Why So Bitter, Herb? 2014 Edition (page 14)

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? (Happy Passover, if that's possible.)

So did I.

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? (Happy Passover, if that's possible.)

Post of the day, Ace. Fore real.

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? (Happy Passover, if that's possible.)

'Darling, I have just the smallest favor, really nothing at all, I know you love that new car of yours, how wonderful that you have forgiven the Germans, I know Uncle Shmuel would agree after all he went through, it really is better to forget....if you are still in the car, dear, and we cannot wait to see you, would it be a problem to stop for the kishke? I told Lou to order it from the place in town, but he misunderstood and ordered from the wrong location, I do not understand why he won't take care of that hearing aid....So if you get off the highway and go a short distance, I think about 30 miles, you will see a red building, with a sign for fireworks or mattresses, I can't recall, but there's some bushes and a stuffed pony in the window...go past that, I think a couple of lights, until you see the place that used to be a theater, I think we took you to see Hansel and Gretel there when you were five, do you remember, dear, you cried the whole way home...well, when you see the theater, actually, it's not a theater now, it's a chiropractor's office, remind me tell you about my back, take a left, and halfway down is an Iranian bakery, and a meat place....that's where the kishke is.'

'Mom, can't I just go somwhere nearby and pick up another kishke?'

'21, I have already PAID for this kishke, make sure they know I paid, it should be $12, not a penny more.....and it's under my name. Are you enjoying your nice German car, dear?'

I don't think I've ever told you people my mother's name.

'I am picking up a kishke,' I say to the 387 year old meat man. 'For Sandy.'

'Hi Sandy!' says the meat man.

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? (Happy Passover, if that's possible.)

Was Elijah at least riding shotgun for the drive? Mazel tov to all.

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? (Happy Passover, if that's possible.)

I need to show this to my wife next time she complains about my mother.

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? (Happy Passover, if that's possible.)

I am barely back in the car with $12 of kishke (equals about 400 pounds), phone rings again. My sister.

'Emmah has the Ten Plagues.'

'I'm sorry, what?"

'The Plagues? You know, boils, locusts, blood....Emmah has them.'

'My God, should you keep her home?'

'21, do you have to be such a bitch? She made them in Sunday School, for the seder. So cute. You should see the frogs...little green jello frogs, with raisins for the eyes! They stick to the ceiling when you throw them! So cute!!'

'Does mom know Emmah is going to throw jello on the ceiling? I think she paid a lot for that faux sky and cloud decor...'

'It's the PLAGUES, 21, you need the frogs! Anyway, she needs you to help. The slaying of the first born....she needs to stab you.'

'She needs to stab me?'

'She is a CHILD, 21, can you just cooperate?? For her self-esteem?? We are really trying to encourage her creativity. Would it kill you to let her stab you? She swears she will use a butter knife and she won't really cut you. I told her we trust her. God, you do not get it.'

'What is she doing for the hail?'

'Snowballs! We froze them last month in Vail. Everyone gets one to throw, isn't that so great? I forgot to ask, is he coming? We didn't know, you might have to share a snowball.'

'He is not coming, couldn't get away...it was either Passover or a real vacation at the end of the month. We're taking the vacation.'

'Couldn't find the Kosher Coke, huh?'

'Not a single bottle. See ya soon.'

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? (Happy Passover, if that's possible.)

I am a happy camper....

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? (Happy Passover, if that's possible.)

Not before you share your pain...

Catholic boy question: What is kishke?

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? (Happy Passover, if that's possible.)

Best we can do is hide a file in the Roasted Lamb Bone. Make your break for it when they bring in the kishkes.

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? (Happy Passover, if that's possible.)

I would do anything for you. You are my hero.

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? (Happy Passover, if that's possible.)

Let me just begin by telling you that Lou was wearing my father's sweater.

I know this, because I bought the sweater for my father shortly before he died in 1990, and I never saw it again until one year later when Lou appeared at Thanksgiving shortly after marrying my mother, wearing the sweater. And now, after 16 years and waaaaay too much kishke....again with the sweater.

'Oh 21, please, not again....it cannot be the same sweater, why would Lou wear Dad's sweater, I specifically told him not to touch Dad's clothes from that side of the closet, your father had such lovely clothes, so elegant....Lou is more interested in the synthetics, when I met him he was so staticky his eyebrows would spark when he put on his sunglasses! I would love to see him in some finer fabrics, of course, but he does tend to dribble occasionally, it's just easier to give him a dab with a sponge...Lou, 21 was just admiring the....I SAID 21 WAS JUST ADMIRING THE SWEATER! YES, THE SWEATER YOU'RE WEARING! SHE WAS ADMIRING IT!'

Lou: 'It was your father's, I found it in the closet.'

(Mother frowns. Actually, she can't frown, on account of the botox, but you know she is frowning deep down, so loud the dog is biting its own tongue to make it stop.)

About the kishke....this has to exist in other cultures. I need to think of a way to describe it that won't make you gag. Any help is appreciated.

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? (Happy Passover, if that's possible.)

I just googled it.. .I see why you think I would gag..

"But we modern day ladies can opt to purchase it in the super, unless of course you are plagued with a husband who swears that the store made kishke is not as good as the homemade variety. Well, we must remember that the quickest way to a husband's wallet is through his stomach, so there is an easier method than cleaning a disgustingly filled intestine, you know, they don't give them enema's before they slaughter the cows, so imagine what was in those intestines - yeech!"

http://www.jewishmag.com/72mag/kishke/kishke.htm