for you. Bottoms up.

leo1: Here's your hefe. Would you like an orange slice as well?

PDB: Enjoy the Sunset Wheat. It took me forever to find.

Cheers everyone!

Chuck~Taylor · Aug 2, 2006

Overrated said:

Okay, I have absolutely no idea how to actually do that. I've been trying since Oz asked for a Red Stripe. So, I'm just going to type out what I'm fetching.

Oz: Here's your frosty Red Stripe. Enjoy.

Flash: You didn't say what you wanted, so here's a Killians in a frosted mug. Cheers. (When I become a Jr. Member, do I get to see the goods?)

Doc: Thanks for the red X. Here's your Fat Tire.

IJAG: A Yuengling for you. Bottoms up.

leo1: Here's your hefe. Would you like an orange slice as well?

PDB: Enjoy the Sunset Wheat. It took me forever to find.

Cheers everyone!
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I need some Chocolate Milk over here. I prefer Ovaltine.

alleyallen · Aug 2, 2006

Johnny~Legend said:

Overrated said:

Okay, I have absolutely no idea how to actually do that. I've been trying since Oz asked for a Red Stripe. So, I'm just going to type out what I'm fetching.

Oz: Here's your frosty Red Stripe. Enjoy.

Flash: You didn't say what you wanted, so here's a Killians in a frosted mug. Cheers. (When I become a Jr. Member, do I get to see the goods?)

Doc: Thanks for the red X. Here's your Fat Tire.

IJAG: A Yuengling for you. Bottoms up.

leo1: Here's your hefe. Would you like an orange slice as well?

PDB: Enjoy the Sunset Wheat. It took me forever to find.

Cheers everyone!
Click to expand...

I need some Chocolate Milk over here. I prefer Ovaltine.
Click to expand...

You're a newbie. You can't ask another newbie to bring you a beer.

And where's my beer, bitch?

Chuck~Taylor · Aug 2, 2006

NIAFL Reject? said:

Johnny~Legend said:

Overrated said:

Okay, I have absolutely no idea how to actually do that. I've been trying since Oz asked for a Red Stripe. So, I'm just going to type out what I'm fetching.

Oz: Here's your frosty Red Stripe. Enjoy.

Flash: You didn't say what you wanted, so here's a Killians in a frosted mug. Cheers. (When I become a Jr. Member, do I get to see the goods?)

Doc: Thanks for the red X. Here's your Fat Tire.

IJAG: A Yuengling for you. Bottoms up.

leo1: Here's your hefe. Would you like an orange slice as well?

PDB: Enjoy the Sunset Wheat. It took me forever to find.

Cheers everyone!
Click to expand...

I need some Chocolate Milk over here. I prefer Ovaltine.
Click to expand...

You're a newbie. You can't ask another newbie to bring you a beer.

And where's my beer, bitch?
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:'( Here you go Mr. Reject man....

Trey Beamon · Aug 2, 2006

Overrated said:

This is a hell of a day for us Inky. You're about to become a Full Member and me a Jr. Member. We will always be linked.
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Overrated, you've been a pretty prolific poster of late. I swear you've added over 100 in the last week or so. Congrats. Now fetch me a Rolling Rock, dammit.

Freelance Hack · Aug 2, 2006

Here you go. Next stop for me: Page 2 or Jimmy Kimmel

The Sports Guy Goes to an Auction

So I'm sitting there the other day watching ESPN2 and I see that Bernie Williams had a great game. There is nobody, with the possible exception of Jimy Williams, that I dislike more than Bernie Williams. In the pantheon of people that 'Make the Sports Guy Insane,' these two are neck and neck.

The phone rings. It's my friend Bish. Score! Bish is always willing to discuss our mutual distaste for Bernie Williams. Don't get me wrong--we respect his abilities. But he's the Phoebe from Friends of sports. Totally annoying, yet on TV all the time. Bish mentions that it would be nice if Bernie Williams caught a case of Lupus at the beginning of September, paving the way for the Red Sox to the playoffs like Lorenzo Neal on HGH.

Bish points out that the chances that Bernie Williams will come down with Lupus in September are minimal, but that if we expanded the possibilities, there would be a greater chance for debilitating success. As usual, Bish is a crazy genius.

Here is what we came up with:

4. Bernie Williams receives a vicious Full nelson from Lou Merloni in front of 40,000 fans jammed into TD Banknorth Garden.

(On a side note, has there ever been a greater moment in sports than when When Mr. T and Hulk Hogan defeat Paul Orndorff and Rowdy Roddy Piper? I don't even care if it was fake, that was wicked.)

3. Bernie Williams is informed by his wife that their child was not fathered by him but rather by either Derrick Turnbow or Jim Bowden.

2. Bernie Williams hangs a poster of Brandon Walsh in his locker and is immediately put on the DL.

1. Bernie Williams meets Puck from The Real World, falls in love, and leaves team to begin filming 'My Fair Yankee.'

After we finish with the conversation about Bernie Williams we turn ourselves to the real topic of conversation, the upcoming draft of the Lugnuts is Sexy Memorial Baseball Association, a new fantasy league that Bish and I will be joining this year.

Ordinarily, I'm never an advocate of partnering up to own a fantasy baseball team. That's like getting picked up by Mia Hamm and going back to her place, only to find out that Shawn Kemp is already there. If the best you get is to share, sometimes it's not worth it at all, right?

However, this league only had one slot open, so Bish and I agreed to partner up, in the hope that one of us could switch over and manage the next vacancy. After much debate, and eliminating the excellent possibilities of 'Monopoly with floral arrangement' and 'Boog Powell's Shiny showgirls as potential team names, we settle on 'Adam Corolla's Cabana Boys.'

The thing that-s exciting about this league is that it-s an auction format league, which is totally different than a draft league. I mean, it seems as though it would be the same as a draft league, but it's not. It's like the difference between NHL 93 and NHL 94-you take out fighting and add one-timers, you've got a whole different game, even if they are both hockey.

Pre-Auction preparation is important. First, it is important to choose where the league will be having the auction. Many times people will choose to have their auction in a Deja Vu. This is a bad idea. Nothing good can come of this; at the end of the day every person in the room is going to be grumpy and have an extremely sore neck after four hours.

No, the auction must be held in someone-s house-biggest furnished basement wins. The coolness of the wife/significant other can be a deciding factor if two people have similar options-say, if owner A has a Tetris arcade game, but owner B has a case of Milwaukee's Best. Nothing will kill a fun evening faster than the host's wife emasculating him with a '"I've got a headache!".' We have selected next Tuesday night, at 8 pm, at a guy's house where his wife will be in Panama City Beach, and therefore unable to disrupt the festivities.

I will not be sharing with you my player ratings for this coming season-after all, Phil Hellmuth doesn't play poker with the hand face up-but I will give you some insight into my auction strategy. The thing is, an auction has so much more of an influence on your season than a draft does. In an auction, every player in the league is at your disposal. Everyone starts out equal. It's the libertarianism of fantasy sports.

It's also like a Cimbing a mountain. It requires endurance, it requires stamina, it requires concentration and planning. Without further ado, here is my 'Sports Guy Auction Strategy Guide':

Round One-Dance and Jab

Once the auction starts, timing and strategy are much more important than they are in a traditional draft. The first hour or so of the auction has to be spent feeling out your opponents. Are they particularly loyal to the Pittsburgh Pirates? Do they have a tendency toward whining? You are looking for weaknesses that you can exploit later on. Store these like a photograph

Here is a good place to test people by chucking out a few names of guys you-d never want on your team-aging, oft-injured players, like David Wells, or over-hyped rookies that will never pan out like Gregg Jeffries.

Everyone is going to get some good players at this point, so make sure you don-t overpay and find yourself begging for money like Johnny Drama asking for Vinny Chase's AMEX Black.

--cont--
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Freelance Hack · Aug 2, 2006

Conclusion

Round Two-Have a Sense of History

In round two, there will be one moment that defines your draft. Things will be going along smoothly, and all of a sudden you'll get involved in a bidding war on a player. It's not unlike a big pot in a no-limit hold-em tournament-you'll have your Oddjob-James Bond in Goldfinger moment, and you need to decide what to do.

Oftentimes, this will come down to a single dollar, here or there-if you bid $75 for Pedro Martinez, you know you'll get him, but you're facing a bid with the clock ticking. Are you going to be a hero, carried off the field like Joe Carter? Or are you Rich Kotite, skulking off the field into the jeering history of your team's fans, with only your family still willing to speak with you. Now is your moment. Set the tone.

Round Three-Moving Day

Hour three of the draft is moving day, like the third day of a golf tournament. You need to shoot a 65. This is where you'll fill out a lot of the players that, while less submissive, make up the core of your team. Do not discount the importance of moving day. If you wait until the next phase to build the core of your team, you'll find yourself as lonely as Paris Hilton in a mormons service.

Moving day is the time to make things happen for your team. This is where you are going to define the season that you have. If you end up moving day by taking an accurate mix of future stars, injury-risk players, and Mark Loretta, you'll be okay.

Round Four-The Game of Trivial Pursuit

By the end of the fantasy auction, the endeavor has become excruciating. The only thing it can be compared to is a game of Trivial Pursuit, played among friends. Something that, at the beginning of the endeavor, seemed like such fun, but by the end of it, is just a group of people banging their heads against the wall, adamantly trying to finish what they started, the joy of competing against your friends replaced with a desire to prove that you are more manly and that is that.

In this phase of the auction, you must be careful. This is the '"As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster"' moment of the draft. People will be exploding like dynamite, screaming incomprehensible things like An operator on the "T" and threatening to storm out of the room if they do not get their way.

Just bite your lip, set your jaw, and try and endure. It's a long season coming forward.

'"So I got that going for me, which is nice"'
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Starman · Aug 2, 2006

Missed the obligatory snarky references to Darko Milicic. Hilariously funny the first 23,000 times they were in the column.

The Big Ragu · Aug 2, 2006

I can't believe someone had the patience to fill out that never-ending form. I took one look at the webpage and decided the pay off would never be worth the 5 minutes of my life I was never going to get back.

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