Why So Bitter, Herb? 2014 Edition (page 14)

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? 2009 Edition (page 8)

uh-oh. i'm ready to wince whenever you do. :

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? 2009 Edition (page 8)

And Good Friday it is indeed.

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? 2009 Edition (page 8)

If my mother could find a cross big enough to represent her public humiliation and suffering, she'd be carrying it down Lake Shore Drive right now.

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? 2009 Edition (page 8)

it's amazing, 21, isn't it? even at our age (i'm 51)_we're still so easily manipulated by our mamas. mine is a gem, actually, if a bit too pushy at times. mrs. shockey adores my 'rents.

your mom, no offense, sounds like quite a piece of work.

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? 2009 Edition (page 8)

21: My father's side of the family is from Chicago: Poor Irish prone to heavy drinking and ill tempers. We have that cross. It's in a basement near Kedzie and Addison.

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? 2009 Edition (page 8)

And now, the 11th Plague:

Beep. [Long silence]

'Hello? Is this the machine? Is anyone there? Weeelllll, I’ll stall for a minute so you can get to the phone…..hmm hmm hmmm, manishtana halila hazeh…hello? Dy dyanu, Dy dyanu…hello?? Hm. Well. This is……..your mother…….in Chicago……I wanted to thank you for sending the….flowers, I wanted you to know they looked a little dead when they arrived, if that sort of thing matters to you, I don’t really know what matters to you, does it matter, dear, that the flowers look a little dead?

'I want you to know we had a lovely seder, without you, I was looking at that old antique seder plate that Papa Yossel brought from the Old Country, carried across the ocean in the bottom of that terrible ship, everyone vomiting and urinating on each other, surrounded by disease and pestilence, so that his children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren could someday sit together at the seder and remember…Lou, why do you need the rake in the kitche…I SAID WHY IS THE RAKE IN THE KITCHEN, NO, I DID NOT ASK YOU TO RAKE LEAVES IN THE KITCHEN, PLEASE TAKE THE RAKE OUTSIDE TO THE GARAGE [wild clattering and slamming], 21, are you still there, really you have no idea what I go through here, what was I saying, oh, about the plate, I wonder if Papa Yossel brought the plate so his eldest granddaughter could have a nice Easter with her boyfriend’s family, does your Boom know, dear, does he know about Papa Yossel’s plate? Does he care about that sort of thing??

[Pause as she waits for a response, until she remembers she is actually leaving a message.]

'Well. Anyway, dear, I hope you enjoy your…Easter….with Boom’s family, maybe they’ll have a nice big ham for you, won’t that be nice, a lovely pesach ham, life is just full of new exciting experiences, I just love that you want to try new foods and make your Boom happy, is he happy, dear? What, Lou, no I have not seen I SAID I HAVE NOT SEEN ANY DEER, I WAS CALLING 21 ‘DEAR’, I WAS NOT TALKING ABOUT THE DEER, THERE ARE NO DEER, YOU MUST STOP WITH THE DEER, IS THAT PUDDING ON YOUR SHIRT?? 21, I have to go, Lou is into the pudding, maybe you can eat before you go to Boom’s Easter, let me know how it goes, dear, thank you again for the flowers, although they do look a little dead, maybe you can get some of your money back, should I take a picture for you to show the florist? Have you called the florist? LOU! IS THAT THE GARDEN HOSE? IN THE HOUSE? WHY DO WE [clatter, clatter. Click].’

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? 2009 Edition (page 8)

21, I was flinching away from every jab for you. A classic.

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? 2009 Edition (page 8)

Just got the time to chime on the a seder I attended. It was in another city, about an hour away. We've been to these folks' house for 6-8 seders over the years and even though we moved away, we still get an invite every year or two and make it a point to show up. The food is always wonderful and this year was no exception: brisket, salmon, matzoh balls as big as your head -- if you have a small head -- and lively conversation to boot from a highly-educated, college professor-dominated crowd. They all are familiar with my work as a sportswriter and at least when I'm within earshot, pretend to have liked it.

Anyway, a couple seder oddities:

-- Of the 20 folks there, no little kids. That made for a strange 4 questions-Afikoman hunt moment or two. Actually, my daughter is 16, so she handled those duties (reluctantly) because the next youngest person there might have been my wife (50).
-- The traditional wine glass spill didn't occur until near the end, the 4th glass of wine, an all time record. And it was by the lone non-Jew in attendance. Guess he won't be invited back.
-- Best discussion of the night was about the age of an old Hagaddah the hostess broke out. It actually had bank ads in it that had the years 1869 and 1890 in them. There were also old wine spills evident in the book, which made it a great match for the current Hagaddah with the new wine spill by the ham-handed gentile.
-- Hostest tried to run the seder because her husband isn't comfortable in that role. She was busy getting dinner together though so we just kind of ran the thing ourselves with each person reading a bit until they got tired.
-- Strangest part was when the hostess said she wanted to pause for a moment of silence for those no longer with is. Nice gesture. However, she didn't quite understand the pause part.Instead of waiting maybe 30 seconds, or even a minute, her pause lasted 3 seconds. Hard to work up a lot of emotion and compassion in such a short time, but if that's the only complaint, I guess the night was a success.

Did I mention the great food? Probably didn't need that third matzoh ball or fourth brownie.

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? 2009 Edition (page 8)

21, you're still in therapy, right?

it's easy to laugh when it's someone else's family. hang tough, babe.

oh, and enjoy sunday's ham!

the shockey house still smells of brisket, baked chicken, glazed carrots, potato latkes, etc. scented candles burning throughout the estate. : : :

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? 2009 Edition (page 8)

Brisket and salmon as the entrees? Check. College professors? Check.

I would have sworn my husband was the only sportswriter at our seder. Hmm.

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? 2009 Edition (page 8)

I<3 you

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? 2009 Edition (page 8)

I went to my first Seder as a sophomore in high school. Friends of mine were the only Jewish family within a 100-mile radius. And it beat the hell out of Good Friday Mass.