What the movies taught you about sports

There is a difference between pain and injury.

 

That Dr. Joyce Brothers and Dick Vitale were go-to sources for baseball analysis, and that Jay Johnstone was a protypical leadoff hitter, and that running into the outfield fence too hard could lead to decapitation.

 

The best way to give your college diving team a boost is recruiting an overweight millionaire in his 50s.

 

That steroid use is not tolerated in dodgeball. If you can dodge a needle, you can dodge a ball.

 

That South Bend Central's coach sucks. Just feed it into the big man all night and you beat Hickory by 30.

 

Have you seen the movie? SPOILER: Debbie really likes Dallas store owners.

 

Despite getting damn near killed, my friend ain't quittin'.

 

That when you invite a couple of Little League teams to play in a dome, don't shoo them off the field after 5 minutes.

 

That squirrel ski racing is coming on the Ocho after the dodgeball championships.

 

I thought he was the mutant clone of Lou Groza and Adam Vinatieri?

 

• That a golden retriever can not only play any sport on Earth, but make grown men who have spent years honing their craft look stupid doing it.

• Every championship football game will be decided with a triple reverse flea flicker that goes 80 yards for a touchdown as time expires.

• A crappy team that goes 6-6 can play in a New Year's Day bowl against its in-state rival and cost it a national championship.

• Referees are powerless to step in and stop a one-sided boxing match before a deranged Russian kills the former heavyweight champ in the ring. Oh, and no murder charges can filed against the Russian after he pushes aside the ref and continues whaling on the unconscious guy in the corner.

 

If you hit a baseball hard enough, the cover will come off it and it will unravel. The umps will not stop play and you can score an inside-the-park HR.