When did you know your spouse was 'The One?'

You win the thread.

God. Fuck it, Bob Giraldi wins this thread for directing that video.

 

Some tremendous stuff here. Kudos, gang.

 

Been married twice, with several significant girlfriends and now seeing the same person -- an extremely well-to-do corporate tax attorney for a huge international company everybody would know -- since October 2010, and I'm still not sure I ever wound up with "The One." Those couple of people seemed to come along under hopeless circumstances.

Not a whine, more an observation.

 

There wuz this wascally wabbit who lives in a hole, of all things, who I want to shoot, because it's wabbit season. At least, that's what this duck says.

But I fell in wuve the first time I saw her. Gray skin, with some whiskers and long ears underneath a curly wig. But she was so sweet. She kissed me and told me it was duck season.

That's when I knew she was The One.

 

He cheated at Canasta. That was just Ralph's way. He cheated on me, too.

I walked in on Ralph and Pearl once. I thought we were exclusive. He had her bent over his walker. They're teeth were sharing the same jar on his nightstand table. I pushed the "nurse" button on the wall and walked away.

Ralph always kept his black socks on during sex. He habitually cried out to "Phyllis." I don't know who that is; my name is Ruth.

I couldn't seem to keep Ralph faithful. I told him I was pregnant on several occasions. He offered to perform the abortions. I don't think he believed me.

We dined together every day at five o'clock. The buffet was usually cleaned out by that point, but we made do with the remaining spaghetti and jello. Ralph would tease my feet under the dining table. He could remove my Stride Rite shoes with his big toe.

Ralph would occasionally steal the chocolate pudding from dinner and pour it down the crevice of my Maidenform bra. Sometimes we forgot mid-act, and I would discover the chocolate goodness while undressing before my shower late at night.

Oftentimes, I would masturbate to Bill Cosby. He is a nice man.

I slipped Ralph some extra Viagra once. I thought it would lead to an unforgettable sexual experience. That was a bad idea. My jaw ached for two weeks.

Doris arrived in the summer. She didn't even bother to wear nude hose with her floral dresses. Whore.

Ralph followed her around the badminton court with his shuttlecock on full display.

I knew it was over.

But the timing worked. I was off to college in the fall. Sometimes I think I never should have volunteered as a candy striper.

 

I would like to thank Care Bear for curing me of sex forever.

 

Fixed. ;D

 

Nah, Case already did that.

 

This was fucking great.

"Oftentimes, I would masturbate to Bill Cosby. He is a nice man." Jesus that is funny.

 

I was troubled by why an 18-year-old was wearing Stride Rite and Maidenform.

 

Was this based on some movie, or was this all Care Bear?