Where are the damn race results!?

my favorite was when i was doing high schools and people would call in friday nights to get scores... every once in a while i'd tell them it cost 50 cents to get a score, 'cause that's how much the paper cost -- and if they knew the score, they might not buy a newspaper. i'd make them promise to buy one. or sometimes, i'd tell them they could send me $25 at work, and that would entitle them to 50 scores -- at any time. most of the time they knew i was joking. every once ina while they wouldn't. that was the best. at the end, though, i'd always give them the scores.

 

and zeke -- when i get those, i'd usually tell them i didn't get mine either. and that would usually shut 'em up. then i'd try to get them to circulation

 

The best calls are the one who ask you for your name. You know they're idiots so you tell them, it's not important. Then the joker on the other line says, "well you must be embarrassed about your job." My response: "No but thanks to your contribution this morning, I'll get to buy another cup of coffee."
works every time.

 

I regularly field complaints about errors in other newspapers and, my favorite, ESPN.

 

I particularly love the callers who complain when the (fill-in-the-blank) game isn't on Channel (fill in the blank). Does anybody call Channel Whatever when a story they're looking for isn't in the paper?

I agree with David, however. I try to be as friendly and as cordial as I can to every caller, even when they get under my skin. They pay my salary, after all.

 

There was one grouchy old bastard at one place who just hated me. Called me up after after column I ever wrote just to bitch at me. I learned pretty quickly that just by saying "uh, huh" over and over again, he would be satisfied and I could still knock out an inside AP page.

Other times he would call up to bitch about a fact in the paper and often he was wrong. My favorite two:

Caller: I just opened your TV listings and I saw the All-Star listed and I'll be dogged goned if I didn't see that game on TV last night. Are you guys asleep at the wheel over there?

Me: No, sir. That's the AAA all-star game. The major leagues was last night, the AAA is tonight.

Caller: Well that's just confusing. You should make the listings clearer.

Me: I'm sorry sir. I thought "AAA All-Star Game" was pretty clear.

-------

Another time he called up and started screaming at me that we had some ALDS or NLDS game listed on ESPN and he turned on ESPN and the game wasn't on. Of course, the game was on ESPN2, just like it said in the paper. I was in fact watching the game on the TV directly in front of me when he called. After getting screamed at for five minutes for the "incorrect" listing, I finally was able to get a word in and told him to turn to ESPN2 - which he had never heard of. So then he screamed for 5 more minutes that he was watching ESPN2. I finally got to speak again and convinced him to change the channel... just in time for a commercial. So he started screaming some more.

And David - I love the customers, but there is no reason for people like that to call up and scream at you for no reason. I'll answer any "what was the braves score" quesiton to polite people. I'll even read off the busch practice speeds if they are nice. But nothing justifies 10 minutes of screaming because you are too stupid to understand the difference between ESPN and ESPN2. We don't get paid enough to get berated for no good reason by angry, pissed off people.

 

No. You see, Channel Whatever doesn't answer the phone after hours1.

1And when I was dating a reporter there, sometimes the lone receptionist was too swamped to get to the call during business hours.

 

Well, Dave, it's funny you bring that up, because that's how my favorite line ever goes.

Had a guy call three times one night because he didn't get his paper.
I explained that everyone from circulation had gone home, but I would transfer him to someone's voice mail and they'd be happy to take care of the problem tomorrow. Even took the time to explain that as long as his account was in good standing, he would have the option of getting two papers tomorrow or getting an extra day's credit on his subscription.

No dice. "You bring me a paper," says he.

I told him that in extremely rare cases that I have driven a paper out to a subscriber on my meal break, but that I didn't have access to our subscription system, so I had no way of knowing if his account was current.

This infuriated him more. "I paid my bil," says he. "Second time this has happened this week"

He then cursed me and hung up.

Only to call back and, once again, demand I bring him a paper.

I tried a different tack. I told him that I worked in the sports department, and that while I wrote stories and laid out pages and took photographs, I didn't deliver the newspaper.

This enraged him to the point of armageddon. He cursed me colorfully, using indifferent grammar. And hung up.

Only to call back and, once again, demand his paper.

Finally I said, "Sir, where do you work?"

"I've worked at (local door factory) for 13 years," says he.

"Well, I'll tell you what; I've got a door that doesn't quite latch right in my house. Could you come over and take a look at it?"

Stunned silence.

"Would you like circulation, sir?"

His wife called back the next day to apologize. They hadn't paid their bill.

 

Oh, boy, where do I start...

At one of my stops in VA, a geezer would always leave a voicemail on Monday morning if the Senior PGA scores got cut. Didn't matter if PGA and LPGA got cut down to Top 10, if the Senior PGA was cut, too, old geezer would scream "WHERE'S THE SEN-YUH PGA!" at the top of his voice.

At the same paper, my Sunday column would be critiqued on a regular basis by some moron who claimed to be a U.Va. grad and a high school journalism teacher. He would constant rip me for my grammar and would be especially pissy if I praised Virginia Tech. He also told me that we'd never be like the Roanoke Times or Richmond Times-Dispatch, even though he shouldn've known that both papers have a Sunday circulation that something 10-times bigger than my paper. He pretty much nit-picked me for two years in a very arrogant tone that from my perspective evolved from amusing to very annoying. When I answered him back a couple times, he just accused me of being unprofessional.
I found out later that he was actually a middle school guidance counselor.
Wanted to send him a great big f-you e-mail before I moved on to my next job, but decided against it.

 

That's a pretty good one, Zeke. Here's one you might appreciate:

My first job out of school was a 18,000 circulation p.m. that didn't have a paper on Saturday (lord knows why). Anyway, I was in the office Saturday night, and picked up a call that came in on the main sports line. This old bag says, "Young man, I did not get my paper, and I would like it delivered immediately." After I pointed out to her that it was Saturday and that we did not publish on Saturdays, she apologized, said she had mistakenly thought it was Sunday, and hung up. OK, I thought, apparently there was no clock, calendar or window in her room at the old folks home.

Well, about five minutes later, the phone rings again. I pick it up and the same old crank says, "Young man, I checked -- it IS Sunday." After assuring her that it was indeed Saturday, she told me I was rude and wanted to speak to my supervisor. I suggested she should instead seek out the medication nurse and hung up.

Unfortunately she didn't call back. It was a slow night.

 

Hey David, those two guys didn't happen to be named Denny and Donnie, did they?

p.s. -- Love the stuff in "Inside Bay Area" co-bylined by you and Monte Dutton.) ;D

A fan

 

My only question:

Why?