What the movies taught you about sports

No, you can't. But you can hit a triple that way.

 

Damn it! My bad.

 

That Vickie Vallencourt has likeable boobies. And Ben Franklin is the debbil.

 

That when you're trying to impress a pretty girl even though you're a nerd, don't go out for the football team if you're outweighed by 100 pounds, and even if you do, when the quarterback throws you the damn ball in a blowout game, don't take your fucking helmet off to try to make the catch.

 

That stadium lights are full of explosives.

 

Billy Bob cried, because Billy Bob's a cryer ... and Tweeder drank beer, because Tweeder drinks beer ...

 

That 12-year-old boys can manage their mother's boyfriend.

 

-- The donkey sure could kick a football.
-- An American brought in for hockey playoffs easily becomes the best player on the team.
-- Only the work of Satan prevents the Yankees from winning the pennant every year.
-- Women shouldn't own football teams that rely on a third-string quarterback who goes by the nickname Steamin'

 

The Marx Brothers were pretty damn good football players.

 

That a short running approach to your ball will give you extra distance off the tee and the best way to toughen up for hockey season is to stand in the batting cage and take ball after ball in the chest.

Also every team needs a thumper, and players who forecheck like gophers.

 

That Dick Butkus can sure fly between the uprights.

 

That you can attend a Monday Night Football Game in Phoenix, watch your only client get seemingly paralyzed only to get up and start dancing around after scoring a touchdown, talk to stars and reporters after the game, then jet over to LA where your girlfriend is having a meeting of whiny women at 2 a.m. and convince her that you love her.