Why So Bitter, Herb? 2014 Edition (page 14)

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? (Happy Passover, if that's possible.)

I just looked it up on wikipedia. It doesn't sound so bad, but I am of Norwegian descent and my people eat lutefisk, so maybe my idea of disgusting is a little warped.

Also, the article ended this way: "This meat-related article is a stub."

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? (Happy Passover, if that's possible.)

We had a special guest at our Seder one year ... Elijah showed up.

Not really, but for a moment we all thought it was him.

A little background. Seder was at my grandparents apartment in a high-rise. We open the door at Elijah time in the service and in walks the neighbor, who no one knew. We've laughed about that one for years.

This year's Seder was a 22-person gala, including a handful of non Jews experiencing the "fun" for the first time. Sat across from one woman who after a prayer about peace in the Mideast, remarked "I didn't know the Jews were supposed to be peaceful." That went over well.

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? (Happy Passover, if that's possible.)

Did anybody ask her if she wanted to inspect the scalps of the Jewish people at the table for horns. I like that one, since most Goyim these days don't even know what the hell it means and feel even worse when you explain it.

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? (Happy Passover, if that's possible.)

Kishkes, haggis of the Chosen.

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? (Happy Passover, if that's possible.)

Man Ragu not for nothing but have you ever read how they grow asparagus. I am truly surprised.

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? (Happy Passover, if that's possible.)

I guarantee you that Moses was a picker. You wander throughh the desert for forty years with that dry air. ... You telling me you're not going to have occasion to clean house a little bit.

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? (Happy Passover, if that's possible.)

If her name hadn't been Sandy, I never would have mentioned it. You cannot imagine the degree of self-control required to have concealed it this long. I suspect there's a substantial chance that the infamous SJ Sandy and my mother are one and the same.

I need to discuss Fried Matza with all of you--styles, methods, cures, and remedies--but the Xanax I stole from my sister still has not completely kicked in. More soon.

('Darling, perhaps, you can talk with your sister, I worry so much about her, does she seem just a tad indulgent of those adorable little girls? I don't think she should be encouraging them to draw the parting of the Red Sea on my dining room wall, I'm all for creative expression, oh, did I show you the lovely sea rocks I've been painting? You can find the most interesting sea rocks in Acapulco, the beach was full of them, I sent Lou down every morning to find the smooth flat ones, Lou, remember the....I SAID DO YOU REMEMBER THE ROCKS FROM, oh for God's sake, never mind...so I collected them and painted little pictures, you know, flowers and waves and, oh, here's one of the iguana that sat on Lou's forehead for an hour while he slept, it just sat there while I painted, it actually left a little tan line under its tail, well, anyway, I am VERY supportive of creative expression, but I just don't know if Emmah should be drawing that poor little dead Pharoah boy on my nice wallpaper, do you think we should talk to your sister? Does she look a little heavy to you? I'm going to make some fried matza now....'

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? (Happy Passover, if that's possible.)

ahhh the fix is in...

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? (Happy Passover, if that's possible.)

The extra placesetting is for Elijah, right? (yep, my tending-Agnostic traits are showing)

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? (Happy Passover, if that's possible.)

Some Passover humor before I tell my seder stories:
A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen. He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder:

"Ma nishtana ha layla ha zeh mi kol ha laylot."

Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

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A little boy once returned home from Hebrew school and his father asked, "what did you learn today?"

He answered, "The Rabbi told us how Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt."

"How?"

The boy said "Moses was a big strong man and he beat Pharoah up. Then while he was down, he got all the people together and ran towards the sea. When he got there, he has the Corps of Engineers build a huge pontoon bridge. Once they got on the other side, they blew up the bridge while the Egyptians were trying to cross."

The father was shocked. "Is that what the Rabbi taught you?"

The boy replied, "No. But you'd never beleive the story he DID tell us!"

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As Moses and the children of Israel were crossing the Red Sea, the children of Israel began to complain to Moses of how thirsty they were after walking so far. Unfortunately, they were not able to drink from the walls of water on either side of them, as they were made up of salt-water.

Then, a fish from that wall of water told Moses that he and his family heard the complaints of the people, but that they through their own gills could remove the salt from the water and force it out of their mouths like a fresh water fountain for the Israelites to drink from as they walked by.

Moses accepted this kindly fish's offer. But before the fish and his family began to help, they told Moses they had a demand. They and their descendants had to be always present at the seder meal that would be established to commemorate the Exodus, since they had a part in the story. When Moses agreed to this, he gave them their name which remains how they are known to this very day, for he said to them, "Go Filter Fish!"

 

Re: Why So Bitter, Herb? (Happy Passover, if that's possible.)

This was the first year when gifilte fish wasn't served at either seder.

First Seder at my wife's cousin's house. About 20 people, including about half a dozen kids. In the pre-dinner portion things went smoothly - abbreviated kiddush, lots of English. Dinner started well with chicken soup & matzoh balls followed by Serviche. Then it was time for the main courses and side dishes: chicken, brisket, sweet & sour meatballs, potatoes, kugel, veggies, etc.
Then things slowed down - a 30-40 minute intermission to clear the table, wash all the serving dishes, wash everything that was used to cook, etc. Followed by the search for the afikomen, dessert, and then the rest of the seder. The seder started around 5 and we didn't leave until around 930. To make matters worse, they lived in an area where I couldn't pick up a station broadcasting the game. By the time I got within range of one, there was just a couple of minutes left in the first half and Florida was up by 11.

Second seder at the home of a rabbi and her husband that my wife has been friends with since high school. The rabbi is a vegetarian, so the meal at her house was unique. The seder service itself was great (did you know that vegetarians are allowed to substitute a beet for the shank bone on a seder plate because a beet bleeds?). It was an interactive seder with tambourines, marraccas, little toys of the plagues and more.
For soup, instead of chicken soup & matzoh balls it was asparagus soup. Between the hard-boiled egg in salt water and the soup there was a palate cleaning course of watermelon with feta cheese. The main course was baked salmon, ratatouille, potatoes, kugel, and a few other things I'm forgetting.
The ride home was a bitch. It was a 2-hour ride there. Coming home, after crossing the GWB and getting on the southbound Turnpike I didn't have a choice between the eastern and western spurs, I was just dumped onto the western spur, which at one point narrowed from 3 lanes to 1 lane. So instead of a 2-hour ride home and getting in at 130 a.m., I didn't get in until after 2.