Why So Bitter, Herb? 2014 Edition (page 14)

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? 2011 Edition (page 11)

Of course it's time, 21.

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? 2011 Edition (page 11)

Our congregational Seder is catered, but we still do the Seder plates ourselves. The president of the congregation and I split the purchases up, which is why I was recently going through the checkout line with mass quantities of matzoh, wine, Kedem and lamb bones. Many packages of lamb bones.

God only knows what the pleasant, young African-American checker and bagger now think the Jews are up to.

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? 2011 Edition (page 11)

I got a funny look from my checker yesterday when she was ringing up the little tub of chicken fat I was buying.

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? 2011 Edition (page 11)

A shop that sells matzoh, wine, kedem and lamb bones?

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? 2011 Edition (page 11)

Not "Crossed Matzos of Death"?

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? 2011 Edition (page 11)

since the shockeys have cancelled 'passover 2011' -- neither hosting night 1 nor the road team for seders I and II -- i'm feeling a goyish. ... no matzoh in the cupboards, no gefilte fish/horse radish in the fridge, no jelly rings, dammit!!

not to worry. parents of shockey plan to trek out here tomorrow or wednesday with many of the goodies (heaven forbid the grand-kindela aren't given a small reminder of all we conquered to be here!); if the kids play their cards right i'd bet there will be afikomen dollars available, too.

fifth question: on these nights, if no seders are conducted, can the children still receive afikomen gelt? ??? ??? ???

21, a ruling, please?

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? 2011 Edition (page 11)

Passover Humor (from the website Kosher4Passover.com):
A little boy once returned home from Hebrew school and his father asked, "what did you learn today?"

He answered, "The Rabbi told us how Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt."

"How?"

The boy said "Moses was a big strong man and he beat Pharoah up. Then while he was down, he got all the people together and ran towards the sea. When he got there, he has the Corps of Engineers build a huge pontoon bridge. Once they got on the other side, they blew up the bridge while the Egyptians were trying to cross."

The father was shocked. "Is that what the Rabbi taught you?"

The boy replied, "No. But you'd never believe the story he DID tell us!"
=======================================================================

As Moses and the children of Israel were crossing the Red Sea, the children of Israel began to complain to Moses of how thirsty they were after walking so far. Unfortunately, they were not able to drink from the walls of water on either side of them, as they were made up of salt-water.

Then, a fish from that wall of water told Moses that he and his family heard the complaints of the people, but that they through their own gills could remove the salt from the water and force it out of their mouths like a fresh water fountain for the Israelites to drink from as they walked by.

Moses accepted this kindly fish's offer. But before the fish and his family began to help, they told Moses they had a demand. They and their descendants had to be always present at the seder meal that would be established to commemorate the Exodus, since they had a part in the story. When Moses agreed to this, he gave them their name which remains how they are known to this very day, for he said to them, "Go Filter Fish!"
======================================================================

Bernie, a young Jewish boy, decided he wanted to be an aeronautical engineer and build airplanes. Over the years he studied hard, went to the best schools, and finally got his degree. It didn't take long before he gained a reputation as the finest aeronautical engineer in all the land, so he decided to start his own company to build jets.

His company was such a hit that the President of the United States called Bernie into his office. "Bernie," the president said, "the President of Israel wants to commission your company to build an advanced jet fighter for his country. You have our approval--go out and design him the best jet fighter ever made."

Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously excited at this prospect. The entire resources of his company went into building the most advanced jet fighter in history. Everything looked terrific on paper, but when they held the first test flight of the new jet, disaster struck. The wings couldn't take the strain--they broke clean off of the fuselage! (The test pilot parachuted to safety, thank G-d.) Bernie was devastated; his company redesigned the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at the next test flight--the wings broke off again.

Beside himself with worry, Bernie went to his Schul to pray...to ask G-d where he had gone wrong. The rabbi saw Bernie's sadness, and naturally asked him what the matter was. Bernie decided to pour his heart out to the rabbi.

After hearing the problem with the jet fighter, the rabbi put his arm on Bernie's shoulder and told him, "Listen, I know how to solve your problem. All you have to do is drill a row of holes directly above and below where the wing meets the fuselage. If you do this, I absolutely guarantee the wings won't fall off."

Bernie just smiled and thanked the rabbi for his advice...but the more he thought about it, the more he realized he had nothing to lose. Maybe the rabbi had some holy insight. So Bernie did exactly what the rabbi told him to do. On the next design of the jet fighter, they drilled a row of holes directly above and below where the wings met the fuselage. And...it worked!! The next test flight went perfectly!

Brimming with joy, Bernie went to the Schul to tell the rabbi that his advice had worked. "Naturally," said the rabbi, "I never doubted it would."

"But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes would prevent the wings from falling off?"

"Bernie," the rabbi intoned, "I'm an old man. I've lived for many, many years and I've celebrated Passover many, many times. And in all those years, not once--NOT ONCE--has the matzoh broken on the perforation.
======================================================================
Passover Pick-Up Lines (from the e-mail archives)

Let's make this night really different from all others nights
What will you do to me for two zuzim?
What's a girl like you doing at a seder like this?
If 600,000 people can get taken out, one more couldn't hurt
We've only got 18 minutes....
I like my matzah thin, like my women.
Maybe when Elijah comes, we can make it a threesome
I hear that horseradish is an aphrodisiac
Nice Hagadah
After four cups of wine, you look like Cindy Crawford
Honey, on this night we are supposed to recline, so let's get to it.
Seder? I hardly know her.
I bet I could make you sing Dayenu!
I've got four of my own terms for redemption
Did that just say we were in bondage?
I could never Pass you Over...
Don't call it a bitter herb until you taste it.
We were strangers....emphisis on "were"
You're a 10 in my haggadah
Frogs.....ever kiss a frog?
I'm going to have to search you for chometz
You are hardening my heart, as well as....
How's about we go re-live the "Darkness" plague up in my room.
I'm like one of the four sons; let me show you how wicked I can be.
Gefilte fish jelly makes for great lubrication.
Did someone say Staff?
Only four sons... care to make a 5th?

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? 2011 Edition (page 11)

I'm not 21, but my ruling as a member of the Tribe parent is ... no afikomen, no gelt.

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? 2011 Edition (page 11)

I have no authority here, because frankly I'm pissed that adults can't cash in on this, but here's my train of thought:

a) We have these holidays because of the tradition, so
b) the kids can carry on the tradition with their own someday,
c) even when they marry off the reservation which they will all do no matter how much afikomen gelt we fork over,
d) so make them search for the afikomen, and if they can whistle Dayenu with a mouthful of matza, they win,
e) and can someday tell the story about how you cannot whistle Dayenu with a mouthful of matza.

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? 2011 Edition (page 11)

I still want to know more about the roasted egg.
What does a roasted egg taste like?
I have attended one seder, and there was no roasted egg. I was disappointed.

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? 2011 Edition (page 11)

WINNER, WINNER, (BOILED) CHICKEN DINNER!

the grandparents of shockey's 'three stooges' are coming out wednesday with the goodies. it was going to be friday until grandma learned that the crowned prince, eldest shockey heir, will be in rhode island visiting the blond shiksa gf at school.

she asked her grandson: 'can you smell my pot roast (brisket to the rest of us) out there? i've made a batch for you and your aunt's kids! oh, you're visting your 'friend' on friday? don't worry, i'll make grandpa bring me out by you on wednesday... maybe we'll bring matzoh so i can make you boys some matzoh brei... mom doesn't make that, does she? i didn't think so. oh, and i'll bring honey cake, too, dear...'

so there will be matzoh for the 'dayenu whistle.' i'm sure they remember the melody.... ;D ;D ;D

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? 2011 Edition (page 11)

You don't eat it. You throw it at Elijah when he comes in the door.